1st supervised visit was interesting *a little shorter

Pamelacake

 BM was 30 minutes late because FI's son was getting a haircut. BM was clearly hungover and we should have made her leave the second she got here for more than that but we did let it go b/c SD's were excited that she actually showed up. SD's asked BM at the beginning why she had black on her eyes, she told them it was her make up from the night before and that she hadn't washed it off yet. She looked effed up.

The visit itself went a lot better than I expected but could have been much better for 6yo SD.. well.. if BM cared about her AT ALL! and BM stayed longer than I expected. I had camera malfunctions like crazy and had to keep switching devices, I even used DS's tablet for some of it while the others were charging. But my amazing recorder pulled through the whole way. BM asked SD's at one point to take it off of the table, after asking them what it was,  to bring it to me and 5yo did, I simply got up and put it back on the table where they were sitting.

BM got here and gave one SD a pair of shorts and a package of ramen noodles as well as a hair brush, She had promised them on the phone to bring new backpacks that she got them. BM told SD's about all of the other stuff she was going to bring over for them. and blah blah blah. we know how that goes.

So I had the living room set up with board games and puzzles they could do together but the visit started outside. 6YO SD told BM I was pregnant, something we aren't telling anyone yet as I'm still very early, and BM responds with "I'm having twins but don't tell anyone.

BM kept trying to talk to me about random things, I politely kept telling her that this time was for her to spend with the girls and if she wanted to talk about other things that could be done another time. She kept saying but I was just trying to talk to you. What part of what I just said do you NoT understand! I wasn't trying to be rude or anything.

So some of you are familiar with the way BM treats one SD like she doesn't even exist, Well they were outside sitting at the picnic table and a game was brought out for them to play, BM and 5yo SD sitting on one bench and  6yo on the other bench. when it was 6yo SD's turn, BM would tell her no, it's not your turn it's 5yo SD's turn. 6yo SD went along with it like she was used to it. they finished that game and another was brought out. When the second game was brought out 6yo SD moved to the other side of the picnic table to sit by BM, BM moved to the other side of the table and had 5yo follow! I don't know why this shocks me after about an hour, BM would look up at me like something would click and rub 6yo SD's head or something.

They then went to play on the swing set and slides. 5yo SD did something and it was so funny to BM. 6yo SD did the same thing and BM yelled at her! BM was pushing 5yo SD on a swing and she was pushing her too high.. SD flew off of the swing.. BM did not go to where she was but stood there and laughed as SD was face down on the ground. BM didn't start to go over to her until I got up to see if she was ok. 6yo SD was sick of being ignored at this point and hid behind a tree. BM didn't even acknowledge her. I went over to where SD was and asked her if she was ok and she was clearly upset. I told her that I was sorry but there was nothing I could do, so she continued to try to be a part of the visit.  

BM asked me if she could use the bathroom, I told her no (this had already been discussed) We all got in the car and took BM to the gas station to use the restroom. DH then stopped at the little grocery store since we were in town to get the girls some juices and cookies for a snack. As soon as DH got out of the truck BM started apologizing to me about all of the nasty things she has said and that she was just venting and blah blah blah, BM has apologized to me before through VM and in the same day is saying the stuff again. BM also said that she doesn't have a problem with me and that it was out of line and as long as I was doing what I was supposed to it would stay that way and she was glad that I was here to take care of the girls while she can't be doing it and that they were lucky to have me.. she just kept going on and on. I know she was just trying to kiss my @ss bc she knows I could make her life hell if I wanted to. I simply told her I was used to people who don't know me saying things about me and I'm not the type to hold grudges. If the girls weren't in the truck I would have said more, not mean things but about how she treats them. The whole time we were in the truck BM was hugging on, kissing and caressing 5yo SD's hair. Hello..your other daughter is here too..sitting right beside you!!! The doing what I'm supposed to part really got me though.. a little.  

We then came into the living room so they could play and whatever. BM and SD's were all three going to sit on the same couch, BM was sitting on the end closest to the other couch where DH and I were sitting. 6yo SD came back from using the restroom and wanted to sit by BM too. SD's starting fighting about who gets to sit by her, she didn't even try to move over and told 6yo to sit on the other side of 5yo. I finally interfered and said, she has 2 sides, She then, seeming agitated, moved over so she could sit in the middle. 

