How to handle RUDE adoption questions (transracial parenting)

EgoCommaAlter

Hi all.   I'm actually nowhere in the adoption triad, but hoping for advice from you all, since my husband and I aren't sure.

My husband and I are an interracial couple with two biological kids. I'm white, and responsible for the school/daycare drop-off/pickup.  So none of the other parents have met my husband.  He is black/white/Asian. While our son looks more like me, our daughter is all my husband, and has his Asian eyes. They're both in diapers, I just went back to work - many new socialization situations coming up. 

I got a question last week from a mom my kids' school about my daughter's "adoption from China". I was so floored, as well as offended (wrong country, not to mention racist to assume she couldn't possibly be my bio-kid), angry that she asked in front of my son, and so not a morning person, that my response came out, "She's not Chinese and she's not adopted. Seriously, what Chinese person has super curly hair like hers?"  (note:  I think adoption is a wonderful way to build a family.  I just don't want my kids, who aren't adopted, to get confused or think our family's "different").

I feel like I handled it badly on many levels.  As adoptive moms, what in the future is a better way to field this question so I correct the questioner, but don't hurt the feelings of an adopted child who might overhear? 

Dr.Loretta

I think a simple, "Oh she's not adopted, she's my biological daughter" would have been sufficient.

Now I'm going to ramble.

Honestly, you're going to get this all.the.time. A friend of mine is a white Jewish girl from Boston who married a man with South Korean heritage. Their kids are more or less clones of their father. On a regular basis she gets, "Are they yours?" Most of the time it doesn't bother her, and she simply says yes. But it depends on the delivery (cranky old ladies don't do well with her).

I don't really see this as an adoption issue. Sure, some people are either going to assume you're the nanny, or you adopted your daughter. But just as many people are going to assume your H is where your kids got some of their features. Those who go straight to adoption in their heads may be interested in adoption, and see you as a potential resource, but approach it in a clunky way. Some may be merely curious, and a quick brush-off will suffice.

If you haven't already, I'd look into resources on living as a transracial family, period. Your family IS different. Just like a lot of other families are. Some have biracial parents, some have same-sex parents, some have step-parents, some have interreligious parents, etc. You get the drift. Teaching your kids how to handle those questions (because they WILL come up), as well as modeling to them how to address them appropriately, will go a long way.

If you are looking for specific resources, there's a blog called Rage Against the Minivan, about a white family who adopted transracially. The author talks about race pretty often, so there may be some info there to get you started. Adoptive Families Magazine has articles on transracial adoption, and can also give you some resources.

CaptainSerious

I think it's sweet you are seeking an answer that won't be offensive to adoptive families.

I agree with Dr. L., your family is different.  But that's the way of the world, and becoming increasingly common.  (I once had a conversation with a demographer in which we discussed how the current race designations would have to be eliminated or revised as more interracial families are formed.)  For now, though, people will make assumptions about your relationship to your children.  For what it's worth, it works both ways, and I get the reverse; people often assume my internationally (and interracially) adopted children are my biological sons (and also that they are biologically related themselves, which they are not).

I think simply commenting that your daughter is not adopted is fine.  You don't have to say anything further, or even clarify that she is, in fact, your daughter if you don't want.  I also agree with Dr. L that you should discuss race with your children.  First, start out by discussing different skin colors and facial features.  Then point out differences and even areas where one race seems prevalent over others.  In time, you can bring up how sometimes people stay in their general geographical areas and don't often spend time with people who look different.  Explain that this can lead them to thinking silly things about those people who look different, and sometimes even being afraid, and how being afraid can make them do or say mean things.  It's important to do this while they are young so that they are aware of racism before it affects them.  As they grow, you can teach them about how to react in different situations, when reaching out is a good idea versus ignoring comments/actions, and how to be proud of themselves regardless of what others may think or attribute to them.

As Dr. L said, Adoptive Families has great articles about this and there are helpful books on the topic as well.

EgoCommaAlter

Thanks ladies for your insight. 

I agree this isn't an "adoption" issue (when my kids weren't adopted) but there is no "multiracial" board on TB so this is the closest I could get. 

To clarify - my husband isn't really multiracial in the sense Americans are. Most people from his country will describe themselves as "black mixed with..." - he was almost grown when he moved to the US. And people from his country are just lumped into 'black" when they come here. He and I did talk about this, but we were at a standstill because neither of us could come up with a response we felt wasn't snarky.  

We're both private people and don't want our kids to think it's polite for someone to ask a zillion questions about their background, or that they're obligated to respond any more than they want to.

Regardless, sorry for the randomness and thanks for letting me squat.  

Dr.Loretta

No worries.

Snarky is an option for some people, I think. But I think it's also good to 1) put yourself in their shoes (they may be coming from a good place and just don't know how to approach it) and 2) put your kids into your mindset as well. Especially if they are with you, you'll need to model for them what appropriate responses should be, even if they are brief. "Oh, she's not adopted, we are a multiracial family." "She's not adopted, are you an adoptive mom?" "Why do you ask?" Etc.

I do think it's really important to talk to them about race, how families are different, and to even role-play in questions they may be asked and how to answer them appropriately. They could quite likely have peers asking "what are you?" "where were you born?" etc., and it would be good to arm them with responses, even if that response may be "it's personal".