Late Term and Child Loss
golfingdarwinfish
member
Introduction (TFMR mentioned)
golfingdarwinfish
member
Hello ladies...
I'm not sure where to start. I've lurked a bit, and my heart has gone out to each of you and your significant others.
There's a link to my blog in my signature (last I checked all the tickers and u/s photos were gone) for those that want the vast majority of details. I can also provide links to the Dec13 threads, but I'm not sure if they would cause pain for other women if they accidentally scroll down and see responses with tickers and u/s photos.
My little man was always measuring small. I was told it wasn't a big concerned, and was referred to a perinatologist for SCHs, clinically insignificant ACAs, and because I was overly anxious and, as a trained molecular geneticist, I think my normal ob wanted me to have care above and beyond her norm. I never felt like things were right. I always thought something was wrong with little man; unfortunately I was correct. I was so worried about my 18 week a/s I couldn't eat before the appointment. I shoved down a bit of orange juice hoping it would invigorate little man a bit, but no dice. I watched the a/s for a bit and noticed how small his limbs were measuring - 2 weeks, almost three weeks behind. I was terrified to see the brain and spine because my AFP was elevated. I stopped watching and cried the entire scan. My peri came in and said many things concerned her, but most of all she was worried about a Dandy Walker malformation in the brain. She did an amnio immediately and referred me to Columbia-NY Presbyterian for Friday. I met with all sorts of specialists, and they had the same grim prognosis. All said it's a matter of time, and that they would endorse our making the most difficult decision. and we have made it. tomorrow is the prep for my D&E on Friday.
I'm so depressed, angry, and infuriated. We are waiting on a boatload of genetic screening (I had Counsyl & karyotyping pre-TTC, DH just had Counsyl and his karyotype was drawn Friday), and the fetal microarry will likely take a few weeks, and the whole exome sequencing even longer.
It will obviously take us a long time to heal from this. What hurts the most is that there is no way to heal this pain. There is no way to fix it. There is literally no way to put the pieces of hope and dreams back together. There's nothing to stop the pain, and there is nothing that will make future pregnancies any easier. They already feel tainted. I feel like we lost our innocence through all the miscarriages, and now, with this pregnancy, I'm left with anger. I'm mourning a life that will never truly come to be, yet was already full of so much love. I'm mourning DH and I's sense of innocence, our faith that things will be okay. In the end we will come to terms with this and accept the fate, but it will never, ever be okay.
Once this is over DH and I are going to take a long trip to Italy and do our best to heal together. I will drink copious amounts of espresso, red wine and questionable cheeses. We are likely going to spend Christmas abroad because it's going to be too difficult to be here on my EDD and plan to move (though we will stay in our current area) because it's time for a change of scenery. I'm going to have olive trees planted in our parents backyards (we nicknamed little one olive at about 7 weeks), and hope that they grow big and strong. We will find peace, even though it will be at the end of a very long road.
4 years ago I lost my best friend to cystic fibrosis. if there is a heaven, I hope she finds my little man and takes him under her wing.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope to become a supportive member of this community. Please let me know if I touched on any areas that are faux pas, so I avoid making the same mistake twice.
I'm not sure where to start. I've lurked a bit, and my heart has gone out to each of you and your significant others.
There's a link to my blog in my signature (last I checked all the tickers and u/s photos were gone) for those that want the vast majority of details. I can also provide links to the Dec13 threads, but I'm not sure if they would cause pain for other women if they accidentally scroll down and see responses with tickers and u/s photos.
My little man was always measuring small. I was told it wasn't a big concerned, and was referred to a perinatologist for SCHs, clinically insignificant ACAs, and because I was overly anxious and, as a trained molecular geneticist, I think my normal ob wanted me to have care above and beyond her norm. I never felt like things were right. I always thought something was wrong with little man; unfortunately I was correct. I was so worried about my 18 week a/s I couldn't eat before the appointment. I shoved down a bit of orange juice hoping it would invigorate little man a bit, but no dice. I watched the a/s for a bit and noticed how small his limbs were measuring - 2 weeks, almost three weeks behind. I was terrified to see the brain and spine because my AFP was elevated. I stopped watching and cried the entire scan. My peri came in and said many things concerned her, but most of all she was worried about a Dandy Walker malformation in the brain. She did an amnio immediately and referred me to Columbia-NY Presbyterian for Friday. I met with all sorts of specialists, and they had the same grim prognosis. All said it's a matter of time, and that they would endorse our making the most difficult decision. and we have made it. tomorrow is the prep for my D&E on Friday.
I'm so depressed, angry, and infuriated. We are waiting on a boatload of genetic screening (I had Counsyl & karyotyping pre-TTC, DH just had Counsyl and his karyotype was drawn Friday), and the fetal microarry will likely take a few weeks, and the whole exome sequencing even longer.
