Need Discipline Advice!!

Ledabe

For about three weeks now, DD has been throwing major tantrums!  She will bite, throw, etc..  Redirection does not help.  Ive tried holding her hands and talk "That's not nice, we don't _____"  That doesn't work, she hits me and throws something else.  Time out doesn't work.  Ive resorted to slight spank on the bottom.  Enough to sting and she just hits back.  What to do??  

erbear

Stop spanking. You're teaching her that hitting is ok.

Redirection, timeout, patience. She's testing her limits and you have to be consistent. It's hard, but it's your job as her parents.

sschwege

For anything physical, hitting, pushing, etc.  DD gets an immediate time-out, no discussion, no warning.  We put her behind the gate and walk away for 2-3 minutes.  It has gotten infinitely better and I think it was consistency.  She knows what will happen and has learned to control herself (at least controls herself enough to not get physical.  

I'm not a fan of physical discipline (we've never swatted, spanked DD and I hope we never will), but particularly in a case such as this it just seems totally backward.  I mean what is she learner other than only mess with people who are weaker than you.  It's a good feeling to be able to say to DD, "You don't hit mama.  Mama doesn't hit you!" 

So we use time-outs for hitting/pushing.

We do a lot with choices.  For example, "Do you want to walk out of the park or do you want mama to carry you?" Either way we are leaving, but you can decide how.  Kids love choices at this age and it takes the focus off what they can't have and makes them think about what they can.  We loosely follow the "Parenting With Love and Logic" model.  Seriously this avoids so much drama, this is a big one for us.

We do Natural/Logical Consequences.  For example, she doesn't want to wear her coat and it's frigidly cold.  Sure, see how far you can get without it.  I don't deliver the consequences, nature does.  Logical Consequences would be something like I ask her not to bang her fork on the table and she does it again.  Guess you are eating the rest of your dinner without your fork.

Having a toddler is like playing chess, you always have to be one move ahead.  Before I ask DD to do something or not do something, I'm always thinking what will happen if she doesn't listen, what will my move be.  And you know what, sometimes it's just not worth it!  The other day DD was washing her hands, which turned into a huge splash fest.  I just kept right on walking, it just wasn't worth it!

sschwege

sschwege said:

For anything physical, hitting, pushing, etc.  DD gets an immediate time-out, no discussion, no warning.  We put her behind the gate and walk away for 2-3 minutes.  It has gotten infinitely better and I think it was consistency.  She knows what will happen and has learned to control herself (at least controls herself enough to not get physical.  

I'm not a fan of physical discipline (we've never swatted, spanked DD and I hope we never will), but particularly in a case such as this it just seems totally backward.  I mean what is she learner other than only mess with people who are weaker than you.  It's a good feeling to be able to say to DD, "You don't hit mama.  Mama doesn't hit you!" 

So we use time-outs for hitting/pushing.

We do a lot with choices.  For example, "Do you want to walk out of the park or do you want mama to carry you?" Either way we are leaving, but you can decide how.  Kids love choices at this age and it takes the focus off what they can't have and makes them think about what they can.  We loosely follow the "Parenting With Love and Logic" model.  Seriously this avoids so much drama, this is a big one for us.

We do Natural/Logical Consequences.  For example, she doesn't want to wear her coat and it's frigidly cold.  Sure, see how far you can get without it.  I don't deliver the consequences, nature does.  Logical Consequences would be something like I ask her not to bang her fork on the table and she does it again.  Guess you are eating the rest of your dinner without your fork.

Having a toddler is like playing chess, you always have to be one move ahead.  Before I ask DD to do something or not do something, I'm always thinking what will happen if she doesn't listen, what will my move be.  And you know what, sometimes it's just not worth it!  The other day DD was washing her hands, which turned into a huge splash fest.  I just kept right on walking, it just wasn't worth it!

*learning

boogerbearoriginal

Is she eating/sleeping like normal? I've noticed when my LO is overtired/hungry the tantrums are much worse.

Ditto PPs, hitting is a no-no in our house, for LO and adults. We try to lead by example, and hitting is not an effective way to teach someone not to hit.

Why is she throwing a tantrum? I've found prevention helps as much as anything else. So, we're about to leave the park - LO gets told, "Ok 2 more times down the slide and we're leaving. Then one more time down the slide and we're going home. Ok, it's time to go home and eat dinner!" Sometimes he's ok, sometimes he gets upset. If he's upset I just calmly place him in the stroller or carry him home (lol) and will say "I know you're disappointed to leave the park but we'll come back again." And just leave. 

One of the biggest things is consistency, kids thrive on it. So a reliable schedule of their day, if you say we're leaving now you leave, etc. They do so much better if they know you are reliable and what you say is what you mean. If you are always giving in or saying "one more time" they realize you aren't reliable and then when you do follow through it's more upsetting because they can't predict if/when things are going to happen.

Kids can't tell time, they have a hard time with sooner/later, they don't know when Wednesday is and they need rules to figure out how to behave, but all those things aren't as intimidating if they have a consistent, predictable caregiver to help them feel secure with the rules of the world and when things happen. Believe it or not, they truly WANT to be good and please you. But without a solid set of guidelines they flounder and that leads to tantrums because they do not posses the ability to control emotions like adults do.

boogerbearoriginal

Also, if LO is in a safe/secure place like at home. I will ignore the tantrum, but stay close-by because he gets more upset if I leave him.  Some people have found walking away to be effective though.

If he hits, I get up and say "Ouch. That hurts, I'm not playing with you if you hit" and then walk away. Usually he'll come running after me lol. And I'll repeat "it hurts mommy when you hit, if you play nice we can go do x" and pick something he likes to do. For him it works to reinforce the positive - not hitting = fun times vs. punishing the hitting with timeout or whatever. 

One time he wanted to play outside except it was dinner time and he was tired on top of things. So he got upset and was standing by the door, which I was holding closed (he knows how to open doors so I couldn't just walk away). After carrying on for a bit, he turned and hit my leg a few times then looked at me. I just ignored it and said, it's time for dinner. He realized it wasn't "getting me riled up" so he went back to pulling on the door.

Sometimes we inadvertently reinforce negative behaviors by reacting. So all the timeouts, redirection, etc may only serve to keep her hitting MORE because she's getting your attention.