I'm not sure where to start. I've lurked a bit, and my heart has gone out to each of you and your significant others.
There's a link to my blog in my signature (last I checked all the tickers and u/s photos were gone) for those that want the vast majority of details. I can also provide links to the Dec13 threads, but I'm not sure if they would cause pain for other women if they accidentally scroll down and see responses with tickers and u/s photos.
My little man was always measuring small. I was told it wasn't a big concerned, and was referred to a perinatologist for SCHs, clinically insignificant ACAs, and because I was overly anxious and, as a trained molecular geneticist, I think my normal ob wanted me to have care above and beyond her norm. I never felt like things were right. I always thought something was wrong with little man; unfortunately I was correct. I was so worried about my 18 week a/s I couldn't eat before the appointment. I shoved down a bit of orange juice hoping it would invigorate little man a bit, but no dice. I watched the a/s for a bit and noticed how small his limbs were measuring - 2 weeks, almost three weeks behind. I was terrified to see the brain and spine because my AFP was elevated. I stopped watching and cried the entire scan. My peri came in and said many things concerned her, but most of all she was worried about a Dandy Walker malformation in the brain. She did an amnio immediately and referred me to Columbia-NY Presbyterian for Friday. I met with all sorts of specialists, and they had the same grim prognosis. All said it's a matter of time, and that they would endorse our making the most difficult decision. and we have made it. tomorrow is the prep for my D&E on Friday.
I'm so depressed, angry, and infuriated. We are waiting on a boatload of genetic screening (I had Counsyl & karyotyping pre-TTC, DH just had Counsyl and his karyotype was drawn Friday), and the fetal microarry will likely take a few weeks, and the whole exome sequencing even longer.
It will obviously take us a long time to heal from this. What
hurts the most is that there is no way to heal this pain. There is no
way to fix it. There is literally no way to put the pieces of hope and
dreams back together. There's nothing to stop the pain, and there is
nothing that will make future pregnancies any easier. They already feel
tainted. I feel like we lost our innocence through all the
miscarriages, and now, with this pregnancy, I'm left with anger. I'm
mourning a life that will never truly come to be, yet was already full
of so much love. I'm mourning DH and I's sense of innocence, our faith
that things will be okay. In the end we will come to terms with this
and accept the fate, but it will never, ever be okay.
is over DH and I are going to take a long trip to Italy and do
our best to heal together. I will drink copious amounts of espresso,
red wine and questionable cheeses. We are likely going to spend
abroad because it's going to be too difficult to be here on my EDD and
plan to move (though we will stay in our current area) because it's time
for a change of scenery. I'm
going to have olive trees planted in our parents backyards (we nicknamed little one olive at about 7 weeks), and hope
that they grow big and strong. We will find peace, even though it will
be at the end of a very long road.
4 years ago I lost my best
friend to cystic fibrosis. if there is a heaven, I hope she finds my
little man and takes him under her wing.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope to become a supportive member of this community. Please let me know if I touched on any areas that are faux pas, so I avoid making the same mistake twice.