It will obviously take us a long time to heal from this. What hurts the most is that there is no way to heal this pain. There is no way to fix it. There is literally no way to put the pieces of hope and dreams back together. There's nothing to stop the pain, and there is nothing that will make future pregnancies any easier. They already feel tainted. I feel like we lost our innocence through all the miscarriages, and now, with this pregnancy, I'm left with anger. I'm mourning a life that will never truly come to be, yet was already full of so much love. I'm mourning DH and I's sense of innocence, our faith that things will be okay. In the end we will come to terms with this and accept the fate, but it will never, ever be okay.
Once this is over DH and I are going to take a long trip to Italy and do our best to heal together. I will drink copious amounts of espresso, red wine and questionable cheeses. We are likely going to spend Christmas abroad because it's going to be too difficult to be here on my EDD and plan to move (though we will stay in our current area) because it's time for a change of scenery. I'm going to have olive trees planted in our parents backyards (we nicknamed little one olive at about 7 weeks), and hope that they grow big and strong. We will find peace, even though it will be at the end of a very long road.
4 years ago I lost my best friend to cystic fibrosis. if there is a heaven, I hope she finds my little man and takes him under her wing.
I apologize for the length of this post, but I hope to become a supportive member of this community. Please let me know if I touched on any areas that are faux pas, so I avoid making the same mistake twice.
Loss Blog (finally updated)
5 cycles of "TTC" - 3 intentional, 2 not so intentional. 5 BFPs. My rainbow arrived 10/15/14.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Introduction (TFMR mentioned)
My Blog
BFP# 1 7/7/12 Beautiful DD born still at 36 weeks 5 days on 3/2/13
Diagnosed with PCOS in 2005. Started Metformin July 2013
Please be our rainbow!!
**All AL Welcome**
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
8/12-Suprise BFP- Sweet Bunny Born Sleeping 11/21/12 (19 weeks)
-5/7/13- MMC (8 Weeks)
11/6/13- BO discovered at 7 weeks- natural MC 11/25/13
8/14- Surpise IF dx...low AMH (.24)- moving on to IVF
IVF #1- 11/14- 6R5M4F=2 perfect frosties
12/19/14- FET of 2 embabies = BFP!!! One Little Bean EDD: 9/3/15
Everyone Welcome.
***siggy warning***
I am so sorry for you loss. The journey ahead is long and difficult but you are not alone. We're here for you whenever you need us.
DH and I moved last year and went to Italy too! It was an amazing trip (and the food is incredible!) I love olive trees, I wish we had the climate where I live to support them.
Wishing you peace and love.
In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be
corbinsmommy.blogspot.com
i am so sorry that you are going through this . We are all here for you when you need us. Hugs and thinking of you and sending support for tomorrow.
Heather
Brooke Elizabeth born Feb 17, 2013 grew wings May 9, 2013 @ 11 weeks & 4 days old from SIDS
I'm so, so sorry; I hate that you're going through what you're going through, that you had to make such a difficult decision. As pp said, we have all been through hell, so do not be afraid to come on this board to vent, to get your anger out, to lean on us. We're all here for you.
Sending lots of hugs, Ts and Ps for you today, tomorrow and for the weeks to come.
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son. ((hugs)). You are in a really great place for support, although I wish I didn't have to welcome you here.
One of my great friends lost her daughter who was also diagnosed with dandy walker malformation. She was faced with having to make the same incredibly hard decision. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My heart is with you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.
BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.
BFP#2 - 6/18/12 EDD 2/23/13, sweet baby girl born sleeping on 10/4/12 at 19 weeks, 3 days.
BFP #3 - 1/18/13 EDD 10/1/13, natural mc on 2/2/13 at 5 weeks, 4 days.
BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section
When you said "In the end we will come to terms with this and accept the fate, but it will never, ever be okay." that's exactly what I've been saying the past 2 months. THIS, our experience, losing our babies, will NEVER be okay, but eventually, we'll come to terms with it and WE (DH and I) will be okay.
This board has been an amazing support system - please lean on us as much as you need!
Many, many prayers...
I am so sorry for your loss. I had a December due date as well, my Hope Olivia was due on Christmas Eve. I don't know how I will get through the Christmas season. No words can explain or even bring comfort to you. I know the anger and unfairness of why some babies go too soon is so overwhelming. Please know that all of us here are here for you and will try to bring you as much comfort as we can. I will be thinking about you and your family on Friday.
TTC#1 since June 2011. 3 early losses before 6 weeks. Hope Olivia born and went to heaven July 26, 2013.
TFMC 08.02.13 at 19+ weeks. Everyday I grieve for my little Olive.
Ava's Story
BFP#2 10/18/13 Blighted ovum 11/25/13
BFP #3 1/31/14 EDD 10/18/14 -- It's a GIRL!
***Congratulations to my TTCAL buddy Roxyttandme!! It's a GIRL!! Charlotte arrived on 9/29!!!!***
PGaL/PAL Always Welcome!!