Meeting the girlfriend. How do you do it?

+just+j+

Just talking out loud here. This is annoying to me on several levels, so bear with me. 

XH wants me to meet his girlfriend.

I've read the stories here. I could so easily be the b*tch ex wife who refuses to meet the girlfriend. Or, I could be the b*tch ex wife who does meet the girlfriend and I'm exactly that...the b*tch ex-wife.

XH wants me to meet her.  I asked, "When are you moving in with her?"  He paused and said, "It's going that way. It's only a matter of time."  He tells me how she really wants him to move in with her. Which I highly doubt - I'm sure he's working her. That's not my business, I know,  except it's bothersome because I know what will happen.  He'll move in. He'll fall into his old ways. She'll see what he's really like. She'll kick him to the curb. She may be the first since me, but she won't be the last that's in and out of DD's life.  Which is where a lot of my b*tchiness is coming from.

I feel sorry for her but I also totally understand her. I was there once too. It's just so hard watching it happen all over again. 

I'm not good at slapping a smile on and pretending and playing all nicey-nice and right now I just have no respect for her, even tho I made the exact same stupid mistakes.  

So my question is this (Especially for you who deal with women in and out of your children's lives) how do you do it?  What did you do to prepare to meet the next woman? 

I am struggling with this because it bugs the hell out of me that XH has found someone else to do what he should be doing. It's becoming clear that she's doing a lot for XH.  She will handle all his business, just like I did. XH wouldn't be with anyone who pushed it back on him.  I know I can't control that, but it just bothers me. XH should be parenting DD. Not another girlfriend. DD does not need another mom. She needs a father.   So I'm annoyed this woman doesn't have a back bone and I'm annoyed that XH is yet again using another woman to live off of.

So talk some sense to me. I'm putting it off, but I think it's inevitable.  I need to start getting my head around it because I do NOT want to be the b*tchy ex-wife when I finally do. 

khetzel

Honest opinion, I'm of the school of thought of striving for civility for the kids sake, even if its faking a smile. It's only for a few minutes right? And it sounds like your ex doesn't make great choices - or lets the woman in his life make them so he can hang back and be lazy? - but that's his life and you can't control what he does, or what the girlfriend does. Like you said she'll learn her lesson. So again I say fake it even if you don't think you can. My DH's BM is a whack job and can't handle civility for the sake of SD and SD knows it and anyone can tell you she is scared to tell her mom things about her life at dads house bc mom can't fake a smile for her kids sake ever. Don't be the btchy exwife. Be the classy fabulous exwife who is not even phased by this latest victim of your ex!

new+tothis

I'd make sure it can be a short visit and just fake it. Smile, be polite, get a feel for her. At least you'll get to meet her and know who is around your DD. It sucks that she's probably not going to be around very long but there's nothing you can really do about it. I would love to meet BDs GF since I know she's around DS but he hasn't offered and I think asking him would just make him angry. From what I've heard from DS (who is 3 so take it with a grain of salt) she's nice and he likes her. She has definitely mellowed BD out.

Wahoo

It seems like your problem really isn't with HER, so there is no reason to be anything but nice to her. Yes, she represents everything that is wrong with xh, but she could be a perfectly nice person. For all you know she may be the one providing structure and good choices to your DDs life when your ex has her. Remember, you were once in her shoes! If you are nasty, she'll think "no wonder the marriage didn't work out...what a beotch!" But if you seem perfectly nice and normal she'll realize sooner that maybe your ex was the problem. And if you are still that angry at ex that it impacts how you treat others - - therapy.

Mrs.H.

Be polite and friendly.  Remember this woman will be around your children. You want her to have a good opinion of you because it could reflect on how she treats them.

Be the bigger person.

fellesferie

Maybe aim for a business attitude and be polite/civil but cool (though not chilly). I don't think you have to be friendly--your aim is not friendship. Unless you end up liking her and want to be friends.

MommyEllenSue

I'm on the other side, I was the gf being met by BM. Just be polite you don't have to be fake or over the top friendly. Just shake her hand and introduce yourself by name and say it's nice to meet you, I guess i'll be seeing you soon. Short and polite. I had the opposite introduction. BM came over to the car where I was sitting (letting her and now DH do their thing with the kids) and said "I'm their Mom and don't ever forgot it". It was not a good impression.

4luvof2boys

All what PP said.  I would add that if you dropped DD off at daycare you would treat the care provider with respect and friendliness.  I would look at the new girlfriend that way.  She is the daycare provider who is caring for your DD and the other child known as ExH.

