To add to my stress...

jgoetz1

I am a teacher heading back to work next week with two little ones.  I had my son in March so was on maternity leave and then had summer off, so I've been home with my kids for the past 5 months.  Along with the worries of going back to work, leaving my son in  daycare when he refuses bottles and juggling household chores and everything else, I got the bad news today that my car needs some parts replaced and the bill is $2,000.  I trust the mechanic (have been going there for awhile) and did research online and it sounds just like what's wrong with my car.  Fearing for my and my kids' safety, I send DH a message at work about it and call the mechanic back telling him to make the repairs.  I don't have time to shop around, need my car to drive to work next week and am afraid to not get the repairs.

Anyway, DH is livid and tells me that I need to figure out a way to pay this money back.  He said I shouldn't be making big purchases without his permission and with 2 kids in daycare now, we can't afford this.  I am aware of this, but don't feel like it's an option not to get the repairs.  DH then says that I take care of our kids well, but that I don't support them financially.  ( I am a full-time public school teacher and I tutor)  He says I need to get more tutoring clients to make up for what I need to pay for the car.  I am stressed enough about going back full-time and he says this to me.  I work so hard as a teacher and a mother and can't help that my salary isn't a lot.  I am so upset that DH is acting like this.  I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance here that I made the best decision getting the car what it needs and that DH is not being fair here.  sigh...

jgoetz1

Thanks for the kind words.  The timing couldn't be worse right now.    It just makes me feel like DH resents me for being a teacher and not making more money.  I went to grad school for teaching, worked really hard to get here and love my job.  I am far from a big spender and am always trying to save money, so feel like DH is being so unfair.  We only have one joint checking account and I always saw it as our money for our family, but apparently DH sees it differently. 

honeybee111

Ummm what?  I'm a teacher and I would be furious if DH ever held my income(or lack of it) over my head like that.  Is this the first time he's ever made comments like that?  I think you should sit down and discuss his comments and attitude - this is more than just dealing with a big car repair bill.  Good luck!

CYBURRCHIC

Your DH needs a reality check. What are your options, driving an unsafe vehicle with your two kids in the car? Moneys is money and you cannot put a price tag on safety. He needs to grow up and be a real partner not adding more stress on you.

jgoetz1

Before we got married, I worked in television and I decided to pursue a teaching career since I was unhappy where I was at the time.  When I told DH I wanted to go to grad school for teaching, he gave me a lot of resistance, saying that I wouldn't make back what I had to pay in loans for awhile.  I told him my happiness was more important, so went for it.  It was the best decision for me and I am really happy teaching.  DH has always said that you work to make money and not for the enjoyment of it.  I totally disagree.  I wanted a fulfilling career and to feel like what I did was important.  Since becoming a teacher, DH has said he is proud of me and wishes he enjoyed his work more.  Now two kids later, I feel like he resents my career choice and blames me for our family not being better off.  At the same time, I am not willing to take on more tutoring clients after school since my time will be so limited with my own kids as it is.  I just hope DH realizes how wrong he is with this.

shannm

Your DH is a jackhole. Who do you have to pay back? Him? I would ask him what his alternative suggestion to fixing your car was. Perhaps he can drop you all off before he goes to work? And throwing your salary in your face is so disrespectful.

financialdiva

Kimbus22 said:

I think your main problem is your husband, not your car.  If my husband told me I had to take on more work to "pay back" money we used out of OUR money to pay to repair OUR car, I'd laugh in his face. 

Granted I'd talk to my husband before okaying repairs that cost that much but your H is being a complete asshole.  I'd be having a very long, very serious talk about expectations and respect if I were you.

I second all of this. I'm so pissed for you right now.

LoCarb

financialdiva said:

Kimbus22 said:

I think your main problem is your husband, not your car.  If my husband told me I had to take on more work to "pay back" money we used out of OUR money to pay to repair OUR car, I'd laugh in his face. 

Granted I'd talk to my husband before okaying repairs that cost that much but your H is being a complete asshole.  I'd be having a very long, very serious talk about expectations and respect if I were you.

I second all of this. I'm so pissed for you right now.

+1 more.
If you suspect he resents you a long talk is necessary. Maybe several long talks and discussions about how to improve your relationship where these feelings are not surfaced. Sometimes it helps to have a 3rd party, unbiased opinion from a professional too.

jlaOK

It definitely sounds like this isn't just about the car.  It really sounds like you guys aren't on the same page about money.  Do you keep your finances separate?  Maybe he has been stressed out about money and the added expense of the car repair threw him for a loop.  Definitely doesn't explain his behavior about saying that you need to "pay back" the money, but maybe it would help if you guys talked about finances, financial goals, etc.

 

*sparky*

I am so sorry your DH is acting that way.  I am with all of the others on this one.  You guys need to have along talk.  He needs to stop harboring this resentment and act like he is part of a team.  It's not like you spent $2K out of nowhere on new clothes or a girls' weekend.  I am so irritated for you. 

jgoetz1

He did apologize to me this morning and I am prepared to have a long talk about our finances. Last night it hit me that since this is uncharacteristic of him to be so disrespectful to me that I think he is not handling all of his stress appropriately and it may be time to see a counselor. Thanks for all of the support.

daisy662

Best of luck! I agree with pp's. this behavior would not go over well with me. I can also put myself in his shoes as I make significantly more (3 times more) than my husband who has 3 fancy degrees and the student loans to prove it... But he loves what he does and I would never ever treat him the way your DH treated you. We are a married couple and our money is our money. Best of luck sweetie! And good for you for being one of the few teachers anymore who loves their job and is doing it for the right reasons. You are to be commended

KL777

I'm sorry to hear that your DH said all of those things to you.  In all fairness, after you sent the message to your DH about the car expense, could you have waited to hear back from him, to see what other ideas he may have had?  He may have said, go ahead with the repair, but at least this way, he would feel like he was an active partner in the household.

I know a lot of couples discuss purchases over a certain dollar amount, and I think this practice, helps to avoid a lot of stressful arguments.

And don't worry about your children, they'll be fine.  Appreciate that you get built in time at home (summers off  and breaks) and a job that you love!

kristennd

Holy crap.

I would definitely involve a counselor. I'm not sure what he sees you as but it certainly isn't a partner.

SparkySharky

I don't think you DH did anything that bad. The particular time of going back to work and starting daycare is hugely stressful for so, so many reasons, including financial. He's worried about making ends meet and the possibility of necessarily making big life changes to be able to afford the baby. My DH and I went through the same thing - we both talked about the possibility of one of us having to find a new job making more money.

Anyhoo, we're only human. He's under stress (like you) and gets bad news. He shouldn't have reacted the way he did, but - again - we're only human. I would even give my DH an apology for making the decision before consulting him and call the mechanic to hold off until I could discuss with my DH. That he apologized to you is awesome. If he did it w/o prompting - even more awesome. The only way that you need counseling is if you want some help getting through a stressful time, but not b/c you two are abusing each other.

jgoetz1

Thanks so much for all of your support.  We did sit down again and talk about all of this.  I admitted that I should have discussed such a big expense with him before giving the mechanic the go ahead so he felt included in the decision.  He told me that I was a big contributor to our family and that without my work, we wouldn't be able to live where we do and have such good schools for our kids to attend.  So in the end, he apologized for not handling well the stress he's feeling about paying for 2 kids in daycare and that next time we will make big decisions together.