intro and question

AlmostWright

I have been lurking for a long time and am ready to make an introduction to people who really understand 2IF. Our background--DH and I have a 3.5 year old son (conceived naturally after about 6 months) and have been TTC #2 for over 2.5 years. We wanted kids close together so started trying when he was less than a year old, got pregnant first try but it ended in a miscarriage. Kept trying until DH was diagnosed with thyroid cancer and had to have surgery and radiation (now officially in remission!). When he was cleared, we started again with no luck and finally went to a RE in case the radiation caused MFI. DH was actually fine, but I had a blocked tube with a hydro so had that removed. The RE seemed sure we would get pregnant in a few cycles on our own, but we are still here. Just finished our first medicated cycle of clomid+trigger+TI that ended in a BFN. We are going to move to IUI this next cycle.

I worry a lot about the age difference between DS and a sibling if we are ever able to have another. We wanted 2 under 2 and now are just hoping the gap stays around 5 years. I wonder if it will be like having two separate families since they will be into completely different things due to their ages, or if we will still be able to enjoy things all together. Anyone else worry about this? It seems like everywhere we go, I only see siblings close in age!

MJC1116

I worry about that all the time, and it was a really big issue that I had to deal with. My siblings and I are really far apart in age (13,14 and 15 years -- from a previous marriage), and I am pretty much an only child. Growing up, most of my friends had siblings within 2 years, and now being a mom, it seems like everyone has spaced their kids out by 2 years...maybe 3. That's obviously not an option for us now, so once my daughter turned 3 and I still hadn't had a baby, I figured I may as well get over that fear.

Here's my thinking -- you can have kids close together who may not be able stand each other and have very serious sibling rivalry, you could have kids close in age who are really close friends. The same goes with kids spaced farther apart. I think it depends on their personality and parenting. Every time I meet someone who have a brother or sister (or children) spaced 4 years or more apart, I always ask them how its working and the general consensus is that it's fantastic. They can devote tons of time to the baby because their first is in preschool or kinder, and the older is so protective of their little baby sibling. They're great helpers, too. 

I guess what I'm saying is it can go either way. At the end of the day, I just remind myself that I don't care how far apart my kids are as long as my DD is not an only. I just don't want her to be alone. 

How long have you been trying? I'm glad your husband is fine. I can imagine having thyroid cancer would be pretty scary! Good luck to you!

tislay84

It's something I worry about too and we wanted our children to be closer in age but life happens. There is a big age gap between my sister and I (6 years) and we didn't really get along while I was teen but now that we're adults we are very close. I think this varies too from one family to another though because I've been around friends whose kids have a large age gap and they are best buddies.

I'm glad to hear that your husband is in remission!

freakyfast

Hi there... I wanted to comment on the age gap thing but not sure I am in a good spot to do so....

Therefore... I will say welcome, and glad your husband is in remission! 

AlmostWright

Thanks for the welcome! I know age difference is a silly thing to be concerned about but I am a worrier. My brother and I are only 18 months apart, and I remember playing together a lot growing up. But you never know what will happen with personalities so I guess anything is possible.

MJC1116--we are now into month 34, cycle 27 if you don't include the forced breaks. I can't believe we are almost at the 3 year mark. I am very grateful that DS makes the time go by quickly!

74dragonfly

Lurking from PAIF. I hope it is ok to respond.
When I have my baby DD will be almost five. I met a bunch of people with a similar gap and they tell me it has been great. While we were ttc #2 I had the same worry of age gap. Someone said to me "siblings are for life, not just for a childhood playmate". This made me feel better. A sibling will hopefully teach DD a lot.
I wish you all the best in your journey.

CMDR513

At this point, if we are lucky this cycle, they will be 5.5 years apart. DH and his brother are 8.5 years apart and are pretty close. The only thing DH hated was being drug to WDW when he was a young teenager, etc. My 2 sisters and I are 4 years apart total. I am in the middle. I am much closer to my younger sister, who is 2.5 years younger, and it has always been that way. My older sister's kids are 7, 4.5, and 2.5. The youngest ones are girls and are really close. My younger sister's kids are 6.5 and 1 and have a pretty good relationship. My sister feels bad that she has to drag Juliana to all of Nic's games, etc. My BFF has two girls that are 2.5 years apart and they fight a lot. I guess there are both positives and negatives to each age gap. My Mom and her sister were 11 years apart, and both felt like an only child.

KC1212

I thought I would offer a different perspective here ( so please, no one take offense)

I am an only child. No step-siblings, no half siblings - nada.

My mom had me and had her tubes tied immediately. She was truly one & done.

Growing up I LOVED being the only child. I was spoiled I had my bedroom and then a playroom, later as a teen I had the whole entire basement. I didn't stay in college dorms because the idea of sharing anything was too mind boggling.

If we went on vacations and my parents felt I needed company a cousin came along.

With that said- here I am one child of my own and I find myself wanting at least one more. But I don't necessarily think my son would care one way or the other. I'm inclined to think that siblings are for the parents not the children.

As for the age difference - I would prefer close in age but I'll take what I can get and I feel like there are pros and cons either way ( close in age vs not)

So I'm just throwing out a different viewpoint, nothing more, nothing less. I find that only childhood is the minority so I just want to reassure everyone that I can attest that I was not pining for siblings

I hope nobody misconstrues this. I feel like we all bring different experiences to the table and that is how we learn and grow from one another.

AlmostWright

I appreciate all the different stories! It seems like all I see are close age gaps but maybe that is all I am looking for. There do seem to be advantages to a bigger age gap and having one more independent.

KC1212--it is good to know you loved being an only. Since we haven't decided how far we will go with treatments that has crossed my mind as well.

KKDRAGONFLY--that is a great saying! I am going to have to remember that. Thanks!

Momarazzi007

Here is the opposite end if the spectrum- I'm one of seven kids, and truly middle child. Despite having soma y siblings I constantly begged my parents to have one more! They did and little sister was it, twelve years younger than me lol. I had two sister and my older was 12 years older and do to previous marriage if father's didn't meet her until younger sister was born (21 years ago this week!) for me, I had a hole that only my sister filled. I live most if my brothers (hahahahaha) but something about a sibling the same as gender as you, idk. But everyone is different, part of me feels dd Needs a sibling but maybe I'm putting my past on her... Idk, but I can't imagine not having my siblings, al though it would have been nice to not fight for attention so much, 6 kids at home was a lot!!! 2-3 is my personal ideal!

KC1212

I worked with a woman with 7 kids and her family was beautiful and they seemed so fun! her sister had 13 children!