Hadn't thought of this... BM and school functions

ambrvan

BM has supervised visits EOW, supervised by BM's mother. The CO does not say anything about events like sports or field trips or anything. We are trying to make things as normal as possible for SD. And so far things are running smoothly.

The CO does say that we are to keep her up to date on school things like grades. So I saved SD's grades papers and standardized test scores from last year's and faced them to her tonight when they picked up SD.

First let me put it out there that it buys the crap out of me that BM is living with her parents right now and so is acting like super mom.

Anyway... We fill her in on the goings on and tell her about SD wanting to pay soccer this Fall. The ONLY reason I even filed them in on that is because I needed them to be on board with it because games/practices will no doubt fall on some of their weekends. It is a bit of a drive for them and I needed to know if they could be on board with that or not. BM eagerly agreed and then GM hands over some money to help with the registration fee. And that bugged me, too, although it shouldn't. I hate that they (the grandparents) are trying to buy SD and by doing so are making BM look better.

So then BM asks if we have a schedule of school events, like field trips. We don't. They let us know those things as they come.

But it got me to thinking... How would supervised visitation work for something like that? Currently the school still has the restraining order on file because we have not yet received a paper copy of the CO. We have told the school nothing of the changes yet because we have no papers in hand.

Our lawyer is not making us happy right now. No returned messages since June! What is worse is that he is a client of ours at my vet clinic, so I see him often but cannot speak to him about this at those times. It makes me want to key his big truck while he is at the desk. Ugh!

Anyway, sorry for the novel. Thanks for reading. Advice please?

dannie2011

Does the court order mention the place these supervised visit are to take place? If it does then I would think that they must happen at that place.  Does BM only have weekends set as her days if that is the case then school events maybe off limits? But I'm just guessing, I hate that your Lawyer is not responding, maybe time to fire him?

ambrvan

The words that are supposed to be in the order are that BM has supervised visitation with the minor child from 6p Fri-6p Sun, with visits "to be supervised, eyes and ears, by the BM's parents for the entire duration of the visit." The order also says that these visits are to take place at the grandparents' residence, but that it there so that if BM moves out, visits are still at GP's home and not hers because she could not keep a clean or healthy living environment in the past (one of the smaller problems). The judge specifically said that as long as a GP is with BM and SD, then they can go wherever.

But visitation TIME is set. Otherwise it stipulates two phone calls a week at 7p on Tues and Thurs. But since BM more has a job, first since SD's birth, we have been lenient and asked her to call other days, as long as it is two phone calls a week at 7p.

As I've said and as most of you know, BM should make any normal human being's skin crawl, but we are trying to make this as normal as possible for SD as long as we know she is safe.

Amanda88

In our CO, it specifically states that BM can come to school functions if it is not her visitation time. I would think that unless it specifically states in your CO that she has these rights, that she does not. She has supervised visits, and being in a crowded area could lead to her not being supervised properly. 

I would hold off giving any information until you hear back from your attorney. 

Littlejen22

She cannot go to school events unless they are in her time. Period.

Pamelacake

I'm glad things are going so smoothly, I don't have any advice just curious.. this is a very good question. I hope your atty gets back with you soon. I'm having the same issue with that.

fellesferie

Thinking from the perspective of a teacher or parent of another child in the class, I think it is not appropriate for her to go on any field trips or any events where she will be 'in charge' of a group of kids. Big events where she'd sit in an auditorium, sure, whatever. As long as she is supervised. 

You might want to have a conversation with the teacher and explain the situation. That way if BM tries to volunteer to chaperone a field trip or something, the teacher can let her know they have enough parents.

Littlejen22

I would strongly suggest pointing out to the school that she has supervised visits and only every other weekend and until then she is not allowed to see SD during the week regardless of the situation.

ambrvan

fellesferie said:

Thinking from the perspective of a teacher or parent of another child in the class, I think it is not appropriate for her to go on any field trips or any events where she will be 'in charge' of a group of kids. Big events where she'd sit in an auditorium, sure, whatever. As long as she is supervised. 

You might want to have a conversation with the teacher and explain the situation. That way if BM tries to volunteer to chaperone a field trip or something, the teacher can let her know they have enough parents.

Along the lines same lines that I was thinking. I'll shoot her teacher an email.

ambrvan

Littlejen22 said:

I would strongly suggest pointing out to the school that she has supervised visits and only every otger weekend and until then she is not allowed to see SD during the week regardless of the situation.

Also a good point. As if now, the school has the old restraining order on file with her mug shot and we have not updated the information because we don't have papers in hand. So she cannot partipate anyway. I was wondering if it would look bad on us if we did not allow BM to participate in school functions if BM's mother accompanied her.

I cannot saying anything more on this other subject, but there is more to the reason why we don't want SD getting used to seeing BM more than just get EOW visits. We are not sure how long they will continue, and not necessarily because BM will fade out.

lookame3639

Actually in my state if it is not specifically stated in the CO that a parent cant come to school events outside of visitation times then the NCP is allowed to do whatever they want regarding school.

