Reference letter

MagickalNarwhal

Thanks, I'm deleting for privacy

maryoosa

How close are you to them? I'd say if you're not super close to them, then just be really honest--- and say that you aren't comfortable since you're essentially being asked to be a character witness (let's face it-that's what the letters are).

That says- lots of people have what looks rocky to those outside the marriage--- my partner and I bicker obsessively. We really do. It makes other people uncomfortable- but we love each other hard, fast and forever, and we've been together for over 15 years, we've always wanted to raise a child together, and adoption was the only way that was going to happen. We've been ambivilent about having kids at times though- I mean who isn't? I know women about to go into labor who start freaking out about having a child.

But the bottom line is that if you aren't comfortable writing a letter, then just politely decline, or try to put it out there before they ask that you wouldn't be their reference.

Dr.Loretta

Ditto the others. Just tell them you're not comfortable writing a reference letter, and that they should find someone else. And let the chips fall where they may.

MagickalNarwhal

Unfortunately (?) they are what I would consider very good friends - we used to be very very close and they were literally the only ones that showed up through our IF/loss struggles and the adoption process.

It's not that they squabble (I actually never see them argue), but that one has confided to me on several occasions that she wants to leave. 

So thankfully today they really did just want to come visit for a while and they didn't ask about the reference. I do feel like I'll have to say no and I know that it will really harm the friendship esp after how steadfast they were with us when we were family building. And I know they will have no issues finding other people (who don't know them as well maybe?) to write them so me not writing the letter won't prevent them from adopting. Ugh.

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