Opinions needed.

Supergirl2013

My MIL and SIL are throwing my baby shower and from what I've heard it's going to be pretty big with about 100 guests mostly all family from his side. I asked my sister could she atleast offer to help out because I feel since she is all the real family I have left from my mothers side. My sister is well off but gives "CHEAP" a whole new name. She says she will do what she can but that she has bills. I knew where she was going with that and told her I was sorry to bother and wont ask again. My in laws are also financially set but I just wanted someone from my side to contribute. Was I wrong to ask of her?

sabriel1

Yes, you were wrong to ask her - a shower is a gift so it is rude to ask someone to give you/help with a gift for you

Supergirl2013

osajia said:

So am I understanding this correctly: your MIL & SIL offered to throw you, and subsequently arranged a shower for you, and now you're asking your sister to assist financially, for a party that is going to consist predominantly of your DH's family?

I gotta say, I wouldn't be jumping to give you money either if I was her. Sorry...

she doesn't have to give money I wanted her to contribute to anything wether it was decorating or cooking something up because she loves to cook. When I spoke to her that is exactly what I said and her reply was i have bills to pay. My sister is the type of person she wants everything done for her but when anyone asks for a Favor in return its always an issue. She will always take but never give.

cammyisagirlsname

I could maybe understand if you suggested she call your ILs up and offered help them out with any planning ideas or something. But like PP says, a shower is a gift. You shouldn't ask anyone for it!

And sounds to me like your ILs don't need any financial help anyway.

Aycul18

I don't think there is anything wrong with asking your sister to help out, even if its just getting games together or something. I mean, she is your blood family, and if you have a good relationship with her, I don't see why it's an issue. Then again, I also feel like she should have offered as well.

ladameperdue

ya not quite sure I understand this one. You want your sister to contribute financially to a party she isn't throwing? Or were you asking her to contribute something in particular, which she understood to require $$? This would make me so uncomfortable - sorry.

Supergirl2013

jenniferbromley said:

I could maybe understand if you suggested she call your ILs up and offered help them out with any planning ideas or something. But like PP says, a shower is a gift. You shouldn't ask anyone for it!

And sounds to me like your ILs don't need any financial help anyway.

I never asked for the shower but I feel bad that they will be willing to go all out and it just doesn't seem right if she doesn't ask if they needed help.

Supergirl2013

CDalloway said:

ya not quite sure I understand this one. You want your sister to contribute financially to a party she isn't throwing? Or were you asking her to contribute something in particular, which she understood to require $$? This would make me so uncomfortable - sorry.

when I spoke to her I asked could she contribute to the shower by helping them out wether it be decorating the venue or just making her signature dishes which I would provide for her to do if it was an issue. She said she had bills, but I never once asked her to pay for anything just give a helping hand.

notkateanymore

It must be the karma...you shouldn't ask people to throw you parties. It's a gift that should be offered.

Supergirl2013

My sister automatically assumes I'm asking her to dish out hundreds of dollars when all I wanted was her time and effort. Just makes me feel bad that I do have some family and none has asked do they need any help in anything.

notkateanymore

Supergirl2013 said:

ya not quite sure I understand this one. You want your sister to contribute financially to a party she isn't throwing? Or were you asking her to contribute something in particular, which she understood to require $$? This would make me so uncomfortable - sorry.

when I spoke to her I asked could she contribute to the shower by helping them out wether it be decorating the venue or just making her signature dishes which I would provide for her to do if it was an issue. She said she had bills, but I never once asked her to pay for anything just give a helping hand.

Everybody in their right mind knows that asking somebody to give a "helping hand" at a shower means money.

ScarlettV

If sister wants to be involved, she will involve herself. Regardless if she is the wealthiest, most selfish person in the world, that doesn't make it ok to ask her to be involved.

Mil and sil knew what they were getting into when they offered to throw you the party, plus there are two of them. I wouldn't feel guilty sbout all they are doing, they offered. Leave sister out of it unless she shows interest.

