July 2013 Moms
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dh vent

This post is going to make dh sound like a jerk and he's really not. I promise he's a good husband and dad. Is just that he's totally clueless about what I do during the day and it's starting to make me resent him. For some reason dh seems to think that what I do while he's at work is very easy (like I'm lucky to me on summer vacation and not have to "work"), and that because I sometimes become frustrated on tough days I must need his advice on how to do things the "right" way. He's constantly telling me how to do things for dd that I obviously already know how to do. This weekend I had a college friend visiting and he had a lot of time during the day that he was solely responsible for dd. By Sunday evening he was so frustrated that he was snapping at everyone who he came in contact with. When I pointed out to him that maybe my job is tougher than he thought, his response was that "she's not usually this bad". No, dh, she's pretty much the same every day. I'm a terrible sleeper, so even when he gets up with the baby at night I always end up being awake for at least an hour after. I'm freaking exhausted. And yet tonight when I woke him up because it was his turn to feed her and she was crying, he asked if I could just do it "since I was already awake anyway". Seriously? I wasn't awake until she woke me up! He tries. He really does. He just had NO IDEA! I want to talk to him about it, but he will most certainly be offended if I criticize his parenting. I don't want to make him feel bad, I just want him to recognize that what I do all day isn't so easy, and that he could be more helpful by working with me instead of giving me advice. Sorry for complaining. I should me very thankful for having such a wonderful family, but I just needed to vent.
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Re: dh vent

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    It must be the season for the July daddies to collectively implant their heads up their asses, because I could have written almost the exact same thing. Last night, DH asked if he could go out for 1 beer with some friends. He'd be home at 10. LO started crying at 8, so at 930 I called him to make sure he was on his way out the door. Yeah, he showed up at 11 (he left for work at noon.) Then, he had the nerve to tell me today that it was "my turn" since he fed him the previous time. I said, "I get plenty of consecutive feedings. And I'm pretty sure I'll be on duty all night because he's getting his vaccinations today. This one's on you" and walked away. Then, he made me worry he was going to miss the doctors apt which I had explicitly told him I didn't want to go to alone. (He did make it on time.) DS has been fussy a lot lately and DH has a hard time calming him down. I know he's getting disheartened, but the solution to that is to spend MORE time with him, not less. He was SO involved in the beginning, and now it seems like he just wants to do the minimum. I know I need to be encouraging and not pissy, but it's hard.

    Even aside from all of that, take heart. I have read and heard time and time again that Dad's find their groove a little later than moms do. Best of luck!

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    I don't think talking to him necessarily constitutes criticizing his parenting.  It is just helping the two of you get on the same page.  My husband used to do a lot of those things.  I just started waking up in the middle of the night and in the morning with the baby without asking.  He is a heavy sleeper and by the time I get him awake to take care of the baby, I'm already up.  In exchange, he will stay up later with the baby and will take care of the kids while I nap on weekends.
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    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.
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    ashie624 said:

    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.

    Maybe it's just me and I'm not trying to criticize you...but I just assumed since I get to stay home that I do all the night feedings etc... since I can nap during the day and what not. I wouldn't wake my SO up in the middle of the night when I know he has to wake up at 5am for work.

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    Lelo2006Lelo2006 member
    edited August 2013
    Asbromle said:

    ashie624 said:

    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.

    Maybe it's just me and I'm not trying to criticize you...but I just assumed since I get to stay home that I do all the night feedings etc... since I can nap during the day and what not. I wouldn't wake my SO up in the middle of the night when I know he has to wake up at 5am for work.

    Yeah, I would be kind of resentful if I had to work & get up in the middle of the night. Dh is there to help if I really need him, but I'm sleeping in the guest room so he can get a full night of sleep. He's working to support our family and I'm working to raise our little guy (during the day). There's no question whose job is harder... He knows it. Mine is 24/7!
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    I'm sleeping in the guest room too. I do miss sleeping beside my fiance a little bit but I don't miss his frequent movements :)
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    Definitely talk about it. I held in my resentment at DH with DS1 and our relationship suffered significantly for it. This go round, I have been better at communicating and I feel our relationship is stronger. Just be sure to hear his side and understand he may not 'get' or know how to respond to some of what you say. I find DH has no idea how to respond to my frustrations over my lack of weight loss or difficulties with breastfeeding, for instance. Good luck!
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    ashie624ashie624 member
    edited August 2013
    Asbromle said:
    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.
    Maybe it's just me and I'm not trying to criticize you...but I just assumed since I get to stay home that I do all the night feedings etc... since I can nap during the day and what not. I wouldn't wake my SO up in the middle of the night when I know he has to wake up at 5am for work.
    Oh I know, I just didnt understand why he told me to wake him up to help and then the one time I did he got mad. Plus he works nights (til 3 am) so our schedules are quite goofy. Plus, I hadn't actually woken him up, he was already somewhat awake, he was more mad that I asked him if he was gonna get up. I usually am always the one getting up.
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    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.
    Maybe it's just me and I'm not trying to criticize you...but I just assumed since I get to stay home that I do all the night feedings etc... since I can nap during the day and what not. I wouldn't wake my SO up in the middle of the night when I know he has to wake up at 5am for work.
    Yeah, I would be kind of resentful if I had to work & get up in the middle of the night. Dh is there to help if I really need him, but I'm sleeping in the guest room so he can get a full night of sleep. He's working to support our family and I'm working to raise our little guy (during the day). There's no question whose job is harder... He knows it. Mine is 24/7!
    We dont have an extra bedroom where I can sleep, but there have been a few times where I slept on the couch so he could sleep. We do find ways to work it out. I totally get that hes working to support us and I appreciate all his hard work..he just confuses me when he tells me to ask for help but then gets mad if I ask at the wrong time. We're slowly learning how to parent together.
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    ashie624 said:



    Asbromle said:

    ashie624 said:

    This sounds like us. DH told me last week "why didn't you wake me to feed her?" So last night I did and he got mad because he was tired. And I realize he has sleep problems. Always has...but WHY would you tell me you'll help and then get mad when I ask for it. Im not a mind reader..how should I know how much sleep you've gotten. Plus he thinks being a stay at home mom is easy. I know he works really hard at work and is really tired when he gets home...but taking care of a baby all day is no piece of cake either.

    Maybe it's just me and I'm not trying to criticize you...but I just assumed since I get to stay home that I do all the night feedings etc... since I can nap during the day and what not. I wouldn't wake my SO up in the middle of the night when I know he has to wake up at 5am for work.

    Yeah, I would be kind of resentful if I had to work & get up in the middle of the night. Dh is there to help if I really need him, but I'm sleeping in the guest room so he can get a full night of sleep. He's working to support our family and I'm working to raise our little guy (during the day). There's no question whose job is harder... He knows it. Mine is 24/7!

    We dont have an extra bedroom where I can sleep, but there have been a few times where I slept on the couch so he could sleep. We do find ways to work it out. I totally get that hes working to support us and I appreciate all his hard work..he just confuses me when he tells me to ask for help but then gets mad if I ask at the wrong time. We're slowly learning how to parent together.


    Right. I wouldn't wake dh up unless he told me to. Don't tell me one thing and change your mind while we're sleeping!
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