Lonely vent

bumpuser7698452

I'm feeling down and totally disconnected from my husband. He works long days during the week and has sat and sun off, and I work 12 hour shifts tues and weds and have the other 5 days off where I'm with the baby. SO feels like he needs some alone time on the weekends since he works such long hours and I totally understand, and have no problems with him having "me" time. But I'm with E 5 days out of the week. He says that I can go do whatever I want on the weekends, but I don't want to do it alone. I want to hang out with him and E and go do something. But he seems to think that if I'm hanging out with them, then he could be out getting a project done or just out doing something he wants to do. I just feel so couped up! I feel chained to the house and baby.
I've been considering counseling for myself because its gotten to the point where like today when I'm alone, I'm actually questioning his fidelity. He's been gone since 9am (it's 2 now) and out of cell service. I guess I feel like counseling would be admitting defeat. When I take a step back and really look at the whole picture, there's no way he would ever be unfaithful. Maybe I'm just feeling lonely. We used to go camping every weekend or even just go to the lake and walk around for the day. But he never seems to want to do anything with me anymore.
I always hear that the first baby and first year is the hardest, but this just doesn't feel right.
Please tell me it gets better.

101Mims

(((((((((((((Big Hugs))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm guessing you don't have family or friends near by who you and baby can spend time with outside the house, maybe going for coffee, a walk just to get some fresh air and a change of scene?

I have no one to hang out with. I can't drive and not having a double buggy makes it nigh on impossible for me to leave the house. My DH works 12 hr days too so I'm home alone  every day with the children and I know how stifling that can be.

I don't know how you can approach your DH, but I think he really needs to accept that your lives have changed now that you have a baby. I think that the "Me Time" he is asking for has to take a back seat right now, even tho he is working long hours. You are a family, and he should spend time with you and the baby. 

I don't think it fair at all that he works and then feels-expects? to have time to himself to unwind and do his own thing. Or at least if he wants that time, he should be able to fit it around the baby. 

You work outside the home, and inside the home and you have no break at all. Indeed  you are not asking for a break, but rather time as a family. 

With the weekends I think you should take maybe just one day at first and designate it a family day where you all go out together. Maybe to the lake like you used to, or to the park etc... Maybe not even for a full day at the beginning, but just a little outing and see how it goes. Then maybe the second day  oif the weekend you can split the childcare say one does the morning shift thru to the afternoon so one of you could have a lie in, or whatever? and the the other does the afternoon and bed time so the other has some free time too?

Being successful parents really requires a shared approach and lots of communication. You know your DH the best and how to approach him, but momma  - you gotta put your foot down on this :-) You guys need to pull together.

Good luck!!

carriesu2003

Have you told him how you feel? What is his response?

kleigh926

carriesu2003 said:

Have you told him how you feel? What is his response?

This. If you haven't talked to him yet, it sounds like you two really need to have a serious, sit-down discussion. My experience is that guys can be pretty clueless about how things that they do or say make us feel.
I understand why you feel like counseling seems like admitting defeat. DH and I had a really rough period a few weeks ago and came to the conclusion that we should do some counseling. DH had brought it up months before, actually, but I fought it and said I wasn't going. It made me scared to admit that our marriage needed work that we couldn't accomplish on our own. But in reality, it just means that you are strong enough and want to work hard enough to fix things instead of giving up, and that takes guts!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Good luck!

jkuhmann

Counseling is not defeat.  I've been to counseling myself because DH wouldn't go, but it helped a lot.  Like PP said, it means you treasure your relationship and are willing to put in the work to make it succeed.  Everyone goes through hard times and it is not bad to ask for help! 

I would definitely let your DH know how you feel.  We each get a little bit of alone time every weekend (maybe an hour or two, sometimes more), but it is mostly family time.  Maybe it is time to find a sitter and have a date night?

bumpuser7698452

Wow you guys. Thank you *so* much. Really.
I talked to DH when he got home and laid out how I was feeling. He was also feeling under appreciated with how much he works and then comes home and takes the baby while I make dinner or vice versa and how I never thank him, where I say that that's just part of being a parent. So we're having a bit of a communication breakdown and both feeling like we deserve more kudos from the other.
We basically agreed to have a family day one day on the weekend, even if it's just going grocery shopping and split the other day between us for "me time" like you guys suggested. I do agree that it's time to find a sitter every once in a while. I don't think we've been alone together since we had E.
And as far as my trust issues go, that's sort of been an ongoing problem (nothing that my husband has done) that we've had many conversations about and just need to keep working on.
Thank you guys so so so much. Reading your responses made me feel so much better.

colinsfebmommy

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. Marriage is hard work and I'm finding with kids it's even harder. Both sides need to work and put in the effort. I can relate to you *hug*