Supergirl2013

Not necessarily. She knows they are also well off and don't need her help but it would be a nice gesture if she would ask considering she knows them very well.

notkateanymore

Doesn't look like it's a gesture she cares to make. I'd leave it alone and be happy with what you have.

Supergirl2013

ScarlettV said:

If sister wants to be involved, she will involve herself. Regardless if she is the wealthiest, most selfish person in the world, that doesn't make it ok to ask her to be involved.

Mil and sil knew what they were getting into when they offered to throw you the party, plus there are two of them. I wouldn't feel guilty sbout all they are doing, they offered. Leave sister out of it unless she shows interest.

Yeah she isn't showing any that's why I left it alone. I can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed.

BreeIsbell

It's too bad you felt like you needed to ask her... A family member like that on your side should at least offer something, anything. I have people offering left and right to even come over and clean toilets for my shower! (Mine will be at my house but it's being planned and put together completely by my mom and her best friend)

Sorry Dear, sounds like your IL's are great though so sit back and enjoy!!

mavgirl_73

You can't make people offer themselves or their time. It's been my experience that if people truly care to be involved they will find a way to do so. Whether she's your only family or not it's her gesture to make not yours to offer up in her stead. Drop it and focus in the positive of an awesome shower with your generous in laws.

ScarlettV

Supergirl2013 said:

ScarlettV said:

If sister wants to be involved, she will involve herself. Regardless if she is the wealthiest, most selfish person in the world, that doesn't make it ok to ask her to be involved.

Mil and sil knew what they were getting into when they offered to throw you the party, plus there are two of them. I wouldn't feel guilty sbout all they are doing, they offered. Leave sister out of it unless she shows interest.

Yeah she isn't showing any that's why I left it alone. I can't help but feel somewhat embarrassed.

You mean embarrassed that sis isn't offering to help them you mean? I wouldn't worry, I doubt they expect it, for as pps said, it sounds more like a DH side party anyway. Don't stress and just enjoy it

grannyweatherwax

My feeling is that if its your inlaws throwing a party and its going to be mostly DHs family, your sister has no need to help out. If it was your mom or your aunt or someone on her side throwing it, it would be more appropriate for your sis to help out if she wanted to. But there's no rule that she has to do any of that for you. It's also not really your place to ask in this situation. Your mil or sil could contact your family if they wanted. You shouldn't be involved in the planning of this.

Supergirl2013

superspecialsnowflake said:

Supergirl2013 said:

My sister automatically assumes I'm asking her to dish out hundreds of dollars

I wonder why she has that impression...
She feels that way about everyone in general.

Supergirl2013

tarashea721 said:

Supergirl2013 said:

superspecialsnowflake said:

Supergirl2013 said:

My sister automatically assumes I'm asking her to dish out hundreds of dollars

I wonder why she has that impression...

She feels that way about everyone in general.

I think it's insane you think she had any obligation to be involved when she didn't offer.


Absolutely not. That is my sister. When she got married all 3xs I always offered to help out and did.

mavgirl_73

But that's YOU offering. Clearly she's not gonna return the favor. She's not obligated to do anything anymore than you were.

Supergirl2013

ColeRose said:

Just because you helped out with her showers doesn't mean she has to help with yours. It sucks she doesn't want to be involved but you can't really ask someone to help with your shower if they didn't offer. I wouldn't bring it up to her again.

No I'm not planning on asking her again. When the time comes and I'm thanking all my guests, especially my inlaws I know she will feel some type of way and will say something about not even mentioning her. That's just how she is. My sister is funny that way and can be on the selfish side, but that's who she is.

Supergirl2013

tarashea721 said:

Supergirl2013 said:

tarashea721 said:

Supergirl2013 said:

superspecialsnowflake said:

Supergirl2013 said:

My sister automatically assumes I'm asking her to dish out hundreds of dollars

I wonder why she has that impression...

She feels that way about everyone in general.

I think it's insane you think she had any obligation to be involved when she didn't offer.

Absolutely not. That is my sister. When she got married all 3xs I always offered to help out and did.

