I Don't Understand! Someone Please help!

mommyilene

Title for Mobile users:  I Don't Understand!  Someone Please help!

I know I haven't been on in a while.  Been in the process and using everything I had to getting ready to move 7 hours from where we were living (we moved on the 31st)...

I'm going to say sorry ahead of time because this might be a little long....

My husband and I used to live in 5.5 - 6 hours away from my family and only 45min away from his family.  My mom and I had discussed scenarios about what would happen after this baby is born.  Our little Andrea Jayne will be my parents first grandchild and his parents 3rd (so I'm a FTM).  My mom said she would only stay a couple of days and then leave so me, hubby, and Andrea could have some time together to be a family.  She said she would like to come back in a week or so just to help out around the house and help me.  Well everything has changed now because Hubby got a new job 7 hours away from where we used to live.  Now we are 2.5 hours away from my parents but 7-8 hours away from his parents.  When we moved into a house that had 3 bedrooms (this was when we lived the 5.5-6hours away) my Dad asked if he could buy a bed to set up in our house so he and my mom would have a place to stay when they visited and wouldn't have to go to a hotel.  Hubby was perfectly fine with this.....I did ask him ahead of time.  I asked my dad if minded other people using their bed when they would come to visit.  Mainly my inlaws.  Even though they only lived 45min away sometimes they would stay with us.  My dad didn't have a problem with that as long as when he or mom was there they got the use of their bed.  

I realized last night that now that we have moved no one is very close and they are all going to want to stay with us when Andrea is born.  I reminded hubby last night that the spare bed in our house was not our bed but my parents bed and they are going to fully expect the use of their bed as they see fit.  I say it like that because when this LO is born my parents will probably pick up my grandparents and actually give them the bed since they are in their late 70's and my parents will sleep on an air mattress somewhere in the house.  Hubby thinks that because his parents are traveling the furthest they should get the bed.  I reminded my hubby again that the bed was not ours.  Yes the bed is in our house but the bed is not ours to decided what to do with.  When it looked like we might have had to move to a two bedroom place my Dad was more than willing to take his bed back and store it (thankfully we found a 3 bedroom house).  He wanted to know if he was just supposed to tell his parents that after spending hundreds of dollars in gas (they drive a Lexus and have to use the most expensive gas) they had to spend another hundreds of dollars on a hotel. I told him not if we came up with another solution like putting them in the nursery and Andrea sleep in the pack'n'play in our room.  He didn't like that idea either.  He said he didn't want all those people in our house and he didn't see the point in staying home with me right after LO is born and he would just go to work until everyone left.  Remember my parents and grandparents were only going to stay a couple of days.  It is his parents that want to stay for who knows how long.

He then informed me that his mom wanted to stay and help out ( I have no idea how long but I know its not for a couple of days).  He told me that he couldn't ask his parents to leave after only being there a couple of days.  He didn't feel right about it since they would have to drive 7-8hrs.  I reminded him that when we were living 5.5-6 hours away from my parents my mom was going to leave after a couple of days to give us some time as a family.  He didn't like that response either.  He told me his mom wants nothing more than to help take care of me and Andrea.  I think that is very sweet of her to want to come and help but I really wanted there to be some time with just me, hubby, and Andrea.  Why is that so much to ask??  I wonder if part of the problem is that Hubby feels a little guilty for moving us 7 hours away from his parents 3 months before this child is born so he's trying to make up for it by letting his parents stay as long as they want after the baby is born.  I just keep thinking "What about my mom?".  I am her daughter who is having her first grandchild who has already said she would like to come and help after Hubby goes back to work full time (about a week after Andrea is born).  Doesn't she have the right of way since I am her daughter? 

My MIL has a daughter that has already had all her kids.  Unfortunately SIL ex husband was a jerk and would not let MIL go and help her daughter after a baby was born.  So I want to know why they are taking that away from my mom?  More than likely they don't even realizing what they are doing.  I'm just upset and hurt right now.  I have so much on my plate right now.  Moving when you are 3 months away from delivering is not the most opportune time to be moving but I made the sacrifice because hubby was so unhappy in his job and I knew this job would make his so much happier.

Thanks for reading.  If you can think of another way to look at something or if I'm just over reacting please let me know................