Hopeforthebest

You have an opportunity here to establish some of the story at least. No doubt EXh has painted you as the evil EXwife.

I like felles idea of keeping it business like polite/civil but I wouldn't be cold at all. My thought is perhaps old school. You get more flies with honey. I think her guard may come down if you are some what easy going/friendly. Therefore giving you the opportunity to see a real picture of who you are kid is going to be around. Also it gives you the upper hand because she won't be put off and not want to be around you in the future therefore exposing you to more info. with additional face to face moments.

Does that make sense? You can ALWAYS turn on bitch mode if and when necessary, but I am of the opinion that I'd want to gather as much info as possible. For example...do her parents live in the area, does she have kids, does she have sisters and brothers with kids (all to find out who your kid is going to be around potentially).

Lavender P

I was going to write the exact same thing about getting flies with honey. In my case DH and BM have about as bad a relationship as you can imagine. She has tried to get him fired, falsely accused him of beating her and molesting SS, etc. i could've gone my whole life never having to meet her. However, after we had become more serious and talked about moving in, I knew I would have to take the first step because she wouldn't. I went with DH to pick up and he introduced me. We were both polite and civil and I think it set the tone for my relationship with her. She is still awful to DH and cusses/screams at him. However, she has never been anything but civil towards me and I think that is great for SS to see. I will never be her friend and I will never like her. However, whether this woman will be your XH's future wife or just another girlfriend, she is still going to be around your DD and will be an influence in her life. If you meet her on good terms she will see you as human as opposed to the moster your XH probably made you out to be.

+just+j+

Okay, this is exactly what I needed.  Thank you.

I had to hear it.  I'm just not ready to meet her to be honest, so I'm putting it off as long as I can. 

I find it ridiculous that he's so serious about someone so soon when just last night he wishes our marriage would have worked and he still feels sometimes like he's cheating on me.  So it's just hard to take this relationship seriously.  So I know she's the rebound chick, but you are all right - that's not her fault and not reason for me to be a b*tch. And I don't want to be.

Thanks for helping me get my head around it. I totally see what you all are saying. 

Thanks for the support.

SimpleJane

+just+j+ said:

Okay, this is exactly what I needed.  Thank you.

I had to hear it.  I'm just not ready to meet her to be honest, so I'm putting it off as long as I can. 

I find it ridiculous that he's so serious about someone so soon when just last night he wishes our marriage would have worked and he still feels sometimes like he's cheating on me.  So it's just hard to take this relationship seriously.  So I know she's the rebound chick, but you are all right - that's not her fault and not reason for me to be a b*tch. And I don't want to be.

Thanks for helping me get my head around it. I totally see what you all are saying. 

Thanks for the support.

Ya know J, you don't have to meet her until you are ready. If you aren't comfortable yet and want to wait until it is clearly a serious relationship that has lasted a while, then go ahead and wait. I don't blame you for not wanting to meet her if you think she is just going to be one of many.

KendraL86

I was once the new girlfriend meeting the ex-wife. It was an absolutely horrid experience for me because she was so horribly mean to me. She called me bad names. She told me I wasn't "allowed to speak." She would roll her eyes at me when I saw her at the kids events (in the presence of the kids, too). She also said untrue and hurtful things about me to my now step children. I now realize that it was a power play on her part. She was angry and hasn't moved on from the marriage and was upset that he had. She was bitter and hurt and worried.

I am now the new wife. For a long time I resented her children because the children treated me horribly as a result of her saying bad things about me (she told my SD 14 that her father and I had an affair and that's why they got a divorce when I didn't even know my husband when they were married!). She not only hurt me, but also her own kids. And it took longer for us, as a step family, to bond as a result. The kids felt in limbo and unsettled. They didn't feel like they could tell her they liked spending time with us.

Ex wife is now dating someone and, miraculously, she is nice to me. She says nice things about me to the kids (i suspect bc she wants them to like her boyfriend). She wants us to meet her boyfriend, wants us to give our blessing for him to move in, etc. We readily do because we want things to be good for the kids. And the kids seem to like him, thats all we care about. We slap on a smile, shake hands, say encouraging things, and leave it alone.

Your ex husbands new girlfriend won't be the new mom. She may one day be a step mom, and will have an important role, but you are the mother. That bond can't be broken. Your role will not be taken over.

My advice, being someone who was the new girlfriend once upon a time, suck it up, smile, make pleasant talk, and don't dwell on it. I promise that your place will never be usurped. You're always going to be mom. . I hope everything works out wonderfully for you!

