A year later and it still haunts me....

mamatotwins0812

Or I should probably say has just started haunting me. I haven't been on the preemie board in quite some time but have been having feelings that I think only other preemie moms can relate to. I'd say within the past 3 months or so, basically leading up to the boys' 1st bday, I've started having a lot of feelings of anxiety/grief/sadness over our whole journey. We had an extremely tough road TTC, involving infertility treatments and a miscarriage. Once pregnant I went into ptl at 21 weeks, was put on bed rest, had an emergency cerclage and found out that twin b had velamentous cord insertion, causing so much anxiety and stress. My water broke at 33w1d and was hospitalized for 3 days until they arrived at 33.4 and this in and if itself was a wild, crazy ride with bleeding complications etc. Long story short, like millions of other moms, we had a long, hard, tiring journey. And while I thank God every single day for getting me through it without half the complications as many others, I still can't help but to feel such a sense of sadness looking back at it. I was in the store today and saw preemie outfits and just stared at it, remembering how my babies came home in those tiny outfits,2 weeks after being born, and they literally swam on them. As we were going through everything i was a rock, nothing got to me, I just did what I had to do. Now that I think about it, as proud as I am of myself for being that way, I think not allowing myself to really conceptualize the magnitude of our journey really has left me feeling even more saddened now. I think that going through anything traumatic will leave a person scarred, I guess I'm just surprised that I'm feeling this way NOW and not all along. Sorry if I'm rambling and not making sense, and thanks for listening. Wishing everyone who is going through this journey right now nothing but strength and courage! It's a long road, but with many happy endings!

DrRx

((((hugs)))) Anniversaries can be hard and you can go through a lot of different emotions.  I know that I did.  I think, also, that once you are out of it (ie, being in the NICU) and you look back, you wonder how the hell you were able to get through it all. 

Brummy14

We have a very similar story to yours -- IF, etc. While we never suffered a loss (I can't even imagine carrying that grief on top of all of the anxiety that comes with this -- so my heart goes out to you), I'm approaching the girls' first birthday with excitement and trepidation. I'm dreading going into another flu season (albeit the last one we need to be hyper vigilant, I would hope). I'm going to struggle as we pass every holiday -- even annual things we missed out on as early as September, because, I too, was put on BR early. All of the big holidays in the hospital -- it's going to be tough. But, at the same time, I see that first birthday as a victory of sorts. Like, we defeated the odds. We're not out the woods yet, and have a lot of work to get where we need to be -- both in terms of staying healthy and PT for DD2's low muscle tone -- but out outcome could have looked very different. We were so blessed that it didn't.

Pips09

The first anniversary was the worst for me, too. I still get pangs of sadness remembering that time, but they are much less frequent. And approaching her second birthday was only happiness!

PhillyGal34

E's first birthday was really emotional for me too. Even planning his birthday party. I wanted to be excited (and I was) but I was also sad and kept thinking back.  One thing that someone told me, and I am glad I listened, was to be alone with DH and E at the time of his birth.  We had that moment to ourselves. 

I hope it gets easier for you and I hear each year gets easier... I think that will be true but only time will tell. 

HUGS

mamatotwins0812

Thanks for the support ladies. It's always reassuring to know you're not alone, or silly for feeling these types of things. There is literally no one I can talk to about it (other than here) who can understand what it feels like. DH is the closest, but even still, it's not the same. I appreciate the kind words and encouragement.

PhillyGal34

I have an extremely supportive and understanding dh but he didn't get it. To him we were celebrating our miracle and how far we came. And he looked at it as getting to meet his son early. Of course it was scary for him at the time but he tends to look at the positive. To me it was a reminder of the loss of my third trimester and guilt. He listened to me but I don't think he will ever really get it.

MTipler22

I completely understand.  My twins 2nd birthday is next week already and I STILL have those uneasy feelings.  I am thrilled it's their birthday but yet somewhere in my heart and mind, I ache because I remember what we went through 2 years ago.  My twins were born unexpectedly 3 months early and we still do not know the cause of my labor.  We had a long and rough road in the NICU and I was just like you... was so strong through it all and did what I had to do to get by.  I had the worst problems dealing with their premature birth months AFTER they were home safe and sound with us.  As their birthday month came, I had a complete panic attack, anxiety and I was so emotional.  I was so happy that my twins were healthy and happy and turning the big 1 but yet I was heartbroken thinking back on the journey we had to get there and how I wished they didn't have to struggle like they did.

 

As I mentioned earlier, their 2nd birthday is already next week and I have noticed that my anxiety levels are going up.  I am getting emotional and having flashbacks of our NICU time in my dreams.  I am a lot better than last year but it is still a difficult time for me.  

SquishyMine

I'm in the same boat...it's been a few months since the girls' first birthday, and it hit me hard.  I'm working with EMDR with my therapist, and trying to start a support group in my area.  What did you guys do to get through it?  

I have put off anxiety/depression meds for now because not being on hormonal BC and the EMDR seem to be helping.  What was people's experience with any therapy techniques and/or meds?  Support groups?  What about St John's Wort?

MTipler22

In my case, after my twins were born prematurely, I was immediately put on a low dose anti-depressant because I was having a hard time functioning.  It didn't help me at all so I weaned off per doctor's orders.  Throughout their NICU time, I decided that I didn't need any meds and went UP and DOWN emotionally through the whole 3 months we were there.  After the twins were discharged, I had a really hard time dealing with anxiety.  I was always afraid something was going to happen and that they'd be rushed back to the NICU.  I decided after this to try a new kind of anti-depressant which yet again, did not help after a full month of using it.  I weaned off that and tried a 3rd kind... Cymbalta (I also struggle with chronic lower back pain so I thought this med was gonna be the perfect one, boy was I wrong).  Was on that for a month... didn't help.  As I weaned off of that, I had the WORST withdrawal of it.  I was crying, dizzy, shaking and seriously physically and mentally sick for a full week.  I have never been that sick in my life.  I couldn't take care of my kids while my DH was at work and my mother had to come and help me for days. I highly do NOT recommend using Cymbalta... EVER.  I know it helps some people but what it did to me was insane and I still shutter when I think of that week. 

 

After my failure with anti-depressants, I decided it was time to talk it out to my close family members and friends how I was feeling.  I let it ALL out.  How I still felt so sad thinking about our NICU time, sick to my stomach about all the kids had to go through, and how I was still avoiding things that I reminded me of the NICU days such as... certain foods, books, movies, a certain color that my hair was dyed at the time, pictures, facebook, clothes... anything that related at all to our NICU stay.  If I saw anything from that time, it felt like someone punched me in my gut.  I am feeling a little better this past year.  My kids' bday is one week from today and I am very excited about it... yet still feel like my heart is heavy. If there was a support group that I could've met with.... I would have done it in a heart beat.  I recommend doing that.  Talking has worked the best for me.

SquishyMine

MTip - thanks for sharing your experience.  I'm leary of anti-depressants, but know they can be a temporary help to get through the hard times, but they obviously don't work for everyone.  It's hard to find actual practical things that people have tried.  I should maybe do a spin off thread instead of thread jacking

KatFCo

DD turned 6 in June, and I still have those feelings sometimes, but I promise, it does get better. I eventually learned to not fight it, but instead to give myself the night before to grieve and remember the sadness. By the time her birthday comes around, I'm able to celebrate her life.