How would you address this?

Lavender P

SS was on vacation with BM and missed DH's birthday. SS called DH While he was at work, and DH called back several times. BM never returned the phone calls or told SS that his dad called back. She claims that she texted DH to tell him what time to call but DH never got any texts so she is either lying or they magically got lost. It still doesn't explain why she didnt have SS call back when she saw the missed calls from DH.
Anyway, when we finally got a hold of SS, he was crying and saying he was confused as to how DH didn't call him back when he called on DH's birthday. DH was trying to explain that there was a miscommunication so as not to call BM a liar. He said that he called BM back when he got SS's message and that she texted him back, but they were playing phone tag (which isn't true but he didn't want to say BM didn't bother to call back.) BM grabs the phone and starts cursing and yelling at DH saying that he is a liar and she called him back but he was too busy with his life to call his son. She called him a p.o.s dad and was going through her usual litany of accusations on how we don't love SS like she does. She screamed for a minute and then hung up on DH. We haven't been able to talk to SS since then and probably won't get to until we pick him up this weekend. Should we address this with SS or not say anything? If we do address it, what do we say? SS has seen his mom scream at DH several times before. It is usually on the phone so he sees her screaming, cussing, crying etc but does not see DH's reaction to it. He thinks DH is the bad guy for making his mom cry and doesn't understand the dynamics of what is happening. DH does not scream or curse back at BM, which is why she gets even more mad at him. He has made comments to her about how it is inappropriate to talk like that in front of SS, and of course that sets her off more. He is by no means perfect but to his credit he doesnt ever curse or scream at her. She usually hangs up before he can even say anything. I know that this is a horrible thing for SS to see and I'm sure he is stressed over it. He has cried to me before saying he wishes his parents didn't hate each other. I don't know if a week later is too late to ask him how he feels and what his thoughts are about what happened. He has a lot of trouble expressing himself and we have been working on getting him to communicate his feelings without being so overwhelmed by them. I know BM grabbed the phone so she could get in her version of the story in front of SS and make it seem like she did nothing wrong. I dont even care as we obviously can't control her. My gut feeling is we should talk about it with him, but not sure as to what to say.

kknisell

Wow, that's a tough situation! How old is your SS? That might change how to handle it. The BM in my life is agressive and prolematic from time to time and it's been a real challenge. Here's a blog that has been helpful in dealing with her. Maybe it will help you also? https://www.stepmomhelp.com/5-tips-for-divorcing-a-high-conflict-personality/

Pamelacake

That is a tough situation and you guys already have a lot on your plate. I feel for you. I have never been in this situation so any advice I might give won't be solid but I'm sure some of the other ladies will have some. I really just wanted to show some support.

Maybe a little surprise party for him, make his favorite meal. I might let him know, or have DH let him know that he did call more than once and maybe he and BM were busy. I honestly don't know.

I hope whatever you guys decide to do works out and lets SS know that you both care about and love him very much despite what BM is saying to him and in front of him. I wouldn't try to bash BM or whatever, that may just put what she is saying to SS into perspective and make him think those things are true.

I read in your other post that he knows she lies to him but since you haven't seen SS in a while he is more than likely going to be brainwashed all over again. So I would also stick to the norm aside from a birthday dinner or something. Consistency on our part has been the best for our situation.

Good Luck and I am looking forward to reading the other ladies' suggestions.

Lavender P

SS is 10, and very mature behaviorly but very immature emotionally. I think since he feels like he missed DH's birthday, I might have him bake a cake with me for DH. He made a card for DH the last time he was here and I saved it so he can give it to DH in person. I think this mini-celebration might help him feel like he got to celebrate with us, but not sure how to address what happened with the phone call (or if we even address it.) if we saw him the next day we definitely would've asked him how he felt, but with it being a week later I don't want us to unnecessarily bring up sad feeling but don't want him to have the wrong impression. He has just spent several weeks in a row wih BM and she probably filled his head with all kinds of lies and exagerations. We obviously can't combat it all, but do we even try or just let it go?
P.s. @kknisell, thanks for the link! I'll definitely check it out.

highlights

I might have DH sit down with him and say "Hey buddy, I'm sorry we couldn't connect," and then show him that he tried to call. I think that it calmly explaining that he really appreciated SS remembering his birthday and he's sorry that they didn't connect, then going on to eat cake and have a mini party would be a good thing. 

I wouldn't let it go. He's impressionable and he needs to know his dad loves him. 

lookame3639

With DS when he sees something he is uncomfortable with we will tell him that it was inappropriate for that outburst ect. Then we let him come to talk with us when he feels ready. That way he knows how we feel and what appropriate behavior is and would look like. When he is ready to really talk about the situation he feels more comfortable saying the behavior is not how someone should act then often he will tell uswhat would have been aappropriate.

Example: someone gets angry and yells and curses. When we get the chance (the sooner the better) we tell DS that was not a good way to handle anger and they werent using a calm voice (this labels the emotion expressed and calm voice is a general term we use instead of indoor voice ect). Later when DS is comfortable discussing it with us he will tell us that person should have taken some deep breaths to calm down before talking or something like that. Then we validate his statement and his feelings about the situation.

Lavender P

Thanks all! These suggestions are helpful and we will at least mention to SS how to handle anger and appropriate behavior.

IfMamaAintHappy

Have YH calmly and objectively show him the phone to let him know he did try to call. No mention of BMs efforts to thwart. Leave BM out of it completely. All the kid wants is the reassurance that his dad did make the effort and is thinking of him. He will eventually learn to draw his own conclusions about his mother's antics and YH will not be the parent that put him in those terrible situations.

I also like the idea of having a cake and celebrating with him.