BM on Bedrest

Holly_1007

BM is 5ish months pregnant I think? I'm not really counting, but anyway, DH texted her and asked her if they could meet up to discuss some things (That's a whole other post, I will explain when/ if it actually happens) and she says "It has to be this week or next week because then I'm going on bedrest".  Now, I don't know much about bed rest, just what I have read here, I've never been on bedrest so maybe I am just being naïve. But is bedrest something that you can predict or plan like that? 

Let me back up and explain a little bit.  When BM got pregnant with her 2nd DD (NOT DH's child) She had just had an operation on her foot (she was in the 2WW and didn't know she was KU) So she gained weight during her pregnancy and her foot never healed correctly.   She ended up on some sort of bed rest the end of her pregnancy (mostly just not working, and using it as an excuse not to do tons of stuff with SD, but she wasn't confined to her bed 23 hrs a day). She was on bedrest because of her foot, NOT because something was complicated with her pregnancy.  So if I were the assuming type- her foot is acting up again with the weight she is gaining during this pregnancy.  There is nothing wrong with her or the baby, it is a non complicated pregnancy but DH said she was limping last time he saw her. 

We aren't sure if the doctor is actually putting her on bedrest, because like I said, her and the baby aren't in any danger, her foot just gets irritated with the weight that she gains. I think she just likes having an excuse to not work and be pampered.  So anyway, I was explaining to DH the difference between a doctor putting her on bedrest because there is a possibility that there is something wrong with her/ the baby and she will deliver early, versus her putting herself on bedrest because her foot hurts.  He basically asked me if BM was capable of caring for SD and her other DD if she is on bedrest.  I told him that if she was doctors orders on bedrest 23 hours a day, no, she cannot care for those children, but HER version of bedrest, she is fine to care for them.

He is tossing around the idea of having a discussion with his lawyer about getting temporary custody of SD while BM is on bedrest since the technical definition of bedrest means that BM won't be able to care for SD and her other child. 

Like I said, I have never been on bedrest, and BM isn't really on bedrest, just has an irritated foot and is using the pregnancy as an excuse not to work, or do anything really.  Any thoughts or suggestions?

twitchy4

I think it depends on the motive your DH has really.

If he is honestly worried his child can't be cared for properly and discusses it with BM and she agrees based on her or dr bedrest definition why would you need a CO change for a temporary change like that?

IF his motives are more long term (trying to win full custody perm.) that is different.

Holly_1007

twitchy4 said:

I think it depends on the motive your DH has really.

If he is honestly worried his child can't be cared for properly and discusses it with BM and she agrees based on her or dr bedrest definition why would you need a CO change for a temporary change like that?

IF his motives are more long term (trying to win full custody perm.) that is different.

His intentions are a little bit of both.  I mean, if BM is on doctors ordered bed rest, she cannot care for her children (from my knowledge of bedrest) Plus, like I said she is 5-6 months pregnant, so its not like we are talking a few weeks of bedrest, we are talking months.  He is concerned that 1) BM will not be able to care for SD and her sister and 2) SD will end up being responsible for caring for the sister.

I'm not sure how much of my posts you have followed but we have been trying to change our CO for a while.  We do not want full custody (well, obviously we would love full custody, but don't feel that would be best for SD) But we DO want to be granted more time with SD.  Our CO is VERY vague. 

BM would never in a million years volunteer to have SD live with us, however temporary.  It would need to be ordered by a judge. 

Sigir

I think you're assuming a lot here, and we know what happens when we assume! You don't know if this is due to her foot again. You don't know how long the bed rest will be or why it's happening. I know your bm is crazy but I think it's a mistake to assume much.

Personally, I am a 6 mth pregnant bm. I also have a 1 yr old. If I was put on bed rest, I'd get help from family and still spend time w my dds. We'd watch movies, do crafts, talk. It wouldn't be ideal but it'd be manageable. I would find it 100% out of line for my exh to try to get full temporary custody. She is not going into a coma for 3 mths, she's going on bed rest. She'll still be able to do things w her dd, she'll just need extra help.

