NCDR: Can't handle this sh!t

YellowLily2013

I feel horrible saying this... but i'm completely overwhelmed and don't even want to deal with my baby. I'm frustrated because he was a surprise and I keep remembering that right now. I wasn't ready to be a mom! I have definitely gone through bouts of happiness with him and every few days for the past week or so.. I just want to break down and run away.

I love the fact that I fought to keep breastfeeding and that it is going well. He can latch, he's gaining, and I'm even able to pump extra to start to store up some milk for when I go back to work or have someone else watch him. I am fortunate. But at times I don't want to feed him, I don't want him on me, and I'm too tired to soothe him. I'm letting dad take over everything tonight and taking some benadryl in hopes of a good nights sleep.

On top of not knowing how my prenatal care payment will work with the birthing center and the hospital since we had to change. and it sucks because the birthing center was out of network and the hospital was in network and they are separate deductible costs! Plus our air conditioner just went out, so it's about 4k to get a new one! on top of the childcare costs. and in a few weeks i'll be back at work and my DH will be working full time and in school full time. So life is just going to get worse i'm sure of it. F it all!

Okay.. Thats for letting me rant. I really hope this is just sleep deprivation and frustration and not ppd. I have more good days than bad, but when they are bad, they are real bad. (I've never not taken care of my kid fyi... it's just well frustrating to at times.)

Aurora_Borealis

Being a new mom is frustrating even without any other issues you may have going on in your life! It's totally okay to feel how you're feeling. Having a newborn is hard. Breastfeeding is hard.

There were several days post-partum where I wanted to escape and never come back. It took a long time for me to feel normal again. What helped was taking things one day (or hour!) at a time. And asking for very specific help from friends and family when I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a friend come over to watch DD so I could sleep.

Let dad take care of the baby tonight and get some sleep! It gets better.

kanga1622Wed220857

Just FYI, Benedryl can cause some women to have a supply dip. It can cause more then just your sinuses to dry up.

Good luck with getting a break. I think we all get pushed to our limit with tiny ones that can't talk. Unfortunately when you are nursing that makes it more difficult to catch a break.

kjsmith9

You are definitely not alone in this.  When DD was born, we lived 1000 mi away from all family members.  DH is a teacher, so he only took a week off of work (but luckily she was born a few weeks before Christmas break, so I got some extra time from him then). 

The first few weeks sucked.  That's all.  I felt like I never took more than a 1 hour nap (and I am NOT a good tired person).  Every day when DH went to work (for the first month or so) I would sit on the couch and hold her and cry for 10 minutes.  I told myself that was okay, and after 10 minutes would get up and get on with the day.  He also coaches high school sports, so right when I went back to work, he was gone every night until after she went to bed.  I felt like a single mom, and I was frustrated 75% of the time.  Every day I knew we were one day closer to the end of the sport season, though.

Now we're about to start new jobs, and DH will be coaching again, which means another few months of feeling like a single parent.  I'm not happy, but we need the extra income because the city we moved to has a higher cost of living than where we were before.  I'll also most likely work 1-2 weekends a month for extra cash.  We really want to be able to live without extra debt ("extra" meaning not student loans... I think we'll be paying those forever).  So we're going to make do.

Hang in there mama - breastfeeding gets SO MUCH EASIER after 6-8 weeks.  You're almost there, and he won't be on you 24/7!!

unaveragejane

You are so not alone in this boat!!! I hated the newborn days, and I hated myself for not being in love with being a mom. It really does get a TON easier! For me, it got easier around 6 or 9 weeks when we got his reflux diagnosed. (Before that, he and I cried all.the.time.) He started sleeping longer when we got the reflux under control. Then around 3 months, his personality started coming out, and that made it easier. Then at 6 months he started STTN (like all night, not just 5 hour stretches), so that was a fantastic relief! There are definite peaks and valleys, but you really will eventually be excited to hang out with your kiddo. My advice is to not feel guilty about letting your DH take care of the LO while you take care of you. My nether regions recovered from giving birth a WHOLE lot faster than my hormones, emotions, and brain did. It took me a long time to understand that. I thought my life was over, that I was a terrible mom, and that I didn't love my baby enough. It turned out that life does get back to normal...it may be a new normal, but it is still nice. (DH and I have alone time again, I can enjoy going on outings with DS, and I even get to have interests that don't revolve around DS again!) I had to learn to ask for specific help and not feel bad about it. When DS was 3 weeks old and I thought I was going to lose my mind, I asked my mom to come back and help again. She stayed with us for 2 weeks, and it was like a lifeline. I wasn't alone all day with the baby. She helped me get some extra sleep. Oh man, that helped! Anyway, hang in there! If there is anything that you need, send me a PM. I am a SAHM, and lately I bump way more than is good for me. lol

haileyq

Wow this is all VERY good insight, I wish I had read this when DS was a newborn. He's only 5 months old right now, but YES, it gets better! My son was quite fussy for weeks 3-8, but I swear after that 6 week growth spurt settled down it was like I had a new baby. Way to go to you for voicing what every mom feels! It is so hard especially if you don't have a stellar support system. Our family lives 5 hours away, but I had one friend in her 40s that was just amazing, she would text regularly and just check in on us to see how things were, she listened, she brought food, and every now and then she'd get us out of the house for a walk. I hope you have someone in your life that can do those things for you, because for me it made all the difference. That, and The Happiest Baby on the Block. I'm sure it's not for everyone, but I just checked the book out from the library when DS was like 3 weeks old and it changed everything. It helped me figure him out. He was still a whiney newborn, but I understood him better and it gave me tools for how to deal with him.

