Schitzophrenic BIL Related

mrebecca

I'm so freakin sick to my stomach right now.
We found journals BIL kept.

Amidst all the writings about not being sure that any of us, his family, are whom we claim to be, BIL had written about wanting to kill MIL and FIL.
Like, literally murder them.

I swear, if we find anything about Abigail in the journals, I'm going to lose my own sanity.

I'm angry, hurt, sad, shocked, curious, and scared all at the same time right now.
I mean, holy crap. This all could very easily have ended much much worse.

Also, for about the last month of his life, BIL began carrying around his shotgun. It was loaded. There was a round chambered. The safety was always off.
If he went to the kitchen to get something to eat, the shotgun was there over his shoulder. If he went to the bathroom, it went there also.
He slept with it, even.

DH finally told the ILs that there was absolutely no way Abigail would stay there unless one of us was there with her. Even that was pushing it.

I remember the first time I saw him with it.
We were visiting one night, and we were about to leave. He came out of his room (something he didn't do very often), and walked to the end of the hall and just stopped and looked at everybody.

I kid you not, his eyes looked wild. I have never seen somebody with such indescribably wild eyes.
We locked eyes for what seemed an entire minute, but it couldn't have been longer than three seconds.
He looked like he wanted to kill me.
I only pray I never see that look in another pair of eyes as long as I live.

I had Abigail in my arms. We would have both been dead if he had shot (being a shotgun and all. One bullet makes many holes).
After that moment, he turned and went back into his room.

I turned and took Abigail outside. I left as soon as I possibly could.

I am just horrified right now. I don't think I'll be sleeping for a while.
I should probably get a snack

The only good thing about all this stress is that I've lost 10 pounds. Haha. Ha. Also, I get jittery and can't sit still, so I have my house pretty clean right now.
But I'd take the 10 pounds and dirty house over all this crap ANY DAY.

[Deleted User]

What is compelling you to read the journals?  Maybe you should stop.

LuckyDad

Please stop reading the journals.

You know why he took his life. He was sick. You don't need answers. The past is the past. You are safe.

KaramelSutra

Torturing yourself if Abigail is or isn't mentioned isn't going to help. If she isn't, great. Maybe his demons weren't tergeting her. If she is? What's it going to change. He was sick. Not one part of it was in his control. Not even killing himself. Please stop reading them

RondackHiker

I'm so sorry. I echo the others... Stop reading. There's no logic or answers or closure there.

mejane123

Please stop reading them. I know the possibility is killing you, but he's gone now and your daughter is safe from him. If he did say something about her in those journals, all it would do is cause you to feel even worse than you already do. I ditto PP about getting some counseling. This is the kind of thing that needs to be worked on one on one so you can get it all out. 

LaurelBee

I'm sorry mama. What a terrible ride you've been on. Hugs

insertclevername

I am very sorry you and your family are dealing with this. I know you have had some struggles in the past and I am sure that this situation is bringing all of that back. Please take the advice of the people above and seek out some counseling so that you can better process this.

RayRay007

mrebecca, I can't imagine going through this. Ditto pp's. Stop reading the journals; see a counsellor. He was sick and he can't hurt anyone any more. Take care. 

mrebecca

I feel so silly, because I had not even realized that we had the option of deciding to NOT reading them.
And really, I haven't seen the journals, and I only know what DH had read and shared with me.

At this point (and forever, I assume) we are all grasping for something-- anything, really, to help us find closure or better understanding.

Thank you all for reminding me that he was sick. He really was very sick, and the REAL BIL would never even have thought of all these awful things.

The real BIL was kind and compassionate and selfless.

When SIL joined the military and was deployed for the first time, 12 year old BIL gave her his very first (and favorite, of course) stuffed animal to comfort her in case she became sad.

He then joined the military himself; a very selfless thing to do, in my opinion.

As for counseling, I had been going to counseling, but my doctor had to stop seeing patients for a few weeks.
She called me the day after it all happened to make sure I was alright. She made me promise to start seeing her again as soon as I can. She even sent a card.
She's pretty awesome.

Anyway, thanks to you all for the concern, encouragement, thoughts, prayers, advice, sympathy, empathy, and all those other great words.
I really appreciate it. Big time.

LoveActually4

mbenit4 said:

Part of his illness is being paranoid and delusional. You guys should get rid of the journals and not read them. They were not his normal self. They were Schizophrenia talking. Not being in touch with reality is a major part of it.

I agree with this.

Also, find a support group for survivors of suicide. I can tell you from personal experience that you will likely never come to terms with or understand why he thought these horrible things an took his own life and that can be very hard to deal with.