How did you know?

Flamingo86

I have lurked and posted here a couple of times but haven't posted in quite a while.

I'm sure this question has been asked many times before, so please forgive me for asking it again.

For those of you who struggled with IF, how did you "know" it was time to put treatment behind you and pursue adoption? My husband and I are at a crossroads right now. We've had 3 losses and are sick of doctors and tests. We are very nervous about TTC knowing full well that it could result in a loss or at the least a scary, high-risk pregnancy.

We've discussed adoption a lot and have done quite a bit of research. We even started putting money aside with adoption in mind. We are just having trouble deciding "for sure" if/when to we want go this route.

spencerlynne

It sounds cheesy but we "just knew". Literally, I looked at my husband this month and said, "I'm ready to stop trying. I'm ready to go get out baby." He came to me the next day and said, "I'm ready too." And we haven't looked back.

I'm so sorry for your losses. We lost a baby to a late ectopic pregnancy in February and we started trying last July too (knowing that me getting pregnant again was going to be difficult).

You can always take some baby steps and if you feel it isn't the right time, take time off. It's good to research, interview and feel solid about the route of adoption you want to pursue (domestic, international, foster, infant, open, closed...) and there isn't a huge commitment in the early stages. Maybe that will give you some more answers and solidify your decision one way or another.

Dr.Loretta

I'm sorry for your losses

It was a long-ish, slow process, and I was ready before DH.

He had always told me it was up to me how far to pursue IF treatments. For a variety of reasons, I wasn't going to go very far (IUI and IVF weren't in the cards for me), and I'd actually gotten pg (and m/c'd) twice with no medical intervention. I started telling DH we needed to set a timeline where we'd start focusing more on adoption and less on IF treatment.

That date was somewhat flexible, but at a certain point I was ready. The thought of the RE was giving me anxiety attacks. Those acupuncture treatments stopped working. And I just wanted to be a mom, and realized I didn't have to have a baby come out of me to make that happened. I stared doing some basic reading about adoption. I was excited, DH felt I was pressuring him. We agreed to a 6-month period where we'd do some research together and on our own, but wouldn't pull the trigger until we were both comfortable.

At that point we felt pretty well-versed in the basics. And DH had actually contacted a couple of agencies and had them walk him through the homestudy process. That was his biggest fear, how invasive that would be. Once it was laid out for him, he felt much more comfortable about it and we could jump in.

Flamingo86

That date was somewhat flexible, but at a certain point I was ready. The thought of the RE was giving me anxiety attacks. Those acupuncture treatments stopped working. And I just wanted to be a mom, and realized I didn't have to have a baby come out of me to make that happened. I stared doing some basic reading about adoption. I was excited, DH felt I was pressuring him. We agreed to a 6-month period where we'd do some research together and on our own, but wouldn't pull the trigger until we were both comfortable.

This is exactly how I feel. Both my RE and OB office give me panic attacks. I'm freaking out just about going to my routine pap smear next week with my gyno b/c the office has so many bad memories for me.

Thank you for your kind response.

Flamingo86

I'm sorry for your losses

It was a long-ish, slow process, and I was ready before DH.

He had always told me it was up to me how far to pursue IF treatments. For a variety of reasons, I wasn't going to go very far (IUI and IVF weren't in the cards for me), and I'd actually gotten pg (and m/c'd) twice with no medical intervention. I started telling DH we needed to set a timeline where we'd start focusing more on adoption and less on IF treatment.

That date was somewhat flexible, but at a certain point I was ready. The thought of the RE was giving me anxiety attacks. Those acupuncture treatments stopped working. And I just wanted to be a mom, and realized I didn't have to have a baby come out of me to make that happened. I stared doing some basic reading about adoption. I was excited, DH felt I was pressuring him. We agreed to a 6-month period where we'd do some research together and on our own, but wouldn't pull the trigger until we were both comfortable.

At that point we felt pretty well-versed in the basics. And DH had actually contacted a couple of agencies and had them walk him through the homestudy process. That was his biggest fear, how invasive that would be. Once it was laid out for him, he felt much more comfortable about it and we could jump in.

Flamingo86

Oops, sorry for the dup post and using the quote block wrong. Still figuring out the new format.

Dr.Loretta

no worries!

NickiChick

Lurker stepping out of the shadows. I just asked this question a few months back, but now I'm on the other side. 

