Loosing it. (Rainbow mentioned)

cawettig

I haven't posted in a while. I've been so busy with work. My loss pain has been buried deep down lately. I've pushed it down and haven't acknowledged it in a long time. I guess I have been avoiding the pain of thinking about it. But nothing stays away. The pain always comes back and throws you off.
I have posted in the past with struggling to deal with my close friends pregnancy (who is also my babysitter). Since I found out we were expecting it was a tad bit easier to talk to her. It still burned my chest when she talked about bring miserable and couldn't wait for it to be over.
I was able to text her when she went in to have the baby. I was trying to be very short with her and checking how she was. I didn't want to know any details though. Just to know it was all going safe and ok. I didn't hear from her for awhile and I knew why but I didn't acknowledge it. Then I received a text from her husband on his number, a pic of her holding her healthy baby boy. I died right there. She knew not to send me any pics and she said she wouldn't.
I am back to square one again. How is it that they get a healthy baby? We were supposed to have our babies grow up together. We have pics of our bumps together. We would joke around about all the cute pics we would get done together.
I can not stand her husband right now. He never bugged me as bad as he does right now. He bitched all the time how she was pregnant and he didn't care about her appointments if she made it or not. Ugh. How is it that that asshole gets to be a dad again? I hate him so much right now.
To top it all off dh is not effected by it at all. He is best friends with her husband. He isn't hurting like I am. He can text them about the baby. He was happy for them. He was on the phone with them when he got in the truck with me saying "cool man I can't wait to see him I will come by tomorrow". He hung up and looked over at me and immediately knew he hurt me. I couldn't stop crying. I told him I didn't want him to go see it. How dare he go to a baby ward and hold a healthy baby??!! How dare he by not being hurt like I am. He said sarcasticly that he won't go see it. Then tonight my oldest son tells me how he went with my dh to see the baby yest. I asked him what he did yest. He didn't tell me he went.
I am so mad I can't stop crying. I want to let dh hear it and have him feel just a fraction of much that hurt me. I can't even breath right now it hurts so bad.
I don't know how to function right now. I am so happy I am pregnant again. But deep down I am telling my self to not get attached to this baby. I know if I do it will hurt so bad when I loose the baby.
I don't know what to do. I have lost my mind again.

Noethola

I am so very sorry. Your DH and yourself both had a very different relationship with your daughter. You will also respond to your grief very differently. 

My DH wanted to hold babies, see babies and be around babies. He wanted to know there was hope for us for the future. He wanted to be thankful that there was a living baby and the fact that this baby's parents would not have to go what we went through. His way of expressing love, grief, etc is to do something physical. For him, it wasn't crying, it was holding babies. 

I know it is an added hurt that you feel like your DH lied to you about seeing the baby. I am sure he was just trying to spare your feelings after telling someone he would come see the baby. My DH would be that way. It doesnt mean he isnt grieving your daughter. 

You havent lost your mind. And dont let your previous experience keep you getting attached and loving this baby for as long as you have it. Losing your baby will hurt whether you let yourself get attached or not. If you do lose the baby, you have a bigger possibility of regretting not doing more than doing less. Allow yourself to grieve your daughter. Its ok to not be ok.

princezjk

Just wanted to send you some (((hugs)))

shandorfml2

Big hugs, I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. Grief comes in waves. H is grieving differently, and I think all us loss mamas know that all to well. Lots of big hugs to you!

PerkyErky

Big huge hugs! I completely understand your hurt from the actions from your husband. I would be livid and even more upset with the lie by omission. You're not crazy and it's ok to not be alright right now. 

angelsnight

Noethola said:

I am so very sorry. Your DH and yourself both had a very different relationship with your daughter. You will also respond to your grief very differently. 

My DH wanted to hold babies, see babies and be around babies. He wanted to know there was hope for us for the future. He wanted to be thankful that there was a living baby and the fact that this baby's parents would not have to go what we went through. His way of expressing love, grief, etc is to do something physical. For him, it wasn't crying, it was holding babies. 

I know it is an added hurt that you feel like your DH lied to you about seeing the baby. I am sure he was just trying to spare your feelings after telling someone he would come see the baby. My DH would be that way. It doesnt mean he isnt grieving your daughter. 

You havent lost your mind. And dont let your previous experience keep you getting attached and loving this baby for as long as you have it. Losing your baby will hurt whether you let yourself get attached or not. If you do lose the baby, you have a bigger possibility of regretting not doing more than doing less. Allow yourself to grieve your daughter. Its ok to not be ok.

Ticker warning

Very well said, I can't really add much more, but just wanted to say I am so sorry you're hurting.  Big big hugs to you.

hopefulmom88

I agree with what PP's have said and men just handle things differently.  I'm positive though that he does love your daughter and he is grieving your loss.  ((Hugs)) I hope that it will get easier in the coming days.

BrittianyM

Sending extra thoughts & prayers your way. I wish I could hug you.

Dixon813

I constantly have to remind myself that DH didn't have the same experience as I did.  He didn't feel their every move - they weren't growing in him, and because of that, he grieves differently than I do.  He's also much better about handling things then I am.  He sort of gives himself time to process everything, then is able to put things in a box (so to speak) and while he pulls that box out every once in awhile, the lid is closed on the box.  Me, on the other hand, I might be able to get things in the box, but I suck at putting the lid on!  (and this isn't just about handling grief, this also represents how we react to arguments or issues with our families or what not!)  I posted a few days that close friends are pregnant and I can't seem to be happy for them right now, but DH totally is.

I'm rambling and not helping at all... guess I just want to echo what Noethola said that just because he went to see the baby doesn't mean he isn't grieving your daughter...

Big hugs!!!