Impulse control...

nekorayne

I'm sorry I have been asking a ton of questions lately. I just love the advice you all give. I need lots of more experienced mom advice right now I guess...

DS is really starting to mature and I'm really proud of him. It's apparent that we are all adjusted to being a family of 4 now. Really the only problem DS has right now is impulse control. I'm assuming this is normal at 3, but the thing is he shows remorse after he does something wrong. To me this means he knows the rules and just does not think about them until after.

Example:  he managed to dump flour all over the floor on purpose. He did this while I was in the bathroom and so later when we went in the kitchen and I saw it before I could even address it he hugged me, said he was sorry, and said "lets clean it up". He does this with lots of things: Hand holding sometimes (although he has gotten A TON better with this- it's only an issue at the store- if even then now), grabbing stuff, messes, etc...

messes are the big thing. He is a mess maker!

It's like in the moment he has no impulse control and just does things without thinking. Only after does he realize he should not have done it and then apologizes and wants to help make it right. This is great BUT I guess I'm ready for when that "sorry I did that. Lets make it right" turns into him just not pouring flour on the floor...

And since he wants to help clean up and says sorry I have NO IDEA what method to use to teach  him to have impulse control. I mean he helps clean up, but lets be honest it's still a huge mess to clean up. Three year olds are't the best cleaner upper- although I love that he is willing. 

bumpuser8448316

DS is the same way. Our big thing right now is throwing. He keeps throwing toys (or anything in his hand) and he's hit the lamps, his sister, , knocked over cups of coffee...every time he throws I say "DS!..." and he immediately starts apologizing but it's like he just cannot help himself. Throwing isn't the only problem but it's the best example I can give. But yeh, the kid has no impulse control. I usually tell him he needs to have some downtime to ret and relax and calm down a little and it works pretty well. He'll go play quietly in his room and when he comes back he's much calmer and the rest of the day goes well. I think DS gets easily over stimulated and I know he has a hard time calming himself down once he's hyped up

bumpuser8448316

Totally agree with @NandaB on the validating feelings. If I ask DS how he's feeling when he's being particularly wild he'll tell me and then we can talk about a better way to express that feeling. I'm big on letting him know it's okay to feel ____ but instead of ____ we should try ____ and have him help me come up with a better way to deal.

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bumpuser8448316

Also, lately a lot of DS's behavior comes from boredom/lack of attention.

bumpuser8448316

Hav=Fath said:

NandaB said:

Hmm. I think poor impulse control is totally normal at this age. Throwing, hitting things (G does this when he gets frustrated, like he's having trouble building a tower so he hits the blocks), yelling, running/jumping where they're not supposed to...those are all self control things. I just validate his feelings, remind him of the rules and encourage appropriate behavior. (I see that you are frustrated because your having trouble building a tower, but we do not throw blocks. Let's try again!) Going to the pantry, getting out flour, and spreading it around the kitchen while mom is in the bathroom sounds like being naughty to me. Not the same is throwing a toy or running off in the store.

I agree with the 2nd part of this a lot. I'm sure impulse control has to do with it, but pouring flour on the floor while you're in the bathroom doesn't seem like a real impulse control issue as much as a little kid being naughty. 

I'm the mean one but I do think if we "rationalize" too many things it doesn't help a child at all. Pouring flour on the floor is misbehaving, not a lack of impulse control. 

