In Need of Suggestions

sschwege

When DS was first born and pretty much until the time when he could sit up, DD was always really good with him.  Very gentle, always bringing him toys and trying to make him smile.  For about the last month or so she has started to rough house with him.  I think some of it is a sincere desire to play with him.  Last weekend her cousins were in town and they always rough house and since they have been gone it seems like it's gotten a little worse.  I think the majority of it is just testing the limits, like how far can I push this?  Part of the problem is DS is the most easy-going kid alive, I swear.  She can do almost anything to him and he will find it funny or at the very least not complain, I don't think she has ever made him cry with her antics.  I care for another little boy DS's age who is much more sensitive and cries if DD tries to do any of this with him.  So she seems to leave him out of it more or less, or won't push it so far with him.  But here's an example, today I was going to change the diaper of the boy I care for.  I put DS in the excersaucer even though I know he prefers the floor because quite honestly I don't trust DD.  She asked me to leave him on the floor, so I said, "OK, only if you are going to play gentle."  She agreed.  I change the diaper (just a room away but I can't see them) and come back to her sitting on DS's stomach.  I tell her to get off, that could hurt him, I don't sit on her, etc.  She does, but then lays down next to him and starts rolling back and forth swinging her legs so they are landing on DS.  I tell her to stop.  She does, then starts grabbing him by his chin roughly.  At this point I pick her up put her behind the gate for a few minutes then return and we sit on the chair and talk about what happened.  I'm mad at myself because I yelled, "I'm so sick of this!"  as I was bringing her behind the gate.  I'm just not a yeller and don't want to become one.  

We only use time-outs if she gets physical with someone.  About a year ago she went through a phase where she was hitting/pushing us out of anger and it was an immediate time-out, no warnings.  This approach was really effective and it's extremely rare that she does this now.  So should I just start putting her behind the gate for anything that's too rough and hopefully she will start to tone it down?  I've have tried giving her ideas on how to play with the babies in a nice way, reading a book, giving them toys, playing peek-a-boo and of course none of that interests her.  Any other ideas?  

I just really want to nip this quick before it becomes a habit, plus I'm obviously worried she is really going to hurt one of the babies.  A few other pieces of information, it seems to be worse when she is tired.   This particular incident happened before nap, though that's not always the case.  She has had a lot of big changes in the last 4 1/2 months, potty trained, big girl bed, the baby who stays with us during the day, sitting in a big chair to eat.

Please help!

sschwege

Oh and we get out almost every day.  We go for walks, to the park, story-time at the library when they have it, she rides her bike, etc.  I really try to make sure she doesn't feel cooped up with two babies all day.

aglenn

We struggle with this, too.   In my DD's case I think it is part wanting to play and part attention-getting.  I treat it as a safety issue and she gets a warning and then time out if she does it again.  She will go through phases where she's being rough all the time, and then I will tell her no more warnings and it will be immediate time out if she cannot be gentle.  That does improve the behavior for a while but it inevitably comes back.  Now that DS is bigger it is less worrisome but I still don't leave them together unsupervised for more than a few seconds at a time.

XCrissCrossX

I'm worried the timeouts won't work if she doesn't understand what the difference between playing rough and playing nice is. If she saw her cousins playing like this, maybe she thinks its a good way to play. She might just come to connect the baby to timeouts and avoid him completely, kwim?

So, if you think she understands that she's being rough, then go for it. If she doesn't, I think you just need to have lots and lots (and lots and lots and lots) of talks about what might hurt and why it might hurt and how to play nicely, etc.

We're going through something similar with a new puppy. DS is so mean to hurt-- but he thinks he's playing.

sschwege

Thank you for the suggestions and keep them coming!  Yesterday I decided that if I saw behavior that was too rough I would set the timer for two minutes and in those two minutes DD can not play/touch her brother.  But can go do other things and after the two minutes she is free to try again.  I think this is a middle ground, I don't want her to feel like she's being punished, but at the same time I need to make sure everyone is safe.  It's only been a day, but it seems like it might help.