Single Parents

Single Mom By Choice

So...maybe I'm amidst the wrong board, but I'm not sure where else The Bump would hide the other SMBC's!  I decided YEARS ago to be a single mom (I actually hate the identifier "single" - I'm just a mom, not better or worse than any other mom) and am FINALLY pregnant (8w4d and LOVIN' every minute of it!).  I've got a really awesome, amazing, wonderful support group of family and friends and caretakers, but I still know that the decisions I make and the way I'll parent will be affected by the fact that, at the end of the day, it's just me.  Thought I'd put it out there and see if there any other SMBC who wanted to share their experiences so far.  Muah!
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Re: Single Mom By Choice

  • I was just casually dating the BD when I got pregnant. It wasnt ever much of a question whether I'd be a family with him. I'm generally happy on my own (with my pets).

    I'm 36 and in this place where I know I'll be fine no matter what happens. So I'm looking forward to being a single mom!
  • I suppose I count as a single mom by choice, since I chose to separate myself from the biodad at 19 weeks. He hasn't made any attempt to have contact with or be in DS's life, and instead seems to be making a serious effort to duck child support. The lack of involvement doesn't bother me since he's a useless low-life and doesn't really give a crap about anything but himself and what he wants. Leaving him was the best decision I made since I met him.
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  • I'm sort of a SMBC, like PP said, because I knew BD and I were not going to work out, so I pretty much planned from the beginning to do this on my own. There are pros and cons to any type of family and being a single parent has many challenges, but also some unique benefits. Parenting is parenting. Raising a child is a crazy, scary, and wonderful adventure- whether you're single, married, dating, or whatever.

     All parents struggle sometimes and feel overwhelmed, so even when it's hard I don't wish I was married. I try not to dwell on feeling lonely or disappointed about my situation, because my son and I are very happy and I do the best I can for him everyday.

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  • I've seen a few other people post about being SMBC on here. I was actually considering using a donor in the next few years before I got pregnant by surprise.

    Congrats on your little bean! And congrats on not having to deal with BD drama:-)

  • I'm happy to hear that you have so much support and are happy with your decision. I didn't plan on getting pregnant but I knew from the beginning that I was going to have to do this on my own. I'm just going to do the best I can do and not worry about anyone else.
    Liliana Seraphina born 9/5/2103


  • I'm also a SMBC through IUI with donor sperm. I'm 18w2d and really excited! Everyone in my family is supportive but my sister haha I could write a whole book on her reaction!! I also have a lot of other supportive family and friends so I'm confident with them helping me if/when I need it!
    Good luck to everyone!!
  • I became a single mom by choice. ( I do now have a partner, however. ) If you don't find many women in similar circumstances on this board, I know there is a Single by Choice website and also a lot of single moms who hang out on the Resolve boards.  (As many of them used reproductive technology to become single moms.:) )
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  • I'm kind of in this category. Delaying the enevitable bc I'm scared but of what idk to leave bd but he's not happy about the baby and we've grown into two very different people so I'm choosing to leave him and I already feel like a single mother even partly w him bc he's so unenthusiastic about baby...
  • Well, I hadn't planned on my pregnancy.  When it happened I knew I would be on my own, that my sweet DD would be the reason him and I would split.  I'm so thankful that it happened. And she is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  Though planning it first would have been easier XD 
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  • well im pregnant by my ex bf who has since moved in with his current. he and i were basically fooling around and i decided that at 31 yrs old with a career and no other kids, i would be a mother with or without him. my family/friends all support me but i struggle everyday knowing i will be the sole provider for this baby. but i'm thankful that at least i'm established and will have a strong support system behind me.
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  • I am currently at a crossroads of sorts in wanting to make this decison for myself to use a donor and do it on my own.

    I know in my heart of hearts I need to be a mother to make my life complete and have left my husband for my own mental and physical health, he was cheating on my repeatedly and I didn't see an end to that, also why I held off on becoming pregnant I didn't feel it would be right to bring a child into a situation i was unsure about and be a single married mother or end up being a single mother in a nasty custody battle where we hate each other, that the choice to have a child at that point would have been a selfish one.

    but now I am on my own I have always made my own money and been able to suport myself, those options are out there for us these days.