At this age though, a lot of "naughty" behavior happens for a reason not because kids are just being bad.

bumpuser8448316

Hav I guess I just look at it as normal development at this age. They're learning to test boundaries, push limits, etc. it's what they're supposed to be doing and our job as parents is to teach them where the boundaries are. So yes, they're doing it on purpose it's just that there's a reason they're doing it. I don't excuse my kid's behavior. If he throws something the toy gets taken away and we reinforce why we don't throw, etc. There are consequences for his actions but I just don't believe (again, right now) that he's being bad just to be bad.

bumpuser8448316

Toddlers/preschoolers don't have the same coping mechanisms as adults. So when I'm over tired I lay down and rest. When DS is over tired he runs around like a maniac yelling and knocking things down. He doesn't quite have the ability yet to just say "I'm tired and I want to rest." He's getting better, but it's still far easier to express himself through actions rather than words.

joyfullyfound

I agree with requiring him to clean it up alone. DD is obviously too young for us to be dealing with this, but I have tons of experience working with preschool age children. It sounds to me (but you know your own child best) like he's seeking attention or just plain misbehaving. He may be struggling impulse-wise, but you need to be careful to let him know you expect more from him, as opposed to making him feel that that's the type of behavior you expect. 

If this had happened in my past work, the child would be in charge of cleaning up the mess by themselves, without making it a fun game that they'll seek to repeat. If it continued to be an issue, where it became apparent that they were aware that they're actions were against the rules, they'd have to clean up the mess, then sit in a 3 minute time out. 

joyfullyfound

Also, I agree with everything Nanda has said so far  

LatteLady5

joyfullyfound said:

I agree with requiring him to clean it up alone. DD is obviously too young for us to be dealing with this, but I have tons of experience working with preschool age children. It sounds to me (but you know your own child best) like he's seeking attention or just plain misbehaving. He may be struggling impulse-wise, but you need to be careful to let him know you expect more from him, as opposed to making him feel that that's the type of behavior you expect. 

If this had happened in my past work, the child would be in charge of cleaning up the mess by themselves, without making it a fun game that they'll seek to repeat. If it continued to be an issue, where it became apparent that they were aware that they're actions were against the rules, they'd have to clean up the mess, then sit in a 3 minute time out. 

I agree with this and with Hav.

He may be crying for attention but giving him attention for "naughty" behavior just reinforces that behavior. If he does it again I would do timeout. I would also look for ways during the day to build positive attention time just for him. IMO, if he knows he shouldn't do it and does it anyway I'd give a consequence.

lightgetsin

QueSyrah said:

Also, lately a lot of DS's behavior comes from boredom/lack of attention.

I have a 5 month old and 3 year old and this is our issue now too. Yesterday DS poured his smoothie into a nice pile on the carpet for no reason other than getting a reaction I am sure.
I also have 2 girls and went through similar stuff with them. Totally normal, yet a big pain in the ass.

nekorayne

Sorry guys, we ran to the store and then had lunch so I just got back to reply!

Thanks so much everyone!!!!

I do think it's all normal for his age- I think I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it. It's like the past few weeks he has matured in so many ways! It's crazy and I'm trying to do a lot of positive reinforcement because so many issues he had after DD came (probably due to adjusting to her) have just resolved! BUT at the same time this is an issue he has that I just can't figure out how to deal with. It's not even that it is bothering me so much as it's like that odd issue that I feel torn on. We tend to be more playful parents or maybe natural consequences (all depending on what it is) and I just can't figure out that spot that works with this issue. I THINK it's because their was a time when the consequence was "lets clean this up together" and now it's something he likes so...

The reason I thought impulse control was because the flour was out on the counter (yea bad move mom) because we were about to make pancakes. I had to go to the bathroom and then DD needed a diaper change and then we kissed DH goodbye and it all came down to at the end I asked him WHY he did that and he said he was baking.... he loves to cook and this is not thr first time this has happened. It's always the same thing, he gladly helps clean it out and says he was baking. I do feel like it's that attention of cleaning it up with me. We clean together a lot and I think he associates it with fun. Maybe I should start having him do that without me (and go back later and clean what he missed) and then after we go on with something that gives him attention that is not related to the behavior (maybe outside time with me or something). 

nekorayne

NandaB said:

But being tired or hungry ARE reasons for misbehavior, ya know? Not that they should be "allowed" to be naughty if they need a nap, but there is a reason and it should be considered. Kids don't do things for no reason. I mean, even if they know they aren't supposed to do something and do it anyway the reason should be considered when you redirect/give a consequence/etc. I really ike the suggestion of making him clean up the mess alone. The reason for making the flour mess IS most likely a need for attention, so if he doesn't get attention then maybe he will stop this behavior. BUT after he cleans up the mess he should get appropriate attention. Also, Neko you talk a lot about how he likes to make messes /be messy and you encourage that, so it makes sense for him to use that as a way to seek attention. I would maybe make a point to emphasize when it IS appropriate to make a mess. Ie when you are outside playing in the mud comment on how that's a good time to have fun being messy.

Oh and the last part is spot on!!!! I'm a "messy mama". We make messes (play in the mud, crafts, homemade flour, etc..) so I do think he connects messes to getting attention. We do that stuff together so....and then we clean it together so more attention! I really love the idea of making that connection while we are making a good mess. It's like positive reinforcement.

 

nekorayne

Would it maybe be a good idea for us to start planning a "mom and son" date day occasionally. Like we leave DD with MIL for a few hours and then go do something just us. I have been giving him attention and doing stuff just us and he seems to be adjusting but this week DD has been a bit needy and so I have to stop what I'm doing and go get her. I try to cone back and wear DD so we can continue our game but I know it's not the same. I've also noticed that he does this more on weeks where DH works more (this week). He is a daddy's boy and DH got promoted about the same time as we had DD. Sometimes the hours are way better, but occasionally it means we have  week where DH works more. DS seems to need more attention on these weeks. Maybe a "mom and son date day" on the weeks when DH works more just to offset it. I mean even if it's just going to the park without DD. 

ariel06

From what I've read, kids don't truly develop much impulse control until 7.  What's worked the best for us is discussing what would be a better idea next time.  So for the flour, I would ask whether it would be a good idea or a bad idea to do this again and then why do they think it was a bad idea. And then we discuss that they should stop and think (and ask a grown up if they're not sure).  My 5 year old is now usually able to somewhat explain what was going on in his mind.  

kcisthebombdotcom

nekorayne said:

Would it maybe be a good idea for us to start planning a "mom and son" date day occasionally. Like we leave DD with MIL for a few hours and then go do something just us. I have been giving him attention and doing stuff just us and he seems to be adjusting but this week DD has been a bit needy and so I have to stop what I'm doing and go get her. I try to cone back and wear DD so we can continue our game but I know it's not the same. I've also noticed that he does this more on weeks where DH works more (this week). He is a daddy's boy and DH got promoted about the same time as we had DD. Sometimes the hours are way better, but occasionally it means we have  week where DH works more. DS seems to need more attention on these weeks. Maybe a "mom and son date day" on the weeks when DH works more just to offset it. I mean even if it's just going to the park without DD. 

I do this every week since I have parents who live close and want to see the kids too much and it works really, really well.

lightgetsin

I agree. I try for either DH or myself to spend individual time with our kids as often as possible. The quieter, more easygoing kids (#2 & #3 out of 4) tend to get a little bit lost in the shuffle and I want them to know how loved and important they are.

LatteLady5

nekorayne said:

Would it maybe be a good idea for us to start planning a "mom and son" date day occasionally. Like we leave DD with MIL for a few hours and then go do something just us. I have been giving him attention and doing stuff just us and he seems to be adjusting but this week DD has been a bit needy and so I have to stop what I'm doing and go get her. I try to cone back and wear DD so we can continue our game but I know it's not the same. I've also noticed that he does this more on weeks where DH works more (this week). He is a daddy's boy and DH got promoted about the same time as we had DD. Sometimes the hours are way better, but occasionally it means we have  week where DH works more. DS seems to need more attention on these weeks. Maybe a "mom and son date day" on the weeks when DH works more just to offset it. I mean even if it's just going to the park without DD. 

Nobody is going to tell you this is a bad idea