In your situation you have supervised visitation and therefor the school may be more strict with her but they also may allow her in feild trips if her parents are with her.

Shoot the teacher an email and shoot the princioal an email as well. You may want to have a sit down meeting with them and explain the situation with them both.

ETA: schools tend to err on the side of caution since they dont want to be sued.

CFjo2010

fellesferie said:

Thinking from the perspective of a teacher or parent of another child in the class, I think it is not appropriate for her to go on any field trips or any events where she will be 'in charge' of a group of kids. Big events where she'd sit in an auditorium, sure, whatever. As long as she is supervised. 

You might want to have a conversation with the teacher and explain the situation. That way if BM tries to volunteer to chaperone a field trip or something, the teacher can let her know they have enough parents.

All of this.

For the sake of normalcy for SD, if there are school performances or soccer games or dance recitals that don't take place during the CO'd time, I would think it would be ok to let BM attend as long as her parents attend also (to act as the supervisor per the CO).  Just make it clear that if BM acts up or makes things awkward for SD, then you will follow the CO to the very letter from there on.  I know BM is a piece of crap, but I just wonder if SD would benefit from BM attending her extracurricular stuff, KWIM?

SimpleJane

I would absolutely not allow her any time outside of what is given to her for the supervised visits. Have we all forgotten this woman is a child molester?! Nope, I would let the school know she is only allowed supervised visitation and none of the times allowed fall under school hours, so she will not be participating in school activities. Give them a copy of the CO when u receive it.

Holly_1007

I didn't read any responses, but in our state you have to have a background check done and pass a CORI (I think that is what it is called) to be able to be around children and go on field trips.  I doubt your BM (from what I have read) would even pass one and be eligible to chaperone a field trip, so I wouldn't worry about that. 

As far as if SD has a school play or presentation, I would tell her about it, make sure she knows GM has to be there, and you and DH will be there as well, but that will come up, once, maybe twice all year? Hopefully you hear from your attorney before then. 

ambrvan

SimpleJane said:

I would absolutely not allow her any time outside of what is given to her for the supervised visits. Have we all forgotten this woman is a child molester?! Nope, I would let the school know she is only allowed supervised visitation and none of the times allowed fall under school hours, so she will not be participating in school activities. Give them a copy of the CO when u receive it.

I completely agree with you. You know I do. But I am honestly terrified after the way things went the last time that she could go back at any time and appeal the supervision order, the law says she can do so at any time, and that things would go in her favor. The only concrete evidence we had to stand on depended on the cooperation of SD's siblings' father. He pulled back a week before we went to court. As far as things are concerned in our state, SD's case is an independent matter because she is the only child currently in this state. And SD has no memory of what happened now. We are stuck until hopefully the case that is still being built with the siblings comes to something. We are honestly kind of scared now.

I will probably DD this reply or at least modify it to exclude some things.

SimpleJane

ambrvan said:

I would absolutely not allow her any time outside of what is given to her for the supervised visits. Have we all forgotten this woman is a child molester?! Nope, I would let the school know she is only allowed supervised visitation and none of the times allowed fall under school hours, so she will not be participating in school activities. Give them a copy of the CO when u receive it.

I completely agree with you. You know I do. But I am honestly terrified after the way things went the last time that she could go back at any time and appeal the supervision order, the law says she can do so at any time, and that things would go in her favor. The only concrete evidence we had to stand on depended on the cooperation of SD's siblings' father. He pulled back a week before we went to court. As far as things are concerned in our state, SD's case is an independent matter because she is the only child currently in this state. And SD has no memory of what happened now. We are stuck until hopefully the case that is still being built with the siblings comes to something. We are honestly kind of scared now. I will probably DD this reply or at least modify it to exclude some things.

It boils my blood that just because this all happened to her other children who live in a different state, it cant be held against her in your state. There is documented sexual abuse between her and her other children, leading to her losing custody of her other children. She is a piece of shit human being. She doesn't even want time with her kid, her parents are pushing for it, and now you and YH have to walk on egg shells and hope that she doesn't file an appeal and win more time with SD. That woman is a monster from everything you have told us here and my heart just continually breaks for you guys every time you post. 

Ugh. Im praying for you guys. 

xmaryrickx

You have gotten great advice. Speak to the teacher, and let them know not to allow her any time during the week.

I feel like you whole situation is a reflection on the deep routed sexism in our society. No doubt in my mind that if this was a BF instead of BM in this exact same scenario rights would have been terminated or at the very least all visitation would have been stopped. Andplusalso, that there would have been jail time for the heinous crimes committed. But nope.

I hope whatever is going on puts an end to the nonsense for all of your sakes but especially your SD. That sweet girl deserves a peaceful safe life, one with out her abuser present.