They started playing another game and got bored with that, so 6yo SD got a book out to read it to BM. 5yo SD got bored with that quickly and BM wasn't really paying attention to 6yo. DH got a numbers book out for 5yo SD and BM acted very interested when 5yo SD started counting, BM was counting with her. 6yo SD was still reading her book, out loud, to her mom! This went on for a few more minutes and 6you started reading slower and I could tell she was getting sad. When BM and 5yo SD started giggling and playing 6yo SD dramatically sighed and shut her book. 6yo SD started trying to be involved with what the others were doing and counting with them and was told to stop it by BM! 

I got up and got 6yo's DS out so she would have something to play with. DH then got out some coloring books and crayons for all three to do and 6yo was done trying. She continued to play her DS and the rest of the visit BM and 5yo were coloring and 6yo was playing a game on her DS and kept showing me her accomplishments as she hasn't beaten this game yet but was over the visit. BM was leaning toward 5yo SD so much that 6yo SD had room to curl her legs up on the couch and lean on the arm.

It was obvious BM wanted to leave over an hour before this. FI showed up to pick BM up, he pulled down the lane and honked, DH went to see who it was and asked her if she had gotten ahold of him to get her bc he was here. BM said she told him to come around 4 but told the girls at the beginning of the visit that she would be staying until 5.

BM did not even give 6yo a hug bye or anything. At that point I wanted to drop kick her out the door but kept my cool and acted like I wasn't paying attention.

BM stayed for 3 hours, I was a little shocked but at least she's trying to make herself look good.. for court.

I'm really just glad that everything was civil and at least one of the girls had fun. I'm sure it's going to be an interesting day for 6yo SD and I. I'm always the one who gets to pick up the pieces which I don't mind but it infuriates me at the same time b/c it shouldn't have to be done at all.  

That's just a taste of why 6yo SD has a team of counselors, as I have been asked before why she sees so many.

If you made it through this post... congrats!

 

 

Littlejen22

I am sorry the visit went so bad for 6yo I am going to give some advise that might not be wanted but you guys have to stop intervening, stop bring them books toys and snacks and let BM have her visit even if it is hard. Also, if BM is allowed in the house is there a reason she cannot use the bathroom? I assume it has to do with her behaving privacy in a room you are not in but just checking.

10-4LilBuddy

I am so sorry for your 6 yo SD. I agree with LittleJen that maybe let future visits be BM's responsibility to entertain them. I know it is hard to do because the girls suffer but if BM wants to be a mom, then this is part of it. Making stuff available is a great idea still because you kniw she won't bring anything of her own initiative. Good luck.

SueBear

The way BM is treating SD6 is a form of child abuse.  It is NOT uncommon for one child to be abused while the other isn't.  It is sometimes a form of manipulation ("follow as I say, or I will leave you out, too.....").

Please document, document, document this behavior, and report this emotional abuse! 

Littlejen22

SueBear said:

The way BM is treating SD6 is a form of child abuse.  It is NOT uncommon for one child to be abused while the other isn't.  It is sometimes a form of manipulation ("follow as I say, or I will leave you out, too.....").

Please document, document, document this behavior, and report this emotional abuse! 

Ditto. And if you intervene less it might be harder for her so she might disappear earlier.

Do you have any idea why she is so bad to her oldest? I wonder if it has to do with her thinking the kids have different bio-fathers.

Pamelacake

Littlejen22 said:

I am sorry the visit went so bad for 6yo I am going to give some advise that might not be wanted but you guys have to stop intervening, stop bring them books toys and snacks and let BM have her visit even if it is hard. Also, if BM is allowed in the house is there a reason she cannot use the bathroom? I assume it has to do with her behaving privacy in a room you are not in but just checking.

 

 

I completely agree with not providing the games and things. I thought it would be a good idea at first to make BM feel more comfortable but you are right, we won't be doing that again.

BM was allowed in the family room only, on the couch where there are no shelves around it and the picture frames on the walls are too big for BM to pocket, BM wasn't allowed in any other area of the house bc she is a clepto.