We TTC since Jan 12'. I made it though 3 iui's and never saw a BFP. I never thought we'd do IVF but I thought I just couldn't give up, so we met with the RE. I felt better and was told I should be "optimistic." I'm only 28 and we are unexplained IF. We did all the testing for the pre IVF prep. 

The day I was going to order my IVF meds, I logged onto Facebook and a friend had just posted photos of her two new sons. It turns out that they were adopting from Haiti and didn't tell anyone. I was so moved I began to rethink my decision. I used to think that adoption was settling for less than my dream. It took about another month of research and reading adoption blogs for me to completely commit to adoption. 

I'm so happy to say that I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER! I truly feel that God is blessing us with adoption. It is a beautiful thing and I can't wait to get started. We are planning to begin visiting agencies this month and make a decision by next month. 

I know that it will be a long road. There will some pain involved, but I have let go of the idea of being pregnant. That was big for me. 

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.   

kva11isho

Hello and welcome.  I'm so sorry for your losses, but you're in the right place to start thinking about adoption.

We started TTC in July 2011, did the whole "try for a year, then call us" thing.  Visited my OBGYN for initial infertility consultation and blood work (very basic, but came back normal) in September 2012.  We told her we were concerned about the cost of testing and infertility treatment and insurance not covering it, so she suggested that DH start with a SA with a urologist.  She had no concerns about me from my regular check ups over the past few years.  Urologist did some blood work on DH and a SA, which came back extremely low sperm count, motility and morphology.  Blood work showed low testosterone, so he ordered more blood work.  Second blood work showed everything normal.  At this point we had already been charged $3000 and didn't know anything except that SA was not normal.  We asked the urologist what his suggestion would be and he said, we could try ICSI but he doubted that would even work.  He didn't suggest drugs or surgery or give us any next steps.  We felt so slighted.  We had discussed the possibility of needing treatment and kind of had our minds made up that it wasn't for us already.  My sister and her husband were going through their second failed IUI (also male infertility) at the time plus I had just started a new job and knew I wouldn't be able to take any time off for treatment, so with everything combined I basically slammed the door on the whole thing. 

Once I got over my initial feelings of hurt and anger, I did start looking at any paid time off I could get from work if necessary.  Basically, I had to be employed there for a year before I could do anything.  While researching I did see a link for adoption assistance.  There were some other links to pages to help research adoption - I think adoptivefamilies.com, theadoptionguide.com and one other one.  I spent the rest of the day reading and learning about adoption, and I felt a light go on somewhere in my heart.  I asked my husband that night what he thought about starting our family through adoption, and he was unsure but started on his own research. 

During our research period, I read "Called to Adoption" by Mardie Caldwell and "Adoption: Choosing It. Living It. Loving It." by Dr. Ray Guarendi.  I shared bits and pieces of what I was reading with DH.  Eventually he was comfortable looking into it further.  We attended an information session with a local agency as well as our county's children's services.  We also had several conference calls/skype meetings with a couple of national agencies, and decided it was something we wanted to do!

Our home study was approved in January, and we've had our profile shown 10 times that we know of know.  We've been told that the average wait is 6 - 24 months and an average of 15 times your profile is shown.  I have days where I am very excited about our adoption and can't wait for our match and I have days where I'm not sure I can go through with it.  I'm very impatient. 

We did visit a RE a couple of months ago, and he gave us a much more positive outlook.  He did more in depth blood work on me as well as a saline ultrasound.  Everything looked great. He also suggested the idea of donor sperm.  We still aren't sure that any sort of treatment is for us, so we haven't moved forward with anything there.  If we were to be matched any time soon we would absolutely be thrilled to move forward with adoption - I think we've looked into treatment again because we had questions that were never answered the first time and because we feel like it's a way for us to make some sort of progress. 

I know I rambled, but I hope there is something helpful in here for you!  Good luck!

