Ya kinda need to follow through BM

CFjo2010

Remember how a few weeks ago after juggling a fussy 7 month old while K was having her second root canal done I told DH that he and BM need to start making the Dr and Dentist appts for K and that I would no longer be taking her for them?  Yeah.....

I just received a voicemail from the Dentist’s office.  Apparently BM actually did make an appointment for K.  But surprise surprise, she didn't show up this morning so they called me to find out what happened and to reschedule.  I called DH and let him know, and he started asking when the next available appt is.  I gave him the number for the office and told him to call and find out.  Now I’m sitting here with my cellphone turned off so that he and/or BM can't text/call me to do the appt.  This is their mess to clean up, and I’m not doing it.

Lavender P

So proud of you for not jump in to clean up their mess! I would love to know in what world is it more efficient for DH to ask you what is available versus calling the dentist directly and not having four people involved in making one appointment.

danac2010

=D> =D> =D>

4luvof2boys

Did you and your DH ever get a chance to clear the air after his "you signed up for this" statement?  I'm glad you are putting the responsibility for K back on their plate.  I really felt bad for you a couple of posts ago.  You are always going above and beyond and getting punished for it.  Sending you many positive vibes.

HisChamaoleGirl

I am so glad at the way you handled this situation! There is no reason you should be "helping" them further than giving the dentist's number. I too am curious of what happened with the You know what you signed up for statement.

cole2144

Glad to hearing you are making your DH and BM take responsibility for their child. Good for you!

CFjo2010

4luvof2boys said: Did you and your DH ever get a chance to clear the air after his "you signed up for this" statement?  I'm glad you are putting the responsibility for K back on their plate.  I really felt bad for you a couple of posts ago.  You are always going above and beyond and getting punished for it.  Sending you many positive vibes.
The air was never "cleared".  I started to talk to him about it and he responded with, "Well you know I'm busy with work and BM is unreliable".  Um, so?  I wanted to say, "Just because you had unprotected sex with an unreliable and BSC person, that's doesn't mean I signed up for this", but I didn't.  I just said, "You and BM are K's parents and need to either step up and act as such, or have something put in the CO giving me power to make medical decisions."  We haven't talked much since then.  I'm still really angry, but I'm just not going to take anymore on.  Unless it's an emergency situation, K is going to be hearing a lot of, "That's up to your mom and dad to figure out honey".

4luvof2boys

Well he ought to kiss your feet and apologize but I give you total credit for not blowing up.  That wouldn't help anything either.  Your plan to refer K back to her bio parents on all things is the most rational response to the whole thing.  They will soon realize how much you actually did for both of them without you having to argue your points.  Thanks for the update and good luck with the path forward.  I'm a little worried that your DH is going to crack under the pressure of handling his own responsibility.  But I am rooting for him and you both. 

CFjo2010

4luvof2boys said:

Well he ought to kiss your feet and apologize but I give you total credit for not blowing up.  That wouldn't help anything either.  Your plan to refer K back to her bio parents on all things is the most rational response to the whole thing.  They will soon realize how much you actually did for both of them without you having to argue your points.  Thanks for the update and good luck with the path forward.  I'm a little worried that your DH is going to crack under the pressure of handling his own responsibility.  But I am rooting for him and you both. 

I'm a little worried as well.  I think he's become far too complacent with having me handle everything, which is my own fault.  But he and BM need to stop waiting for the other one to do it (just so they can complain about the other one doing it) and just take action.  Between BM's open schedule all week long and DH's 1/2 work days on Fridays, there's no reason the two of them can't get this stuff taken care of without my help. 

Although I'll admit, I can't wait to hear BM's excuse for missing the appt that SHE made...  

8->

2chatter

I hate this whole situation for you.  Here, when I backed down from doing things like school registration for skids (for the same reason, hello, I have two of my own, is there a reason BM who SAH and is custodial cannot do more??) it meant one thing I did not anticipate - DH thinks skids are no reflection at all on me.  If I am hands off, no one considers their behavior to have anything to do with me.  Unfortunately, that's just not true.  ILs are always coming to me with things about skids like I have any influence or control.  So when you step back, and you and DH get back to a good place, make sure he understands that you not DOING things is not the same as you ABDICATING ALL involvement/credit/blame.  DH here was very, very zero sum for a while after he stepped up.    I hate these blended dynamics, if it's not one pitfall, it's another.

