OAD partially because you are doing most of the work? — The Bump
One & Done: Only child

OAD partially because you are doing most of the work?

Hi guys, I was really active when this board first started and then took a break for some health issues for L -- he was falling behind in gross motor, but with PT he is catching up and doing great. We'll still see neuro, genetics and orthopedics in a month to make sure it isn't anything serious, but I am trying to remain hopeful. Anyway one of the reasons I can't see us having a second child is because my husband is SO UNHELPFUL. He works a lot and has crazy hours, but I also work a lot and even though my job is more flexible it is still really hard to balance it all. I am the one who is rushing home to relieve the nanny, looking in our fridge to see if L has stuff to eat and making it for him, ordering diapers/formula/next size clothes, etc. I am trying to get him to help by making lists of what needs to be done, but he really just isn't home that much because of work. I feel like we had this super egalitarian marriage before L with two busy careers and now I am doing the bulk of the stuff at home. I am still very committed to my career and often log on from home after L is asleep. I can't imagine doing this with two! Anyway, we are OAD for now because I told him that I am OAD and am not bringing up the idea of a second child so if he wants one then he will have to bring it up. Does anyone else's marriage/partnership suffer from this as well? Is this part of why you are OAD?
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Re: OAD partially because you are doing most of the work?

  • I do more of the chores at home but dh works longer hours. The importance of our marriage is a reason we are OAD. We know our relationship would suffer if we had another child.
    Neary2011[Deleted User]
  • I do more of the chores at home but dh works longer hours. The importance of our marriage is a reason we are OAD. We know our relationship would suffer if we had another child.

    This is myself to a "T". I do all the chores in our home and yes my H does work long hours, but even when he is off from work, he doesn't help out. Our relationship is having it's issues right now, so in the deepest part of my heart we are done.
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  • It's not a factor for us at all (DH is a voluntary SAHD) but it's exactly why DH is an only child himself.
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  • OhBenji said:

    Its is definitely one of the main reasons we are OAD.

    As a PP mentioned, the importance of my marriage as well as having personal time is important, not to mention my sanity.

    I know my limits, and I feel like I would not function well with another child added to the mix.


    I am sorry you are going through that, I hope that its nothing serious with your LO. Please keep us updated.

    Same here. DH and I have very equal careers and work hours, but I do most of the "at home" stuff.  I was particularly frustrated this weekend.  I spend my weekends constantly focused on DS and what needs to be done (cleaning, laundry, food prep, meals, bath time, etc) and I'm always the one playing with DS, taking him to the park, reading books.  DH enjoys a ton of free time and never actively helps out (will when asked, but eventually it becomes nagging). 

    I gave DS an empty oatmeal canister and some uncooked noodles to play with Saturday morning.  It was glorious - he played and dumped and sorted for a good 30 minutes while I sat and drank coffee.  Then DH comes in and complains about the "mess" DS was making wtih the noodles.  I almost spit my coffee out at him. 

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  • I am a teacher. Dh works 6:15-4:30 M-F. He leaves the house before ds and I are even awake. I don't mind pickig up when it comes to laundry, grocery shopping, etc. I get most of those chores done before dh gets home from work. This gives us more family time during evenings and weekends. He will wash floors and helps on weekends. I do most of the big cleaning.

    We do not have babysitters so we don't get many nights out. We've never left ds overnight and can go six plus months without a date night. We create date nights at home, watching a movie or having a drink after ds goes to bed. This time is important. If we had another, we would lose a lot of our "us" time. This would effect all of us. Ds will someday move out and be the center if someone else's world, just as dh and I did with our own parents.
  • We haven't made a solid decision yet about being OAD...but before we had DD I was solidly in the camp of wanting 2 children.

    Certainly, one of the major reasons I am second guessing my previous position of 2 kids is due to the lack of help from DH. He does work as much as I do, and does a lot around our house (cleaning and yardwork, house, car and pool maintenance) but he doesn't help nearly enough in taking care of/supervising/playing with/feeding DD.  And it has been a continual point of contention since I went back to work almost a year ago when DD was 4months old.  

    I left DD at home for the first time a few weeks ago for a business trip and was gone 4 days. After that, without any prompting DH apologized to me and said he just didn't realize ALL that I was doing and how much work it is taking care of and chasing after DD. And since then he is doing a much better job of stepping up....So, it is possible that I might get to a point where I think we could handle a second, but DH needs to build up a much longer track record to convince me.



  • It does play a small role.  DH works a 2 week on/ 2 off job.  When he's on, I have to at least plan on doing "everything".  If he gets home during this time (and he does), it's a bonus that he can help.  But I can't p;lan on it - at all. 

    But when he is home, and when he's off for 2 weeks - he's 100% in and involved and taking on as much of the work as he can.  Because he knows how hard it is for me when he's not here. 

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  • Kind of. My husband works a lot and I SAH. We have a high needs child and I who exhausts me. I know that I cannot handle another one and still stay on top of everything else. If my husband worked normal hours or even less than 70 - 80 hours a week, I may consider it, but it's never going to happen.

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  • If we ever had seriously considered another child this would have been a big issue for us in the newborn months.  I would have done things very differently (meaning not put up with half the bullshit I put up with) and my husband would have been stunned.  I would have seriously worried about our marriage surviving a second.
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  • This is one of the reasons we're OAD too. Like pp said, DH is great when it comes to splitting chores but I definitely did/do most of the feeding/cleaning/playing with DD. He's way more involved now that she's older so that's great, but I would definitely wory about our marriage surviving another as well.
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  • Parenting in general is hard work.  DH does his fair share around the house and spends time with DS, but doing everything we're doing with DS X 2 is not appealing to me (or DH).

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  • legalbeagle1legalbeagle1 member
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    edited August 2013
    Thanks guys!  I guess maybe unfair to say he's "SO UNHELPFUL" considering the amount of time he works, but I definitely feel like I have to be the driving force or nothing gets done.  Also the stress re L's health and whether this is just a temporary get some physical therapy and occupational therapy thing or if there is something else going on is just getting to me.  Thanks for making me feel less alone.  OAD FTW!  =D>
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  • legalbeagle1legalbeagle1 member
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    edited August 2013
    @OhBenji, thanks.  He was falling behind in gross motor around six months and is now basically caught up in that but has low muscle tone so he doesn't have the best fine motor either.  He is alert, social and curious but isn't verbal yet so just hard to tell what is going on.  He's a really happy kid though so I am thankful for that and hopeful for a good outcome.
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