5 year old extreme reaction/shuts down when corrected

rag133

My 5 year old daughter is a great kid overall, but for some reason HATES being corrected or shown how to do things.  If she makes a tiny mistake, she shuts down or freaks out.  We have NEVER told her is is not ok to make mistakes, we make sure to talk to her about it and how it is not a big deal to make some mistakes, everyone does it.  Nobody is mad, just fix it and move on.  No big deal.  

This has gotten a lot worse though lately, really starting to bother us.  Here are some examples:

Today we were painting a little toy car.  She wanted to do it, and was doing fine.  She was using way too much paint on the brush and it was dripping, so I just showed her how to wipe the brush on the side of the plate so there is less paint.  No big deal.  She drops the brush, crosses her arms, then turns away and shuts down.  We asked what was wrong, no response.  We said its fine, we just wanted to show you how to get less paint on the brush so it is easier and less messy.  No response.  She then goes and freaks out, crying and kicking on the floor.  No real reason for this reaction.

The other night she was putting puzzle pieces and legos in small cups and pretending they were food to serve.  She was doing fine.  She knocked over a small cup and some pieces got on the carpet, then she just shuts off again and starts kicking them.  I said just put them back into the cup, not a big deal at all.  It happens all the time, not a problem.  She just shuts off again and kicks the pieces around, then starts to cry.  Extreme reaction to a tiny little thing.

We play all the time, but she needs to have HER rules.  We play cars, puzzles, dolls, etc...  If I play with a car in my own way with her, she says "Thats not how the game goes..." and can just walk away and get silent.  I ask her what is wrong and she grunts at me.  I tell her that she cannot always play the way she wants, other kids and friends will want to play their way sometimes too.  I asked what he does if other kids want to play a different way, she says she walks away.  

I have no idea why she feels that EVERYTHING has to be her way and freaks out when any tiny thing goes wrong.  She is a VERY smart girl at 5 1/2 years old, very advanced.  We have never pushed her to be perfect and always tell her it is not a big deal to make mistakes.  Everyone does it.  This has gotten worse lately too, I really am on edge when I spend time with her.  One little move she does not like and the fun ends and she just shuts herself out to everyone and sulks to herself.  She has always wanted to do things her way, but the reaction has gotten much more extreme lately.

Also, she tends to this more when she is tired.  Maybe she just is so tired she cannot think properly and just cannot emotionally handle it.  I do not know.  Any thoughts on the situation?

Spin313

My son is five an definitely has his moments like this. I make it clear that no one gets to have their way all the time. When he gets huffy about something, I say "it sound like you are getting too upset by this. Do you need to take a break or are you all done?" If he goes into meltdown mode, I clean up and tell him we'll try again another time...then I walk away and ignore the cranky behavior.

rag133

@Auntie:  To answer a few questions, she does tend to run the games when she is at school or with friends.  She is the oldest in her class now at 5 1/2 as she starts kindergarten next month, so her friends just go along with her rules since she is also very creative and makes the games they like.  When they want to change the rules, she sometimes cannot handle it and walks away.  I discuss this with her a lot how she needs to do what they want sometimes too because nobody likes being told what to do all the time.  When she plays with older kids, she seems to be better with following their rules and listening to them though.

She definitely acts this way when she is tired too, and she hits her wall FAST at times.  She can be acting great, then all of a sudden she hits the wall and becomes cranky and whiny.  Like a switch was turned on, and the wall is just hit, then she pretty much is done for the night.  Just hard to anticipate sometimes when it will start.

When she shuts down, I try to talk to her, and she just grunts.  We take the game away and walk away, let her sulk and whine by herself, and she tends to fall asleep most of the time.  She cannot seem to handle being tired, and maybe this is causing her to be extra sensitive to anything that she perceives as being a mistake, which we make sure to tell her is nothing to worry about.

neverblushed

I suspect what you're seeing is a "perfect storm" situation.  It sounds like your DD tends to be a kid who has fairly rigid, black/white expectations of herself and the situations around her. She seems to have a pretty low frustration tolerance.  And age 5 is a time in a child's life when... kids tend to go through a stage of somewhat rigid, black/white thinking combined with low frustration tolerance.  

Both of my kids went through a phase of frustration around this age.  They knew how the drawing was supposed to look, or how the bike was supposed to be ridden, or how the syrup was supposed to pour out of the bottle onto the pancakes.  Although they wanted to do it themselves and COULD technically do it, the results were sometimes not what they expected. And they don't quite have enough control of their emotions at this age to avoid tears, mouthing off, physical acting out, or other negative behaviors. 

You've noticed that she seems to struggle most when she's tired.  I'd focus on making sure she's in bed at a decent time and gets a good breakfast that's high in protein.  If you're still dealing with any sleep disturbances in your DD, now's the time to get serious about working it out.  A 5 y/o should have a fairly predictable bedtime and wake up time, and be STTN 95% of the time or more.  

Even with good sleep, she'll still have her moments.  When she's upset and having a tantrum, try to walk a fine line between comforting and setting limits.  You don't want to scold her for having strong feelings, but at the same time, you don't want her to think that the answer to her problems is just to have a meltdown.  

If she freaks out, just say, "Whoah!  You're very upset.  Stop what you're doing.  Take 2 minutes to calm down.  When you feel calmer, let's try to figure out how to solve this problem.  But you can't hit/cry/freak out every time something doesn't seem right to you.  Let me know when you have your feelings under control."  Then ignore her until she pulls it together.  If you do this and she ramps up the tantrum, send her away until she can control herself.

Know that BIG changes are in store over the next 18 months.  At age 5, my son had some sort of crying jag every other day -- at least.  By the time he was almost 7, he was totally more mellow.  It takes a lot for him to burst into tears now at age 9.  So expect that she'll gain control over the next several months.