KTdidit

Great job on not stepping in and fixing everything for them! It sucks that you and your DH never really got to talk things out about the previous blowup though. Heres hoping you will eventually get to that point. Maybe give him more time to really feel the weight of the responsibility and the enormity of what you took on for them.

Ilumine

Good for you!

twister22

I'm glad you're sticking to your guns and following through on what you said you would do. DH needs to learn that he can't take advantage of you like that.

On your July 12th OP about this I said

"BM clearly doesn't care and isn't going to do it for K. And, you are the one who schedules and takes DS, DD, & PJ to appointments in your household. I don't think it's a crazy thing that DH expects you do the same for K. After all, she is kid in your household, and you love her like your own and are taking a huge part in raising her.

I would talk with DH. Maybe tell him that you don't mind being the one to schedule appointments for K and to take her to them, but that needs to be a clear thing. Tell him he needs to stop acting like he's going to do it if he expects you to. He likely wants you to be the one to do it, but is afraid to ask since K's your SK instead of your BK. Then, once you and DH are on the same page, email BM asking if she plans to take on an active role in K's health, or if BM expects that you and DH will handle it. Explain that you & DH have no issue being the one to handle the medical, but that you would like the CO to reflect that then"

I'm just curious - is it that you are now unwilling to schedule K's appointments regardless because you believe that it should fall soley on the bio parents? (If so, I don't think you're wrong in your thinking, per say.) Or is it that you're unwilling to schedule K's appts because of the way you have been treated by BM & DH? Would you be willing to start scheduling K's appts again if you & DH had a heart to heart & he started actually appreciating all you do?

CFjo2010

I'm just curious - is it that you are now unwilling to schedule K's appointments regardless because you believe that it should fall soley on the bio parents? (If so, I don't think you're wrong in your thinking, per say.) Or is it that you're unwilling to schedule K's appts because of the way you have been treated by BM & DH? Would you be willing to start scheduling K's appts again if you & DH had a heart to heart & he started actually appreciating all you do? It's a little of both.  But I think for the most part I'm just tired of being taken for granted by DH and then villainized by BM.  DH left me at K's appt with the 7 month old and my DD.  I spent 2 hours trying to console a fussy baby and be supportive of K while she was having the procedure done.  And he never frigging asked.  When I would make the appts I deliberately made them on his day off so that he could take her and I could stay with the other kids.  Just like when I schedule appts for my kids, I make sure to schedule them around when I can have PJ at daycare or DH home to watch her so that I'm not trying to juggle all the kids at once.

Whenever I do the appts for K BM turns around and says I'm "overstepping" and doing her job.  But then she doesn't follow through on what she should be doing for K and leavees it on me and DH.  And then DH leaves it on me.  I feel like there are 3 parental figures here (yes, I consider myself a parental figure in all this) and therefore 3 people need to be splitting the responsibility.  And it seems like 2 of those 3 people are perfectly content having me do all their work while they sit back and bitch about each other and bitch about me.  I'm not inclined to do any of the appts until the 2 of them step it up and start parenting their child.  

Oh and BM's excuse for missing the appt?  "I've been at work all day".  Dude, there's no way she's been at work since before 9 a.m.  The restaurant doesn't even open until 2 pm.

Lavender P

jobalchak said:

I'm just curious - is it that you are now unwilling to schedule K's appointments regardless because you believe that it should fall soley on the bio parents? (If so, I don't think you're wrong in your thinking, per say.) Or is it that you're unwilling to schedule K's appts because of the way you have been treated by BM & DH? Would you be willing to start scheduling K's appts again if you & DH had a heart to heart & he started actually appreciating all you do?