BebeOnBoard

Why can't you just have them come at separate times? I doubt your going to want all those people staying at once anyways.

Ajoyd

First, I think it's a little bit silly that your parents claim ownership of a bed that is in your house, even if they did buy it. That said, given your situation I understand wanting YOUR parents to be the ones staying with you after LO is born. Honestly, I think they should leave the grandparents at home and come visit again when LO is a few weeks to a month old. I feel like you will go crazy with all of those people in your house.

Regarding your DH's parents, you need to find a compromise. I don't know what that would be if they insist on coming right after the baby is born because again, you will probably not want them plus your parents and potentially your grandparents all staying in your house when you are just home with your new baby. I think he probably needs to realize this and ask them to stay at a hotel. 

mommyilene

They are all going to want to be there when Andrea is born.  Usually it wouldn't be a problem but for the birth they will want to all be there.  This is just one those rare times when my family and his family are going to be thrown together.  His parents won't want to leave and I really don't want to be there without my mom if MIL is there too.  I foresee the only help his mom being is just taking care of Andrea and nothing else.  She doesn't cook very much.  Which leaves me with all the cooking and cleaning........

SuperSecretStatus

BebeOnBoard said:

Why can't you just have them come at separate times? I doubt your going to want all those people staying at once anyways.

This. Since your parents and grandparents are only coming for a few days just have his parents come afterward. My mom and my maternal grandparents were here before and after the birth of my first daughter. We didn't have to worry about DH's parents because they didn't come up, but 3 bedrooms should be plenty if you switch out.

MrsMommyQ

Those first few weeks home with a new baby are not always the easiest. Everyone is tired, and trying to establish a routine. You'll barely find time to eat and shower and feel normal, let alone deal with people being in your house. Personally the only one I wanted around was DH and my mom.

If I were you, I'd tell hubby that anyone else who wants to come is welcome to visit, but they cannot stay in your house. Also, if HIS parents are going to be around, he should be home for some of it--not at work leaving you to take care of baby and "entertain" his family. 

Good luck--it's not easy juggling what everyone else wants and what you need. DH invited people over left and right after we had DD. One time I even cooked dinner for the friends he invited over and I was so pissed. I just wanted to relax in my pjs and not entertain anyone. This time I put my foot down and I'll be much less welcoming till I'm ready.

bkeane619

I don't understand what it is about MILs that they think we want their help after baby is born if we have a good relationship with our own Mothers.  Of course we are going to want our own Mothers to be there with us and not the MIL.  I don't really understand why the great grandparents of the baby need to come stay with you at this time they should come later and the ILs should stay at a hotel for right after the baby is born and come and stay with you in a couple of weeks.

tbug082810

This is just me, but I wouldn't let ANYONE stay with us when we get home. Hotel, yes, but not in my house. You need your time to establish a routine and not have to worry about guests in your home. Not to say they can't come visit, but then they go back to the hotel at night so you can do your thing. I was stressed out just reading that scenario. Good Luck!

mommyilene

Sorry I disagree about the ownership of the bed.  They spent $1000 on a bed so they wouldn't have to stay in a hotel.  We all agreed that the bed was to use when my parents came to visit.  What I can't seem to get my hubby to see is that a couple of days (which I'll probably still be the hospital if they go ahead with the c-section) after Andrea is born, my dad will have to drive back because he works and he will take my grandparents with him.  If the inlaws stay longer than a couple of days then I asked my mom not leave like she had originally intended.

My grandparents just want to be at the hospital when the baby is born.  I can't and won't deny anyone who wants to be at the hospital when the baby is born.

BebeOnBoard

mommyilene said:

Sorry I disagree about the ownership of the bed.  They spent $1000 on a bed so they wouldn't have to stay in a hotel.  We all agreed that the bed was to use when my parents came to visit.  What I can't seem to get my hubby to see is that a couple of days (which I'll probably still be the hospital if they go ahead with the c-section) after Andrea is born, my dad will have to drive back because he works and he will take my grandparents with him.  If the inlaws stay longer than a couple of days then I asked my mom not leave like she had originally intended.

My grandparents just want to be at the hospital when the baby is born.  I can't and won't deny anyone who wants to be at the hospital when the baby is born.

Well then hubs is going to have to man up and tell his parents it's hotel or nothing. If I felt as strongly as you- that's what I would do. At least until your parents leave town.