TJ1979

Huge hugs hon.  I hope you were able to get some sleep last night and that things are looking a little better this morning.
The way you are feeling is totally normal.  Having a newborn is SO hard.  Breastfeeding is SO hard.  Honestly, breastfeeding itself is a full time job.  And one that you don't get to clock out, go on breaks, or take vacation.  It can definitely be overwhelming.  LO and I cried all.the.time for the first 6 weeks.  But I promise you, it does get better.  Once your sweet baby smiles at you, and starts interacting, and isn't attached to you 24/7, you will feel better.  What helped me was just remembering that it gets better. 
If you start feeling like your feelings aren't normal, if you want to hurt yourself or your baby, it's okay to ask for help.  Call your doctor.  There is no shame in ppd, and it can happen to anyone. 
Also, know that a little bit of crying won't hurt your baby.  If you are at your wits end and alone with your LO, it is okay to put the baby down in a safe place (like a crib or strapped into a swing) and go take a shower, or just go to the other room and cry for 10 minutes.  It is better to leave baby alone for a few minutes and recollect yourself, than to keep pushing yourself and get angry at your baby. 
I'm available via PM too if you need anything.  I don't SAH, but I'm on here way too much at work.  Sending you lots of hugs, and just remember that it gets better soon.  You can do this, and you are a great mom.

zaraceligon

You are not alone,we all experience exacly the same,it's perfectly normal to have all this kind of new emotion, just hang in there and if continuing more that two months with the same feling you should talk to your doctor,it can be a ppd. But don't worry to much,it will pass,it's just until your body recovery,and balance all the hormones that you lost. Any way,here is my own experience.when my LO borne,I couldn't stay in the hospital more that two days,because of my husband, he went to work right away. I didn't have any body how can help me or say a list good job. My DH parents they just came to see my LO and then live. All my family is in my country.so I'm totally alone here,I was feling like killing my self, a was with a lot of negative taught and a was feling so guilty for not been a super mom.until I started meditating and trying to understand everything,that was happening to me. Then I decide not to care for any shores or cooking any dinner or do any laundry.i just decide to be one with LO.so most of the time I was sleeping with my LO next to my,I just wake up to feed him or change him then when back to sleep. I also read in some book that take some sun will help you to recovery,so everyday a was sitting in the balcony,and I also read that having your LO close to you body will help both to be bond fast,and as much you breast feed your LO it will help you to control your emotion and it will help to the baby too.the first week was hell but after a week a was felling more positive,and for every little thing that a was accomplished I pricemy self,that way I will feel more confident about everything. Just keep a journal or just post the way you fell it will help you a lot,good luck

runningyogimama

Just want to reiterate that you are not alone! I actually gave up on BFing because I couldn't handle pumping to try to get my supply up when I just wanted to be sleeping, so good for you for sticking with that! BFing is definitely the hardest thing I have ever done.

No one tells you how hard it will be to have a NB, and that no matter how awesome and supportive dad is, it's going to be hard and exhausting. Hope you got some sleep, momma!

We have all been through this and are here to listen if you need to vent or need support!!!

Danie007

As everybody has said it really does get easier. Also, it is ok to let your LO cry too. When I couldn't handle DS and I didn't have help I made sure he was changed and fed, but when I was at my whits end trying to console him I put him in his crib (someplace safe) and gave myself 5-10 minutes to calm down. Usually, he ended up playing with his toes and smiling at me when I came back.

sarenu1

I was the same why. Newborns are hard to take care of. They don't really do much and it's all very confusing. Especially when you see all those staged pictures of beautiful
Moms and happy newborns. Believe me, I never looked like that.

There are a few things I've learned, ask for help and get away for a bit. Be specific about the help part, whether its watching the baby so you can take a nap, doing laundry, making food, etc. You don't need to be super mom. Also, get away for an hour or two and do something you like. Get a cup of coffee, a manicure or pedicure, get your hair cut. Whatever will help you relax and give you a break.

YellowLily2013

Thanks ladies! It's really great to hear i'm not alone and that these are normal feelings to have. I was able to get a good nights rest and even woke up to pump so I'm not losing any with a supply. 

I'm looking forward to him getting a little more independent... and like all things I'm sure I'll miss this time when is passes.

Thanks again everyone for the kind words!

BrideMay2005

I'm about to be an STM, and I think it's normal to feel overwhelmed at times. I don't think anything can really prepare someone for what having a child is like.

I think if you are having a lot of bad days you should contact your medical provider. It may be the baby blues or PPD. There are so many hormonal changes we go through after birth.

I can tell you that as my DS gets older, my love for him just continues to grow. And in some respects things get easier. Just take one day at a time and know that all the phases pass so quickly.