I hope life is treating you all well these days. I've mentioned in other threads, but I started a new job last Monday. I was searching for a new job for about a month and a half, which seemed like forever... And in hindsight it wasn't really long at all. I jumped at this opportunity because I so badly wanted a fresh start, a new environment that isn't full of constant reminders. And now that I've gotten what I wanted... I'm having doubts. One of the reasons I felt like I needed to get away was because of my coworkers and the looks of pity (which I probably mostly imagined) and I wanted to be around people who don't know my entire life story. Well, I've had the urge several times to talk about Ava and I realized I can't unless I dump my whole story on my brand new coworkers. So I'm a little annoyed at myself for desperately wanting to get away, and now I kind of ache for the closeness and understanding I had before.
Ugh, I can't even sort through my own thoughts and feelings anymore. It's hard to tell if I'm actually feeling happy because I'm so used to being "on" for people all the time. And when I feel sad, I wonder where my true sadness lies. I am sad for so, so many reasons. I had several breakdowns this past weekend... Once when my dad asked me if DH and I were trying again soon because that should solve my sadness, right? And I almost lost it at my friend's wedding because it felt like every.single.person. there had a baby/child. Finally, I am hopelessly depressed because along with the uncertainty of this new job, I know deep down that I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. Ugh. How do you make that thought go away???? I am supposed to be at home, on maternity leave, caring for my sweet Ava. It's impossibly hard to accept.
Thank you for allowing me to share my ramblings! Hugs to all of you ladies!!!!