Second guessing my new job

JessicaG220

Hi ladies, I hope life is treating you all well these days. I've mentioned in other threads, but I started a new job last Monday. I was searching for a new job for about a month and a half, which seemed like forever... And in hindsight it wasn't really long at all. I jumped at this opportunity because I so badly wanted a fresh start, a new environment that isn't full of constant reminders. And now that I've gotten what I wanted... I'm having doubts. One of the reasons I felt like I needed to get away was because of my coworkers and the looks of pity (which I probably mostly imagined) and I wanted to be around people who don't know my entire life story. Well, I've had the urge several times to talk about Ava and I realized I can't unless I dump my whole story on my brand new coworkers. So I'm a little annoyed at myself for desperately wanting to get away, and now I kind of ache for the closeness and understanding I had before. Ugh, I can't even sort through my own thoughts and feelings anymore. It's hard to tell if I'm actually feeling happy because I'm so used to being "on" for people all the time. And when I feel sad, I wonder where my true sadness lies. I am sad for so, so many reasons. I had several breakdowns this past weekend... Once when my dad asked me if DH and I were trying again soon because that should solve my sadness, right? And I almost lost it at my friend's wedding because it felt like every.single.person. there had a baby/child. Finally, I am hopelessly depressed because along with the uncertainty of this new job, I know deep down that I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Ugh. How do you make that thought go away???? I am supposed to be at home, on maternity leave, caring for my sweet Ava. It's impossibly hard to accept. Thank you for allowing me to share my ramblings! Hugs to all of you ladies!!!!

shandorfml2

((hugs))) I'm struggling with this too. I started a new position and the people there don't know. I want to talk about Ana like I could with my other co workers. I've started telling people and we had someone come back from maternity leave yesterday who didn't know about me. My supervisor was supposed to tell her, but didn't and I had to grit my teeth to get through her showing me pics, talking about breastfeeding and singing to her baby. I finally told her and had to hold myself together to not sob in front of everyone. It sucks.

Noethola

I am so very sorry. Its incredibly difficult to feel stifled when talking (or not) about your baby. That would be a very hard position to be in for both of you. Keep giving it time. Eventually you will find a coworker or two who maybe you can talk to. 

I know the pain of being in a position you never thought you would be in, because you would be with your baby right now. Anything anyone said or did in the months following, I would say in my mind "But Im not supposed to be here." I wish I could give you more support. Unfortunately, it is a time we have to go through. 

I talk about my daughter a lot, sometimes even with people I do not know well I will talk about being pregnant with my daughter. Some ask deeper questions, and I tell them she was stillborn. But for me, that doesnt mean I should be benched from being able to share my own pregnancy experiences. You just have to find what is right for you.

Dixon813

Oh, Jessica, I'm so sorry!!  I pray that as time goes on and you start to develop relationships with your new co-workers, you'll talk to them about Ava.

Hugs to you, friend!

golfingdarwinfish

The part that struck me from your post was, "Finally, I am hopelessly depressed because along with the uncertainty of this new job, I know deep down that I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Ugh. How do you make that thought go away???? "

Oh, I know how you feel. Every single day I wake up and the first thought I have is that I'm not supposed to be here, in the situation that I am in; I'm supposed to be somewhere else, in a much happier place, preparing for the arrival on my son. 

But, that's not where I am.  None of us are where were thought we were supposed to be.  Instead we're all in one sort of hell or another.  I feel like there's no longer a place where I'm supposed to be, and no longer a place I'm not supposed to be.  Unfortunately, while i always hoped and wanted the world to work that way, it does not.

I hope you find the healing and the peace that you need in this new position.  Try your best to look at it beyond the reasons that you accepted the position. 

(huge hugs)

princezjk

I am so sorry this so rough on you right now.  I know I have thought about looking for a new job for the same reasons you did, but also worry if I am able to handle so much change right now.  Sending you lots of (((hugs))) and T&P to get your through what is hopefully just a rough patch with the new job.  As my husband likes to remind me, you are so strong, you can survive anything because you have!  Have you reached out to anyone for help with your depression?  I am battling depression too and have been seeing a counselor.  Its not a cure all, but it helps.  

Bayberry12

I am so sorry you are having a hard time with the new job.  For a long time, and even now at times, I have that feeling "I am not supposed to be here"  I know exactly how that feels.  Starting a new job is hard no matter what, but in your situations it's probably a thousand times harder.  If you feel the need to share your story with co-workers, there is nothing wrong with doing that.  I have found that when I make people aware of what I have been through and am still going through, I get a little more understanding from them. Hugs to you.    

JessicaG220

Thanks to all of you I can always count on you to make me feel better! I start to feel alone in this because I don't know anyone personally who has been through this, but then I find comfort from my online friends that totally understand where I'm coming from. I know you all feel the same feelings and you share the same thoughts.

It is strange trying to figure out my place, my purpose. I feel like that's all gone now. Since I started college, I've been so cater driven and I used to tell people I couldn't imagine being a stay-at-home Mom. And then I got pregnant and all of that went out the window! Ava became my priority and I finally started to feel complete. I hope to find something to fill the hole, whether it be another baby or something else that fulfills me. I'm tired of being in limbo. I want to feel settled. I am not currently seeing anyone for depression, but I am seriously considering it.

Thanks as always for the encouraging words

fluttergirlmoonchild79

JessicaG220 said:

Thanks to all of you I can always count on you to make me feel better! I start to feel alone in this because I don't know anyone personally who has been through this, but then I find comfort from my online friends that totally understand where I'm coming from. I know you all feel the same feelings and you share the same thoughts. It is strange trying to figure out my place, my purpose. I feel like that's all gone now. Since I started college, I've been so cater driven and I used to tell people I couldn't imagine being a stay-at-home Mom. And then I got pregnant and all of that went out the window! Ava became my priority and I finally started to feel complete. I hope to find something to fill the hole, whether it be another baby or something else that fulfills me. I'm tired of being in limbo. I want to feel settled. I am not currently seeing anyone for depression, but I am seriously considering it. Thanks as always for the encouraging words

****ticker warning

 

 

About a month or 2 after Corbin left us I could have wrote the same thing (and if I remember right, pretty much did).   DH and I were always the "never having kids" people.  Most of our friends have kids and we treat them as our own, go to their birthday parties etc. but we were cool with having a dog.  Then we found out we were expecting.  I had always been one of those people who said they didn't understand why women were SAHMs.  Then Corbin was born.  I planned on going back to work for maybe a few months (I work from home so I was going to work until he was mobile) and then I was going to quit. Instead, we lost him.  When I was pregnant with him, I was taking the CPA exams.  I hadn't passed any of them and after we lost him, I lost all desire to do it.  All I wanted to do was be a stay at home mom.  We did make a difficult decision and decided to move.  I knew that if we moved, I'd have to continue working, which I'm ok with but there are still so many times, even 20 months out - where I sit and say "I shouldn't be doing this.  I shouldn't be here."  Even 20 months out I still struggle to figure out who I am now.  It's hard but you're not alone.  {{HUGS}}