Sorry, I think you're overreaching here.

Holly_1007

Sigir said:

I think you're assuming a lot here, and we know what happens when we assume! You don't know if this is due to her foot again. You don't know how long the bed rest will be or why it's happening. I know your bm is crazy but I think it's a mistake to assume much. Personally, I am a 6 mth pregnant bm. I also have a 1 yr old. If I was put on bed rest, I'd get help from family and still spend time w my dds. We'd watch movies, do crafts, talk. It wouldn't be ideal but it'd be manageable. I would find it 100% out of line for my exh to try to get full temporary custody. She is not going into a coma for 3 mths, she's going on bed rest. She'll still be able to do things w her dd, she'll just need extra help. Sorry, I think you're overreaching here.

Oh, I agree I'm assuming a lot, and like I said, I've never been on bedrest, I just know what a dramatic BM is already.  I DO know that BM doesn't have a lot of help (she complains about it all the time) and her other daughter does require a LOT of attention as it is. 

Thanks for the opinion! Guess we will see how things go once she is actually "on bedrest"

Pamelacake

I have been on bedrest due to complications of pregnancy and I wasn't supposed to get up and do things. I still did when I needed to bc I still had kids to take care of and do things for and with. DH stayed home from work to help me when he could.

If the bedrest is from her foot, she could, like PP said, get some help from a friend or family member. That's what a friend of mine does when she breaks her foot, which she has done at least 3 times now, not including her surgeries.

When I was put on bedrest for my pregnancy, it was not planned in advance. I went to see my doctor and he told me not to do anything at all but lay and prop my feet up but then again... every pregnancy is different so it may not be the same as when I was. GL

 

Ginlyn0

Are you sure it is or was previously for her foot?

There are sometimes when bedrest is planned. For example, if a cerclage was needed and bedrest was ordered because of previous pregnancy history. I know of this because of hearing of ladies on TB going through it. I know if I had a situation similar to that, would never tell my EX I was on bedrest for that reason because it's none of his business and if I had hurt my foot I might use that as an excuse. And like PP's have said if my EX tried to get temporary custody of my DD for me being on bedrest, I would flip on him. I mean, perhaps someone should get temporary custody of your bio-kids if you are on bedrest. Do you get what I'm saying?? That wouldn't be a viable reason for removing custody in a non blended family, so why would it be in a blended family?

Pamelacake

agree with @gin9874 It could also be due to complications from a previous pregnancy and they could plan the bedrest to try to prevent the same complications.

CFjo2010

I'm jumping on the "you're assuming a lot" bandwagon here...

I was put on bedrest with DS because he was so large, resting on my sciatica and I was having major balance issues (yes, I was a frigging Weeble).  It sucked, but I could still function.  With DD I wasn't put on bedrest at all.  With PJ, I was warned from very early on that I might get put on bedrest due to cervical issues, but I was only put on modified bedrest around 6 months.  I still took the kids to and from school, I still went to DS' football games and DD's cheer and tumbling stuff.  I just couldn't be on my feet for 8 hours a day.  I guess my point is: yes, sometimes you can predict getting put on bedrest and other time there's no telling what's going to happen.  If BM has an issue with her foot, they may put her on modified bedrest, which is basically telling her she needs to stay off her feet as much as possible.  She will still be able to care for SD and her other child, but she's going to be very limited on walking up/down stairs, going for walks, etc.  She can still easily sit on the floor and read with the kids, play puzzles, watch movies, etc.

I think DH checking with an attorney about a change in custody over this is majorly jumping the gun.  Now, if SD comes over and it's clear she's being neglected due to the bedrest and lack of help, that's something to explore if it happens.  But I really wouldn't do anything right now.

Holly_1007

Thanks ladies.  There is obviously more to the story than what I put here, but regardless I think I will advise DH to sit tight and see what happens in a few weeks.  She is pretty open about it with SD and DH (mostly looking for pity parties) so we should have a better idea of what is going on in a few weeks and take it from there, thanks again!