BFN and frustration

Allison7

I knew it was a long shot that I would get what I wanted on the first cycle of clomid, but I so needed the win. DH won't talk about if we are moving to clomid + IUI next cycle and I have to call the RE tomorrow and tell them our decision. The only thing he will talk about is his plans to go visit his nephew when he is born in the fall. He has not once thought about how his obnoxious excitement over his nephew just highlights for me my failure to successfully hold onto the pregnancies we have had or to even get pregnant in a cycle where I had two follicles. We are unexplained, but ever since his SA looked good, I have felt like I an on an island. It would be nice if I could escape all of this a little at work, but I hate it there and there are so many pregnant people there. I have never been much of an optimist, but each month I find myself so hopeful that this is it. The eval cycle sure had to be it because we knew exactly when to TI. Then it was the cycle after that because I was waiting for results and wouldn't get treatment and so it was bound to happen then. I moved onto the meds and figured that would do it, TI + meds and I had been pregnant on my own before. Plus, I had two no thanks your from interviews for a new job last week, so karma had to be in my favor, right? Wrong. I know a lot of this rant has to do with my hormones spiraling out of control right now and I will theoretically feel better about this in a few days, but it sucks tonight and I am balling. Thanks for letting me vent ladies.

CalinAZ

Sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I did have a similar experience with my husband after he got good results from his SA - sort of like he knew he was "good" so that any issue about why we weren't pregnant was because of me. It did feel isolating, and I can only imagine how much worse it would feel if you had already gone through everything it sounds like you have already done.  I second the idea about possibly seeing a therapist to help deal with all the stress you both are under. I really hope that you start to feel better soon!

ngalvan99

HI Allison7...we were cycle buddies this cycle and it was my first IUI as well but it is a bust AF arrived today so now we are on to IUI#2. I called my RE's office today to have our first scan done. I know it sucks to see a BFN but I just know one day it will happen. I'm not so bummed this cycle because it was my first cycle to produce a follicle. So I see it as a win either way. At least we got closer to our end goal. Stay strong. Treat yourself to a spa day or mani/pedi. In regards to the hubs, sorry you are having to deal with that on top of everything else. 

Allison7

Hey everyone, thanks for the support!

I wish I could get DH to therapy, but that is a definite no. I went once without him and I used some of the advice I got there when he got home from hockey last night. He started in that since he was good and my numbers looked fine it has to be that I am stressed and that I have to calm down or this will never happen. I just threw it back letting him know that blaming my stress does not help me be not stressed  :-w I also took a page form @calindi and told him that I understand that he would like to never talk about it and that I would like to talk about it lots, so we should meet in the middle. I can leave him alone about this most days, but if I need support one day he needs to give it without complaining. And no complaining about having to go give a "donation" at the RE either. I get that he does not like doing this, but I am not super pumped about loading up on fertility meds either. We are in it together.

@ngalvan99 I am so sorry to hear that you are out too! It looks like we will be cycle buddies once again as my official CD1 will be today. They called in my clomid today for me to start on Sunday.

Asantusa1

Infertility can cause such stress on a couple. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. My husbands nbwrs were superior and although I was happy I also felt I was the solo 'broken one' with my pcos. I felt I was the reason, my body, my stress, my everything. I cried alot. My husband insisted it was our problem and held me as I cried. It took a long time for him to get here initially as he did not feel the stress and anxiety about the struggle. But seeing me so desperate got him there. I too initially was told "just calm down" it will happen. Your DH will come around. Man handle things so differently.

ngalvan99

@Allison7 I went to my CD1 scan on Friday and I have a little cyst on my left ovary (from where the egg was released from the follie) so I have been benched this cycle and will be starting BCP today. Good luck with this cycle and keep us updated!

briehannah

Alison7... Thank you so much for so accurately depicting the exact thoughts and feelings that I am going through as well. When i was reading your post, i felt like i was reading my own. I have been in drug therapy since December with two failed pregnancies, 2 IUI cycles, multiple trigger shots, and countless mood swings from (what feels like) every hormone medication they can throw at me. Yesterday was a bad day, as i got yet another BFN. I am sure that, like you said, "it's gotta be the hormones", but it spun me out of control. I cried all day from the time i took the test in the morning, until I went to sleep last night. And although my mom is trying to help, it sure didn't help when she offered to start looking into adoption options. I'm just not there yet. I still have hope.
And although DH is trying to be as supportive as possible, it does feel incredibly isolating. Especially since all of this is happening to OUR bodies, not theirs. I feel like my body (and mind) is not even mine anymore.
But the hope is what keeps us going. Knowing that one day, we will see that BFP, followed by a successful and healthy pregnancy.
So, Thank you again for all your words. Good luck to you!