Please read what you wrote. YOU offered. The end.



I know what I said. I will always offer if I am able to help my sister out. She just isn't as generous as I am.

Supergirl2013

Cashingn2 said:

This sounds like something my sister would say and she wouldn't mention how she asks our older sister and I for handouts all the time. Im wondering if you ask your sister for things often

I don't ask for anything it's just how she is.

peitri

This thread makes my brain hurt. Or maybe it's the chocolate milkshake I'm drinking.

I agree with PP that you shouldn't have asked. Maybe your sister is cheap, I don't know, but if she wanted to help out, she could have contacted your IL's on her own. Helping out doesn't necessarily mean spending money - she could arrive early the day of and helped set up, or stayed after to help clean up.

Since you really wanted your sis to be a part of it, it might have been a better idea to contact your IL and asked them if they didn't mind calling your sister and inviting her to be a part of throwing the shower. Just a thought.

esf60

Supergirl2013 said:

jenniferbromley said:

I could maybe understand if you suggested she call your ILs up and offered help them out with any planning ideas or something. But like PP says, a shower is a gift. You shouldn't ask anyone for it!

And sounds to me like your ILs don't need any financial help anyway.

I never asked for the shower but I feel bad that they will be willing to go all out and it just doesn't seem right if she doesn't ask if they needed help.

Seems like you knew what her answer would be before you asked her. Based on your description of her, I'm surprised you're surprised/upset by her response.

I also echo others in saying that you never, ever ask anyone to help with or throw you a shower, even immediate family. It's rude and it makes people feel like you think you're entitled. You could have had your mom ask her if she's interested in cooking something for it, that might have been ok, but it's probably too late now.

sporklemotion

I understand where you're coming from, because my husband's family is way more excited/involved than mine, and if I were to have a shower (which probably won't happen), it would be my SIL/MIL all the way. My sister just isn't that tuned in to this stuff and I don't think it would occur to her to offer to help (it was that way at my wedding, at least). That said, I would never ask her to help throw a party in my honor. It's hard when one side of the family is more involved than the other, but you can't really help the hand you're dealt. I am grateful for the support of my ILs, even though I wish I had more support from my family (they are not unsupportive, we are just not close).

KFED103

I'm not 100% positive, but isn't this your second baby anyways? I don't want to go round and round about 2nd showers, but if you've already had one and you are inviting 100 people to this one....geez...be happy with anything and anyone who is willing to help out. 

And who are you to say how your sister spends her money even if you think she is "well off".  Even if she is, she might have other financial commitments that you don't know about and are none of your business. 

esf60

@KFED103, always so wise.

zou bisou

Supergirl2013 said:

Just because you helped out with her showers doesn't mean she has to help with yours. It sucks she doesn't want to be involved but you can't really ask someone to help with your shower if they didn't offer. I wouldn't bring it up to her again.

No I'm not planning on asking her again. When the time comes and I'm thanking all my guests, especially my inlaws I know she will feel some type of way and will say something about not even mentioning her. That's just how she is. My sister is funny that way and can be on the selfish side, but that's who she is.

So you're crafting a special way (and a public way) to call out your sister for turning you down? 

Look, I'm as lax about shower rules as they come, but that's terrible.  Forget all the shower etiquette for a minute and  prioritize what's truly important - being kind and decent, especially at a gathering where as the guest of honor you have everything to be thankful for.

bty19

I get what you are saying....

If my sister in law was throwing me a baby shower - i would want my sister to offer to help out as well.... Send out invites, decorate, set up, make appies........
I think it would be weird for my sister to attend my shower - without helping out - if my SIl and MIL did everything.

I know if the roles were reversed, I would want to be apart of the planning for my sister!

Supergirl2013

KFED103 said:

I'm not 100% positive, but isn't this your second baby anyways? I don't want to go round and round about 2nd showers, but if you've already had one and you are inviting 100 people to this one....geez...be happy with anything and anyone who is willing to help out. 