    this isn't a decision I would be making lightly, I would love to get some advice from those of you who made the decision, how you came to it, and all that. thanks!
  • I am a single mom by choice.  My daughter was born in March of 2013.  I had IUI with donor sperm.  I am so glad that I made the choice to be a mom.  I also have the support of my family and friends.  
  • I am a single mom by choice. My daughter was born in Feb of 2010 and I am expecting my second in May of 2014.  I had an IUI with donor sperm for each of mine. Glad to see others out there who have done the same.  I also have a very supportive group of family and friends...I don't know how I could do it without them.
  • I'm sorry you feel that way.  However, there are a lot of positive, supportive messages, there is a lot of encouragement for others in a tough spot.  Either you choose not to look at the posts that way or you're not looking at the right ones.  And we're not centralized on legal issues, but those with questions ask because others here have already been through the legal system or are going through it as well.  As for domestic drama, there is just some shit that is best left off facebook but still some outlet is needed.  I hope this clarifies this board for you.  You will find negetivity and drama on EVERY BOARD on this website.  Good luck finding one that is exclusively fluffy bunnies, unicorn farts, and rainbows.
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  • @roxalot I was just hoping for more baby/pregnancy-related single mother issues, rather than, as I mentioned, baby daddy issues, etc. I understand venting, but that's all this board seems to be about.  Not a lot of variety, I guess is my point.
  • There are a lot of baby/pregnancy related issues, but people (including BD's) come here for issues of all kinds.  It's more complicated because our situations are all complicated in their own way.  So, more often than not, there will be venting and issues about BD's (and BM's).  Recently, yes, its mostly legal issues and vents and complaining, but maybe start a thread of your own with a question regarding a baby/pregnancy issue.  I'm sure some mommas would answer, but you can't expect to come on this board and troll around and say there is "no variety" because you don't see it.  
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  • I was married for a good long while, too. And definitely know leaving was very much the right choice. I always wanted to have kiddos and absolutely didn't want to rush into another relationship just for that reason. I waited a little while after my divorce to really feel settled in myself again and to make sure I was ready for such a big change and responsibility. Then, I started out by being an egg donor. It was great way to learn about IVF and IUI and get to help another family in the process. I had intended to use the money earned from the donation to finance my own IUI, but by the time I was ready to go, my insurance started covering fertility treatments. I also really lucked on on the sperm donor end: I'd found an anonymous donor, but then a friend offered to be donor. I love that I get to know all kinds of health, personality, and character information about my donor! It's been SUCH an amazing experience so far. I don't miss having a SO at all. This is just such delightful fun!
  • VanessaBeeVanessaBee member
    edited November 2013
    @roxalot I totally admit it, I'm annoyingly full of fluffy bunnies, unicorn farts, and rainbows! I just can't help myself!! But I appreciate that that largely comes from my circumstances being different than a lot of the mommies here. I tried FOREVER to get pregnant and I don't have the added complications of an unplanned pregnancy and a wacky SO or the accompanying legal issues. But I also get that sometimes it's a little tricky to find posts that aren't on the unhappy side of things here. I don't think it's that we're unsympathetic though, just looking for a few other threads.
  • I am a single mom to be by choice! I'm in the process of domestic adoption and baby girl is due the first week of December. It's nice to meet other moms who have decided to start families on their own!
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  • Ohh!! That is SO exciting!! Congratulations on your baby girl!! I thought quite a lot about adopting and am still not sure I won't go that way next.
  • HAha @VanessaBee  There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being full of fluffy bunnies and unicorn farts! I am generally that way IRL because of how my situation worked out.  I didn't plan this baby, in fact, pre-DD, I was very anti-baby.  I was the most anti-baby person anyone could have ever met.  And when I told people I was pregnant, until I started showing, they all thought I was pulling an elaborate prank (didn't show until about 5 or 6 mo along)!  And while the pregnancy wasn't expected, my life turned out for the better.  I would've left BD before she was born or maybe while still in the hospital after giving birth because he's not the fatherly type and our family is perfect the way it is without him involved.

    Good luck on getting a family started! Children really are the blessing that people always told me about (that I never believed until I had a child of my own).
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  • Thanks @VanessaBee and I will share in your unicorn farts and fluffiness lol! I'd spent a lot of time going between IVF and adoption, and just kinda decided on a whim that I would give adoption a shot first. It's been a blessing in disguise, and I can't wait til LO gets here :)
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  • I was wondering what is the cost for both adoption and IVF for those of you that have gone through the process. I'm single and planning on being a single mom by choice. Although one can never be fully prepared, I'm trying to plan as much as possible as to what my options are and realistically what I can expect. I'm 28 and would like to be start planning sooner than later.
  • @samijogen it's a crazy wide range of costs. When I started looking at IUI, the financial counselor told me to count on a range of $5k-$10k from start to pregnant. IUI is less medically intense than IVF and all signs pointed to me having no issues with getting pregnant within just a cycle or two. Wellllll...it wasn't quite that simple! Fortunately, around the time I started really getting into it, my insurance started covering IUI and IVF. I don't spend a lot of time ogling the benefits statements, but I'd guess I'm around $25k at this point - with nearly 100% of that being covered. My IVF clinic had financing options and even some "scholarships." My peek at adoption was fairly surface-level so @TonyaAU will know WAY MORE than I do, but my estimates (including flights, in country stays, etc, because I was looking at foreign adoption) were right around the same: $15k - $20k.

    At some point I remember thinking: okay! I'm just going to accept that I'm essentially paying for college now and when LO goes to college, we'll just be the masters of finding grants and scholarships! ...and I'll really, really badass it at my career so that I can keep moving us forward!
  • I looked into international adoption before doing domestic. The major shift in decision for me was by the time I factored in travel to and staying at a foreign place twice, I would be paying about the same. My current adoption will end up being around $28k and I'm using a personal loan to finance it. I'm in Kentucky and they have a lot of rules about how you can go about adoption which sucks because I was looking into adopting a minority child and most agencies have programs at half of what I'm paying. There are also a lot of agencies with "sliding scale" fees that charge based on your income. Like @VanessaBee said sooner or later you come to terms with the amount and say screw it, this is what I want!
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  • I have only posted here a few times as well because I am also a single-mom by choice. Many of the things that are worked out on this board simply are not relatable to me. However, everyone here seems really supportive. If there are more SMBC hanging out here, I will probably hang out more as well.