 We invited BM to 6yo's birthday party and she showed up but wasn't interested in seeing either SD at all. She went through the house like she owned the place and took a few things. I didn't really think anything of it bc we have a lot of kids and we had a lot of family over. BM took some dvd's, my razor and blades that were in the bathroom along with some little tubes of conditioner and some lotions. She left after about 10 minutes of being here and the only reason she stayed that long was bc her father drove her and he was visiting with the girls. She waited in the car.  We know it was her bc my mother witnessed her taking the DVD's but didn't want to get involved or upset anyone so she waited until after mostly everyone was gone to say something to me.

Pamelacake

10-4LilBuddy said:

I am so sorry for your 6 yo SD. I agree with LittleJen that maybe let future visits be BM's responsibility to entertain them. I know it is hard to do because the girls suffer but if BM wants to be a mom, then this is part of it. Making stuff available is a great idea still because you kniw she won't bring anything of her own initiative. Good luck.

 

I also agree.. We did know BM wouldn't bring anything. BM was very mad bc she brought along a bunch of people but was told that the visits were for her to spend time with the girls and they needed to leave. There was one guy in the car that SD's didn't even know!

Pamelacake

Littlejen22 said:

The way BM is treating SD6 is a form of child abuse.  It is NOT uncommon for one child to be abused while the other isn't.  It is sometimes a form of manipulation ("follow as I say, or I will leave you out, too.....").

Please document, document, document this behavior, and report this emotional abuse! 

Ditto. And if you intervene less it might be harder for her so she might disappear earlier. Do you have any idea why she is so bad to her oldest? I wonder if it has to do with her thinking the kids have different bio-fathers.

You hit the nail on the head with this. 6yo SD doesn't know any different from BM. SD thinks it's normal. The emotional abuse is very hard to prove and I document EVERYTHING! I have since March. I have notes from before then but no proof. I document so much DH feels neglected. When BM and DH were together, BM would refer to 6yo as a fat little b!tch, BM would call them both little ba$tards.

6yo's comfort was food. She would hide it in her room, and lay in her bed and cry. When I got here and saw the 6yo would just lay in her bed and cry and she was very emotional I immediately tried working with her and told DH SD needed to be in counseling. I was so mad at DH bc he didn't want to go through with the counseling at first. I started pointing things out to him and he quickly realized she needed it. I confronted him about the other kids picking on her about her weight and her laying in bed crying not being normal. He responded with "that's what she always does" HELLO...That is not normal!!! When she would go to her room to lay in her bed, I would get her up and teach her a game or read a book wit her, anything and she loved it. All she wanted was some positive attention. SD now sees three counselors and they all work together to try to help her. But every time BM decides to see them.. SD falls back and we have to work well...I have to work extra hard to pick her back up.

5yo is pretty and outgoing and I think that's what makes the difference. 6yo is overweight, which we have been working on and she has been very excited about it. 6yo also looks a lot like BM.

BM is very manipulative. If SD's don't tell her what she wants to hear, She gets mad. BM didn't do a very good job of hiding this on Saturday when she was here.  

Pamelacake

wendilea said:

I am so sorry for your older SD.  As PP said, document everything.  Emotional abuse is harder to prove, but in many cases, it is also harder to recover from.

 

Emotional abuse is extremely hard to prove but I think the judge has her number on that. He didn't give a reason why the supervised visitation was granted but I think that played a part in it even though it wasn't brought up just for 6yo sd but for both girls as they are both in counseling. I printed out all of my documentation for the attorney and I highlighted certain things about this to make it easier for him. I know he talked to the judge beforehand but I don't know if the judge saw any of it.

 

+just+j+

I think it's more important that your 6 year old SD knows with out a doubt that you and your husband love her equally and to the moon and back. But I know that she will still want her mother's love and probably never get it.   Oy.  She's going to need so much help in the coming years.

Good luck with all of this. 

Pamelacake

+just+j+ said:

I think it's more important that your 6 year old SD knows with out a doubt that you and your husband love her equally and to the moon and back. But I know that she will still want her mother's love and probably never get it.   Oy.  She's going to need so much help in the coming years.

Good luck with all of this. 

I know... SD already sees 3 counselors and I feel horrible for her. But there is nothing I can do but show her that she is loved here. It just makes me so sick.

TY