Today was one of the hardest thing was arrange for Elizabeth memorial. It will be this Saturday. We were asked if we wanted to see her coffin, we couldn't do it. All we know it will be baby pink on the outside & white inside. Just sitting there with the funeral director was so hard. I kept saying that it should be the other way around, they should be burying us when were old of age not us to them. She had a life to live & dreams to follow. I have lost count on how many times I have broken down in tears in public today. I usually hate crying in public since I don't want people to feel sorry for me. We picked up her little resting dress she will be wearing, it was at a local children's boutique in town, just walking in & seeing all those smiling expecting mothers with their daughters shopping made me feel numb. I felt a mixture of anger yet sadness. We just picked up Elizabeth's dress & bought a similar dress for her big sister Victoria to wear for the funeral because I always told DH I will dress up the girls alike. We ask for friends & family to wear something pink because we what this to be a celebration of Elizabeth existence, I want everyone to call her by her name. I don't want people to say "I am sorry for the loss of your baby", please say " I am sorry for the loss of Elizabeth". Hearing her name feels comfort to my soul because she is being remembered by name.
My MIL has taken care of my LO today again to give my husband & I time together to grieve, even though we will grieve for a very long time. We have cried together.hug, asked why & just want answers. We will take it a day at a time, we are definitely ready to see our LO, she needs her mommy & daddy, Victoria is only 19 months old. Every time we think about what's to come Saturday it just brings us down to our knees again. My heart says I am not ready to say goodbye but in my soul I feel like she's already happy in heaven with her grandpa & great great grandma. I have turned to faith for healing & I had dreams of her, she love purple just like her big sister.
I am still in disbelief I gave birth to her yesterday, it feels like a dream, it hasn't yet register other than she's an angel now. I try to play all the events in my head to remember it did happen. My eyes are so dry when I think I can't cry I always find tears to shed. Just holding her blanket brings so much comfort & having my husband always by my side I know I am not walking this journey alone. Day 1 has come & gone, we will continue our healing journey as a family.