Alexandrap

I don't think your father requesting the use of the bed he is purchasing to be a bad thing. He did say that he didn't are what happened to it so long as they had use when they visited, hence the whole point of buying the bed in the first place. I understand your mom wanting to be there as soon as you get home this being her first grandchild and all.

I think the best scenario would be to have everyone visit at different times. You said you parents would leave after a few days and then come back right? So for ex: your mom comes for 3 days and then leaves. Why then can't MIL come when they leave and then leave before your own mother comes back. I understand you want time alone with DD but you will have the rest of your life with her.

I suggest get this little hiccup out of the way and you will have plenty of time with DD. That's just what I would do to tune down the drama.

BlessUrHeart29

Wow, that is a TON of people to have staying with you right after the baby is born. I totally agree with the previous suggestion that if your parents are only planning to be around for a few days, ask that your in-laws wait until they leave to come visit. Personally, i would be really overwhelmed by all those extra people right off the bat.

KerCo51

The whole thing about your parents purchasing a bed and claiming a spot in your house because of it sounds really strange to me.  I would have turned that down immediately and honestly, I don't think that should have anything to do with your decision.

With that said, this is the time for you to be selfish.  You should only have people staying there to help you and you should not be expected to entertain.  So unless they are expecting to change diapers, give you time to sleep, and feed themselves, they shouldn't be there for an extended time.  So if that's just your mother or parents, then that's who should stay.  But I would make that very clear and forget about the whole bed situation.

sfshorter

Good luck. I just don't get how so many adults have such a hard time telling their parents how they feel. It baffles me. If they drive a Lexus and can afford hundreds in gas, then surely they can afford a hotel room. They would probably be more comfortable there anyways. After your parents leave they can stay in your extra room. You have x amount of space and y amount of guests, so someone is going to have to grow some balls and tell some parents they can't stay.

allymp13

Aside from the whole bed issue. I'd be more concerned with feeding these people, cleaning up after them and doing all their laundry (towels, linens etc) after just having a baby!

kimbo1216

Not going to lie. It got long and I didn't read the whole thing. I think I got the gist of it though. Old people get the bed. Period the end. It doesn't matter who drives the furthest. If they don't like it, then maybe everyone should split up when people come. And them driving a Lexus and having to get the most expensive gas is not your problem. They can either make camp on the floor or couch or get a hotel. Their choice. Stop over thinking it. It's not your problem.

kimbo1216

@allymp13, when you have guests after a baby, different rules apply. Doing all that stuf is not your concern. They are there to see the baby and help out. Not or you to entertain and feed them. If anything, they should take on all/most of those responsibilities.

allymp13

kimbo1216 said:

@allymp13, when you have guests after a baby, different rules apply. Doing all that stuf is not your concern. They are there to see the baby and help out. Not or you to entertain and feed them. If anything, they should take on all/most of those responsibilities.

I know that's the general idea, but having 6 people in your house and 2 of them being in their 70s. I don't see how it's not going to leave her and her DH with unecessary work after they leave. I know for certain no one cleans my house the way I like it to be done.

Chrisanna0508

 

mommyilene said:

 I can't and won't deny anyone who wants to be at the hospital when the baby is born.

This is just absurd. If this is how you feel then I think you just need to stop complaining and accept that things are going to be assholes and elbows. If you are really concerned about all the people then throw this crap to the wind and set some ground rules.  This is going to have to happen sooner or later otherwise both of your families will be running your and your child's lives. 

elllaf

1. I cannot believe you allowed your dad to buy the bed, set rules for it (as nice and simple as they sound) and then stick up for it. It's super strange. However you DID agree to it so you and YH have to honor it now. If they choose to let Their parents use it then great.

2. I cannot believe you are entertaining the idea of having 3 couples stay in your 3 bedroom house immediately after coming home from the hospital.

I live in a 3 bedroom home too. I'm cringing at the mere thought of fitting that many plus getting used to a newborn. I'm a ftm and I don't even know what that all entails and I'm horrified for you!

3. It sounds like you want your husband to tell his parents they can't stay.
Why can't you pick up the phone and tell your IL's yourself? You're going to be a mother now...time to act like it.
Stop trying to accommodate everyone.
THEY should be accommodating YOU.