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • You don't need a separate form for being a single mother by choice--I am sorry if you don't like the terminology-but that is the reality of it. You are right, you wont be any different than the rest of the single mothers as you will experience the same exact issues. It sounds like you are starting in just like any other single parent--at the end of the day you do it alone. The reality of it is you chose to do it alone, unlike many here who didn't want that. I was a single parent for fourteen years and had family support and friends, but at the end of they day they aren't going to raise your kids. It is hard work and nobody in the real world will recognize the fact you did this by choice, it doesn't matter at all.....at the end of the day you are a single parent. Welcome aboard! I am glad to hear you have family and friends and congrats on your bundle of joy--being a parent is an amazing opportunity for everyone!

  • SMBC here as well.  Decided to leave the BD at 6W (pregnancy wasn't really a surprise to me, I've always wanted a child). We were together 7 months before the BFP.  I was going to give him a chance if he could prove he wasn't just a selfish piece of trash like he had been acting just before I got the BFP.  (Was planning on leaving him before the BFP because of the way he was acting but said "Hey, I'll give you a shot and if you want to ruin it then you can go away."

    All he did was prove that he wanted what HE wanted and not what I wanted.  It was all about sex for him but I needed romance.  That obviously wasn't going to happen with a man-child like that.  He can get his rocks off by himself now =]

    I've never been one to enjoy relationships anyway.  I just can't settle.
  • VanessaBeeVanessaBee member
    edited December 2013
    @TonyaAU Was thinking about you and the early December due date - I hope you're officially a momma, that everything went brilliantly and that you're enjoying Baby! Can't wait for a little update! :D
  • I have only posted here a few times as well because I am also a single-mom by choice. Many of the things that are worked out on this board simply are not relatable to me. However, everyone here seems really supportive. If there are more SMBC hanging out here, I will probably hang out more as well.

    Agreed - there are some really lovely girls here, but most of the threads don't apply to my situation.

    When are you due? I'm March 17...which means I'm officially under the 100 day mark. Now it's real! Ha!
  • I am actually not pregnant at all. I already have two boys aged 5 and 7. Congrats on your little one!

    Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.

  • I guess I fall into this category. This last week I asked my Bf to leave. I am 31 weeks pregnant and high risk and unable to work but yet was expected to financially support the household. (I have 4 children from previous marriage) He works but only makes enough for his personal bills. Before he moved in with me, he was living with his mother and she was paying for most daily things. (should have realized then). To make things worse, he was unwilling to get a second job or try for anything better. He wants to continue to live the life of a single man with his mom (or me) supporting him and not like a man with a family to support. Its heartbreaking because he just left, no dispute or anything just packed his stuff and left. He texted me 4 days later asking how "his boy" was doing. Which bothered me, because we had named our son and he had never referred to him as, and he has yet to buy one thing for getting ready for him. Luckily my family is helping me so we don't end up homeless. And I have some really good friends that will step in when I am in the hospital and after to help with the kids ect.  Im scared but concentrating on the kids and taking it one day at a time. And the next few weeks we will find out how much he plans on being involved. I have very mixed feelings on if he should be in the delivery room. but I guess how the next few weeks goes will determine that. Its a shame too since when he left he told me that I was using him and to have a nice life. He just doesn't see it and since he is moving back in with his mom to baby him he probably wont grow up any time soon.

    thanks for letting me vent

  • Congrats, @TonyaAU! That is so exciting!



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  • Thank you! The sleepless nights this week have definitely been worth it :)
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  • @tracy=14  I'm not sure your situation is the same as the others on this thread :) however, feel free to start a new thread introducing yourself or even PM me. :)  
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  • I had intended to be a SMBC until I met BD two years ago.
    Thing is, he doesn't want kids.
    I found at last week that I'm pregnant.  Now deciding if I still want to be a SMBC.  Chance he may still come around, but I don't want to give up this baby.
  • you have it lucky then. my babys father is a dead beat lowlife. that cheated on me while i was pregnant and living with him and is using social networking and messages between us out of context to make me look like the bad one. i know his personality and know that he truly doesnt want to help me take care of the baby once it is born but wants everyone else to see him as something he isnt. and will do whatever he can to take the baby from me. having to deal with this at 19 when im still completely in love with him doesnt help much either. im not looking forward to the custody battles in july.
  • Jragena said:
    I had intended to be a SMBC until I met BD two years ago.
    Thing is, he doesn't want kids.
    I found at last week that I'm pregnant.  Now deciding if I still want to be a SMBC.  Chance he may still come around, but I don't want to give up this baby.
    Do not get pushed into something you don't want to do. 
    This would tear your relationship apart, regardless. 
    Do what feels right to you, even if you're scared. 
    Life is full of fear. If you run from it, you will never get a chance to live. 
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