Blakesmom12

As a former GF, now SM who wasn't even given the chance to meet BM, I'd do all I could to be civil and carry on. BM and I have since spoken (it's been three years) but its icy and SD is 9 and tells us things her mom says. If I'd have had the chance to make a first impression, I think things could be better. I've tried to improve on it but to no avail.

DaringMiss

My $.02:

You are edgy about meeting her because you realize that she is you five years ago.  

She is stepping in, enabling his ridiculous ineptitude and probably going to leave him/kick him out in a bit when she clues in to his absolute failure.  Part of you wishes you could warn her away.  Part of you hopes she is as competent as you were so that your daughter will have a stabilizing influence when she is with her father.

+just+j+

DaringMiss said:

My $.02:

You are edgy about meeting her because you realize that she is you five years ago.  

She is stepping in, enabling his ridiculous ineptitude and probably going to leave him/kick him out in a bit when she clues in to his absolute failure.  Part of you wishes you could warn her away.  Part of you hopes she is as competent as you were so that your daughter will have a stabilizing influence when she is with her father.

EXACTLY.  Thank you for putting it so succinctly. (Sp?)

I'm going to wait until after I move - which is a whole month away and by then I should be ready.  I have too much more important things on my plate. I know she's good to DD and DD likes her so I'm going to just trust for now.

I know XH is already using her like he used me.  And like he will use the future women in his life.  I have to focus on me.  Not worry too much about them.  And just be a good mom and person so DD has stability and someone solid and respectable to look up to. 

sarahmuoio521

Coming from the "new girlfriend" we always get a bad rap. My husband's EW chose to divorce him...so seven years later it should be no problem when we gets his first serious girlfriend. We actually waited a full year before he even told the kids he had a girlfriend. We were living together and I would go back to my condo when he had the kids over. I respected his decision because he wanted to make sure he found the right one when he brought a girl around his kids. To me...that was chivalrous. 

Honestly, I would never be the type who says anything about and EW especially if she is a BM. I am all for civility and getting along...especially for the kids sake! I come from a blended family with a mother who was always a saint when it came to getting along. I see the positive effect that little drama has on childrens' lives and relationships. No child deserves to be thrown into a bunch of drama. 

Anyways. Before my husband was even ready for me to meet the EW she bum rushed out car one night. So there I was...stuck in my seat with her standing over me like a charging lion. She hated me in the beginning. I finally sent her a long email explaining that I only want the best for her children. I am not here to take her place I simply serve as an extra set of hands to help out when needed and an extra support for her children. After that, we were civil. We would even sit together and chat when I went to pick up the kids from her house when my husband couldn't get there on time. 

When she met her new husband, things changed again. I guess it might have been around when we got married as well. She got increasingly nasty to both my husband and myself. I never opened my mouth and said a word because believe me I do not like drama. I have to say that the more she treats me like shit, the harder it is to bite my tongue. But again, for the sake of the children, I would never open my mouth. First of all, it would just cause more problems. Secondly, it's not my place. She may be nasty, rude, and rotten, but I respect the fact that she is the mother of my two step children. 

Bottom line...she was separated and divorced from my husband for seven years. Him and I have been together for six and married for three. Things have definitely gotten harder instead of easier like one would assume. But the bottom line is...you chose to get a divorce I didn't steal your guy. And for someone who doesn't "have" to be good to your kids and goes above and beyond, a little more respect would go a long way. Finally, you had children with this guy and were married to him at one point. Not just because he is my husband, he is an amazing father. Get over your need to bash him and get one up. For the sake of your kids, get along with the man and let him do what he is good at-being a good father. Even if that means sometimes u have to take a back seat-do what's best for your kids. And the "new girlfriend" may end up being your childrens' step mother who treats them well. Unless she is the reason your marriage failed, there's no need to be rude. That just shows jealousy and immaturity. 

sarahmuoio521

+just+j+

I've come a long way since the original post. I don't hate her. I don't even know her. She pretty much makes my life dealing with XH easier.

I will probably meet her in the next couple of months. While I'm not eager too, I now feel like I can control the issues I have with XH using her. Because that's where a lot of my angst comes from.  I know what he's doing, and I know she was just like me - a fool in love with a very charming man.  I can almost guarantee she will have the same issues that I had, and his other exes had. I can see the pattern already.   I want to tell her to run, but I can't. 

I'm giving it more time and when I can slap a smile on my face and behave myself...I'll meet her and I'll be very nice and continue to be so.

Your DH's ex sounds very angry and hates life in general. I feel sorry for her, and I'm sorry you have that to deal with.