JoaPata

We TTC for four years (since 2009).  Did some fertility treatments but never IVF.  I had a terrible time with hearing that the cycles did not work and felt that each month I was mourning over something I would never have.  I did not want to live my life anymore around my cycle and prayed a ton.  DH and I started looking in to adoption and as we are going through the process it just feels right for us.  It is like it all clicked together and I realized that the plan for us was to be wonderful parents to a child that needs a home.  I know that sounds cheezy.  Once decided it felt like a huge weight was lifted and I could focus on life and not loss and move on from my grief.  I wish you luck through your journey.  It is so hard I know but at some point you will know what is right.

sgb721

For us it came down to not knowing what was happenign with our pregnancies. It was suggested we try donor sperm, donor egg, or both but the doctors couldn't give us any indication which choice was best without knowing what was going on. We did so much testing and saw so many doctors. My husband was ready months before I was. I just woke up one morning and knew it was time to move on. I was tired emotionally, physically, and I realized that what I wanted most was to be a mom. Even when I was little when asked what I wanted to be, I always said a mommy. So yea... thats prob. not as helpful as you were looking for.

Try going to some info sessions with local agencies and reading some books to get acquainted with the process (whether its International, Foster, or DIA).

Best Wishes!

sarahtoledo

It was gradual for us.  We really didn't even care much about having bio kids, it just seemed easier to TTC at first.  When it (slowly) became awful, I was pissed off and wanted to "beat" infertility.  I finally realized it didn't matter how hard I tried or how much I endured, it was not a fight I wanted to continue.  We started the adoption process before I was fully ready to give up, but now it feels SO GOOD to be done.  So good and so right.  

MH was on board about adoption way before I was and hated what I went through with treatments and m/cs.  

nksmith17

I was more open to adoption than my DH at first. I knew it would be hard for me to conceive based on what doctors had told me and what I was experiencing with my PCOS and very irregular periods. On top of all of that I am on medication for bipolar disorder and I wanted to TTC without being on meds. I did it for quite a while, but it was too much for me. I was put on low dosages of meds for a little while longer TTC, but decided to go back on all of my meds full dosages and gave up on TTC. We weren't able to conceive in all of that time. For a while we thought maybe having kids just wasn't in the cards for us, but then we started looking into adoption more. The more my DH read the more on board he was with it. 

fajita814

Hi Flamingo!

DH & I just knew. We knew before the IF diagnosis & treatment that we wanted to adopt, even with our own bio kids.  When we met I was working in the foster care system as a caseworker.  DH has a few relatives who were adopted into the family and a few other relatives that were raised in foster care, so he knew both sides of it.  Adopting was something that came up on our first date, as something we both hoped to do in the future.

At times I still wonder if we are doing the right thing (we are foster to adopt) but we have some friends who were successful recently and got a 2 day old baby.  By the time the child was 9 months old they had legally adopted him.  I know our story won't go as smoothly (it already hasn't), but it gives me hope.

mtendere

We have a biological daughter conceived without intervention after a year of TTC. We didn't realize what a miracle she was until we tried for #2. After surgery and a couple rounds of treatment just short of IUI we came to accept that our DOR mean that it was very unlikely we would be able to conceive my biological child. So it was a pretty clear (though still very emotional) decision.

Then, after much research, we decided that maybe adoption wasn't for us either, so now we are in the early stages of becoming foster parents. Not at all the path I thought we'd be on, so I'm really glad we took the time between treatment and next steps to really think and pray and work through what direction to head next. I did have to hear from DH that he was open to adoption before stopping treatment, though. I was not ready to say we would not add a child to our family at all.

aligross

Welcome! I'm really sorry about your loss and the struggles of infertility! 

For us, adoption has always been a "when" not a "what do you think of..." We tried for about 6 months to get pregnant but due to a previous medical condition that the husband had dealt with we always knew there was a great chance that he would be infertile, so the docs watched us closely and told us to give it 6 months before we started seeking outside advice. My body was perfectly fine to get pregnant and carry a pregnancy from what my OBGYN could tell... So we were sent to a urologist. After 3 SAs we knew that the hubs was sterile. No swimmers were found. We were given the option of doing a $10,000 procedure (testicular biopsy + treatments) to see if they could find enough swimmers for us to do ONE round of IVF. Right there we knew we weren't willing to take those chances. 

From the beginning we have always wanted to be parents. Realizing that we can parent children from adoption was the easiest decision and thoughts we could have had! It really came down to what our hearts were telling us. The hubs was on board right away. I don't think there is a perfect time for everyone. It really boils down to what you as a couple determine together! 

Flamingo86

Thank you all so much for your kind responses! I am very encouraged by what I am reading here.