WWYD? Ticker warning, loss mentioned

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

Found out yesterday that my cousin's newborn son was born with a collapsed lung yesterday at 40w3d and went to be with Corbin and all our angels 5 hours after his birth. Back when we were in college, my cousin and I were very close. He met his now wife and quit communicating with everyone on our side of the family. DH and I have been around her 4 times in the past 4 years - once was their wedding, once was our grandfather's funeral, once at my cousin's sister's wedding and once at another cousin's wedding.

My dilemma - they live 3 hours away. Not a huge deal. My entire family is up there and we're more than willing to make the trip. However, I'm 24 weeks pregnant and definitely showing no matter what I wear. Because I've been in their shoes, I know that seeing pregnant women can trigger some of us. It never bothered me but I can see why it would bother her. DH thinks we should just go up there anyway and just deal with it. Part of me wants to physically be there and part of me thinks it's better to lend an ear via phone and keep a respectable distance. Not knowing her I can't begin to figure out what she would think. I'm waiting to hear back from my aunt to see what she thinks but I'm torn.

What would you do if you were me?

Mrs Nice · August 2013

I am so sorry for your cousins loss! I would reach out to your cousin directly either by phone or email. Tell him that you would like to be there for them and support them in any way you can but since you have been in their shoes, you are sensitive to how she may feel about seeing a pregnant woman. Being a loss mom yourself, I'm sure you know the best things to say and what not to say. I know when we first lost Ian, I didn't want to see anyone except immediate family. And I am really close with my extended family. So I guess my answer would be that, for now, reach out from afar. Only make the trip if your cousin asks you to.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

He doesn't have email and we're not sure the phone number we have for him still works. DH and I did text him yesterday night just to say "we're here for you" and to see if the number still works. We didn't hear back but we really weren't expecting too.

That's just it. We were bombarded by people and phone calls so I'm sensitive to that but at the same time, the people who were most helpful to us was a couple we know that lost their child when he was 6. They gave the best advise and I loved having them around. I know we can offer the best support but do they want it? He became a completely different person after he stopped talking to us and I don't know her that well.

OSUWifey09 · August 2013

***SIGGY***

Maybe talk to any family members who are up there [and have gone to visit your cousin] to see what they think, or get a vibe as to how things are going with the cousin and his wife? I think I would make the trip, just to be there and to offer the support. I know it's such a fine line to walk since you're expecting, but I think I would go [especially if you're comfortable making the trip]. I'm so sorry for their loss.

jbranden12 · August 2013

I would stay home. It's not worth the risk of hurting his wife when she is really raw because that could inhibit your ability to bond and help them heal later.

Send a heartfelt card offering your support as they start this journey and follow it up with emails/texts, continuously giving them the option of talking with you guys but not forcing them to before they're ready. Maybe you could send it by way of a family member so it's more personal than mail, along with something to eat?

angelsnight · August 2013

jbranden12 said:

I would stay home. It's not worth the risk of hurting his wife when she is really raw because that could inhibit your ability to bond and help them heal later.

Send a heartfelt card offering your support as they start this journey and follow it up with emails/texts, continuously giving them the option of talking with you guys but not forcing them to before they're ready. Maybe you could send it by way of a family member so it's more personal than mail, along with something to eat?

Ticker warning

This. Right after my loss it would have been very hard to get a visit by a pregnant woman, especially if I didn't know her that well (ie I think I could handle it better if it were my best friend, but probably not MH's cousin). I think a card, letting them know if they want to talk you are there for them, and maybe send some food or a gift card so they don't have to cook. I'm so sorry for their loss.

Bayberry12 · August 2013

Oh it is just so sad that another family is going through such a horrific loss. I am so sorry your family is dealing with this pain, again.

I agree that it may not be a good idea to go see her right away, especially since she is not a close friend of yours. But, If they are having funeral or memorial open to family I would think it would be a nice gesture to attend that. There were some family members that wanted to give me my "space" right after my loss, and they still haven't made an effort to see me. And it really hurts me that when I needed people most, they weren't there.

I also think a card/letter is a good idea. You will know what she needs to hear. You are right you and you husband will be the best source of support for them, you know how they are feeling and what they are going through. I think email, text, or a letter is a great way to start the communication.

OSUWifey09 · August 2013

I can see the whole "stay and wait" thing, but if you do want to go, maybe just see your cousin and not his wife? You have family up there that you could stay with, right? Maybe you could still go up there and be with family without actually seeing her. Just a thought.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · August 2013

OSUWifey09 said:

I can see the whole "stay and wait" thing, but if you do want to go, maybe just see your cousin and not his wife? You have family up there that you could stay with, right? Maybe you could still go up there and be with family without actually seeing her. Just a thought.

Yes. My folks live close as well as other family members. I was able to get a hold of my aunt. The arrangements should be made this afternoon at some point so I'm going to wait and see what was decided and work from there.

Noethola · August 2013

It was weeks later when it became really hard for me to see other pregnant women. And like you Flutter, I really appreciated hearing from the people who had been through it and really KNEW what I was going through.

I would go to be available since you have family up there. I would wait for your Aunt to say its ok to visit them, but yes I would go.

shandorfml2 · August 2013

Wow, so sorry. I agree with PPs to not go see her yet, but call, send a card and maybe a gift card for food or gas? Send an email or fb message or something saying you are there to support her. Do you guys have a support group you could recommend? You could send just H, or you can go and just see the husband...bring food for them?

cawettig · August 2013

I agree with this. I hated seeing pregnant people when I lost Arianna. Still hurts to see them.

bunnycakes011508 · August 2013

Personally, what I would do is go and give her a big hug. But I should warn you that sometimes my well-intended decisions don't always go as well as I hoped. I personally really appreciate any and all comfort right now, even from new mothers and pregnant women, but everyone is different. Perhaps you can see if she would be upset by your visit or comforted by it by asking a family member or something. Good luck.