If this were me the GGP wouldn't be staying in my house period. And the my parents and my IL's would be coming at separate times.
Don't like it? Too bad for them.

lovelittlebean

How about NO? It is your house, your baby, etc. I cannot even begin to imagine having visitors at my house as soon as I leave the hospital. Sounds like a whole bunch of NO to me!

yesthisiskim0401

All I can add to this thread is that I think you're an asshole for not wanting your MIL there immediately because "she has her own daughter/grandchildren" after you admitted that SIL's ex-H pulled the same shit you are. This is her chance to be there and experience it and this is still her grand child. Congratulations, you're an asshat.

hartsl01

Wow... brave lady having your parents, in-laws and grandparents in your house right after baby! I applaud you. Both my parents and in-laws live 2-3 hours away and DH and I have already told both of them that when we come home, our house better be empty. Yes, it's a first grandchild for both of them, but it's our first child. They've already gone through the experience of bringing a baby home and now it is our turn. I know they are just a phone call away if we need anything. But we don't want to rely on having them around. They'll visit us in the hospital and can even stay at our house when we are in the hospital, but as soon as we're home, they are out! It's our child and our rules. Fortunately for us, both sets of parents understand and fully respect that. I hope it all works out for you! Sounds like a lot of unnecessary stress. 

Weljadraak

People gave you some good advice.  Considering that's the reason for this post, you should take it.  Otherwise, you're fucked.  Sorry.

mommyilene

yesthisiskim0401 said:

All I can add to this thread is that I think you're an asshole for not wanting your MIL there immediately because "she has her own daughter/grandchildren" after you admitted that SIL's ex-H pulled the same shit you are. This is her chance to be there and experience it and this is still her grand child. Congratulations, you're an asshat.

Until you have walked in my shoes with that woman and put up with all the crap I've had to put up with don't you dare judge me!! I hope your MIL is ten times better than mine. While I know I don't have the worst MIL I certainly have no where near the best. I found out today that my MIL made some snide remarks about my sewing LO a bunch of things. My mom is a sewer and loves to sew. That is her thing.

Oh and I'm not denying my MIL to come and stay for a week after LO is born. I just wanted the first week for me, hubby, and LO by ourselves. Then let MIL come help for about a week. In my post I never said I was denying anyone to come help. I simply wanted 1 week. My SIL ex wouldn't let MIL come AT ALL!! He was the jerk!!

lawyerlindsay

sfshorter said:

Good luck. I just don't get how so many adults have such a hard time telling their parents how they feel. It baffles me. If they drive a Lexus and can afford hundreds in gas, then surely they can afford a hotel room. They would probably be more comfortable there anyways. After your parents leave they can stay in your extra room. You have x amount of space and y amount of guests, so someone is going to have to grow some balls and tell some parents they can't stay.

This.

yesthisiskim0401

mommyilene said:

yesthisiskim0401 said:

All I can add to this thread is that I think you're an asshole for not wanting your MIL there immediately because "she has her own daughter/grandchildren" after you admitted that SIL's ex-H pulled the same shit you are. This is her chance to be there and experience it and this is still her grand child. Congratulations, you're an asshat.

Until you have walked in my shoes with that woman and put up with all the crap I've had to put up with don't you dare judge me!! I hope your MIL is ten times better than mine. While I know I don't have the worst MIL I certainly have no where near the best. I found out today that my MIL made some snide remarks about my sewing LO a bunch of things. My mom is a sewer and loves to sew. That is her thing.

Oh and I'm not denying my MIL to come and stay for a week after LO is born. I just wanted the first week for me, hubby, and LO by ourselves. Then let MIL come help for about a week. In my post I never said I was denying anyone to come help. I simply wanted 1 week. My SIL ex wouldn't let MIL come AT ALL!! He was the jerk!!

First of all, you gave us ZERO background info in your long ass post. You could have easily said "and MIL and I do not get along" and I would have said "gurl, I feel ya". Because honestly, I can guaran-fucking-tee my MIL is 10 times worse than yours. And I still don't deny her seeing her grandchildren (she does that part by herself, anyways).

Secondly, calm yo tits. You're the one who decided to air your worries here and ask our opinions. You cannot control the answers you get. If you don't want to hear what we think then don't fucking ask. It's a simple equation.

I hope you figure out whatever works best for you.