And who are you to say how your sister spends her money even if you think she is "well off".  Even if she is, she might have other financial commitments that you don't know about and are none of your business. 

No this is not my 2nd baby and why would that matter? No one asked her to spend anything. When I spoke to her I said could u help out with the decorating and stuff like that. As for my sisters expenses I know what she has and does not but that is not why I asked her to help out. She's my sister I would think she would want to regardless. I know my sister and know my sister and how she thinks. If our mom was still alive she wouldn't hesitate for a second and it would be the both of them throwing it or getting involved with my inlaws.

KFED103

Supergirl2013 said:

I'm not 100% positive, but isn't this your second baby anyways? I don't want to go round and round about 2nd showers, but if you've already had one and you are inviting 100 people to this one....geez...be happy with anything and anyone who is willing to help out. 

And who are you to say how your sister spends her money even if you think she is "well off".  Even if she is, she might have other financial commitments that you don't know about and are none of your business. 

No this is not my 2nd baby and why would that matter? No one asked her to spend anything. When I spoke to her I said could u help out with the decorating and stuff like that. As for my sisters expenses I know what she has and does not but that is not why I asked her to help out. She's my sister I would think she would want to regardless. I know my sister and know my sister and how she thinks. If our mom was still alive she wouldn't hesitate for a second and it would be the both of them throwing it or getting involved with my inlaws.

My mistake about it being your second kid. You were the one who brought up her money situation and called her "well off" but CHEAP. One would assume spending money would be involved

Supergirl2013

osajia said:

OP, you asked for people's opinions. You've gotten them and from what I can see, in response you're not doing much more than arguing and defending what you already did. Obviously none of us know you, your sister, your ILs or how any of the germane conversations have gone. We can only give our opinions based on what you've said.

Doesn't really seem to me you are as interested in our opinions as you are in justifying your own.

I appreciate everyone's opinion lets not get it twisted and turn it into something else.

notkateanymore

Supergirl2013 said:

OP, you asked for people's opinions. You've gotten them and from what I can see, in response you're not doing much more than arguing and defending what you already did. Obviously none of us know you, your sister, your ILs or how any of the germane conversations have gone. We can only give our opinions based on what you've said. Doesn't really seem to me you are as interested in our opinions as you are in justifying your own.

I appreciate everyone's opinion lets not get it twisted and turn it into something else.

Must be karma...isn't that a bitch.

Supergirl2013

KateMW said:

Supergirl2013 said:

osajia said:

OP, you asked for people's opinions. You've gotten them and from what I can see, in response you're not doing much more than arguing and defending what you already did. Obviously none of us know you, your sister, your ILs or how any of the germane conversations have gone. We can only give our opinions based on what you've said.

Doesn't really seem to me you are as interested in our opinions as you are in justifying your own.

I appreciate everyone's opinion lets not get it twisted and turn it into something else.

Must be karma...isn't that a bitch. um only thing here being a bitch isn't karma.

KelseyKetchum

I actually don't think you did anything wrong. When my sister wanted to start planning my shower I assumed I would be paying for most of it. He wants to pay at least half and is getting our dad to help out. I think wanting your family present at your baby shower and having her contribute ideas or just being a part of the process isn't so bad. Maybe she misunderstood your intentions but she doesn't sound like she wants to be any help.

Fizzy8

Popcorn anyone? X_X

notkateanymore

Oh I was being a bitch. It's OK if she calls me one, but I hope she realizes that people haven't forgotten the way she acted when she first came on the board. 

KelseyKetchum

KFED103 said:

I'm not 100% positive, but isn't this your second baby anyways? I don't want to go round and round about 2nd showers, but if you've already had one and you are inviting 100 people to this one....geez...be happy with anything and anyone who is willing to help out. 

And who are you to say how your sister spends her money even if you think she is "well off".  Even if she is, she might have other financial commitments that you don't know about and are none of your business. 

Clearly I didn't read back far enough. This is your second baby?!?!? Uhh I thought you don't get a second baby shower? You are lucky anyone wants to throw you a shower. Nuff said.