It's a little of both.  But I think for the most part I'm just tired of being taken for granted by DH and then villainized by BM.  DH left me at K's appt with the 7 month old and my DD.  I spent 2 hours trying to console a fussy baby and be supportive of K while she was having the procedure done.  And he never frigging asked.  When I would make the appts I deliberately made them on his day off so that he could take her and I could stay with the other kids.  Just like when I schedule appts for my kids, I make sure to schedule them around when I can have PJ at daycare or DH home to watch her so that I'm not trying to juggle all the kids at once.

Whenever I do the appts for K BM turns around and says I'm "overstepping" and doing her job.  But then she doesn't follow through on what she should be doing for K and leavees it on me and DH.  And then DH leaves it on me.  I feel like there are 3 parental figures here (yes, I consider myself a parental figure in all this) and therefore 3 people need to be splitting the responsibility.  And it seems like 2 of those 3 people are perfectly content having me do all their work while they sit back and bitch about each other and bitch about me.  I'm not inclined to do any of the appts until the 2 of them step it up and start parenting their child..

I think the biggest problem is that you are feeling unappreciated by your DH. He is "too busy" to be an active parent to K, but is trying to manage how you parent K. Instead of communicating with BM and handling K's appointments he is telling you how to do it better. It is much easier to tell omeone how to improve doing something rather than actually doing it. When you married him you signed up for being K's stepmom but you didn't sign up for being BM'S and DH's "whipping boy." they both put themselves first and conveniently blame you. BM can bitch all she wants about you overstepping, but if she is unable or unwilling to take care of her daughter's needs, you are not overstepping, you are parenting a poor little girl that is falling through the cracks of two families that she relies on. Personally, I've found that I'm willing to pretty much do anything for DH and SS as long it is recognized and appreciated that I'm providing a service or sacrificing for your family. Its not about always getting a grandiose thank you, but recognizing that I'm giving up my personal time and energy on doing something I'm not required to, and saving DH from having to do it. If it is taken for granted, then I just feel like a martyr and am hurting everyone in the situation because we all end up unhappy. Your DH needs to recognize all you do for K, for your kids and especially for him.

twister22

jobalchak said:

I'm just curious - is it that you are now unwilling to schedule K's appointments regardless because you believe that it should fall soley on the bio parents? (If so, I don't think you're wrong in your thinking, per say.) Or is it that you're unwilling to schedule K's appts because of the way you have been treated by BM & DH? Would you be willing to start scheduling K's appts again if you & DH had a heart to heart & he started actually appreciating all you do?

It's a little of both.  But I think for the most part I'm just tired of being taken for granted by DH and then villainized by BM.  DH left me at K's appt with the 7 month old and my DD.  I spent 2 hours trying to console a fussy baby and be supportive of K while she was having the procedure done.  And he never frigging asked.  When I would make the appts I deliberately made them on his day off so that he could take her and I could stay with the other kids.  Just like when I schedule appts for my kids, I make sure to schedule them around when I can have PJ at daycare or DH home to watch her so that I'm not trying to juggle all the kids at once.

Whenever I do the appts for K BM turns around and says I'm "overstepping" and doing her job.  But then she doesn't follow through on what she should be doing for K and leavees it on me and DH.  And then DH leaves it on me.  I feel like there are 3 parental figures here (yes, I consider myself a parental figure in all this) and therefore 3 people need to be splitting the responsibility.  And it seems like 2 of those 3 people are perfectly content having me do all their work while they sit back and bitch about each other and bitch about me.  I'm not inclined to do any of the appts until the 2 of them step it up and start parenting their child.  

Oh and BM's excuse for missing the appt?  "I've been at work all day".  Dude, there's no way she's been at work since before 9 a.m.  The restaurant doesn't even open until 2 pm.

I wish I could shake some sense into your DH - he needs to wake up and realize what a vital role you play in making the household run smoothly, and he needs to start appreciating you. I'm so mad for you, Jo. And BM is just BSC - you're d@mned if you do and you're d@mned if you don't - I would just do your best to ignore her and let DH do the communicating with her.

I'm sorry DH & BM are being sh!t heads. I think you're doing the right thing by stepping back and letting them figure their sh!t out.

CFjo2010

Oh I could scream...

So BM's excuse for missing the appt was that she was at work all day.  Um, K's appt was at 9 a.m., there's no way she was at work already.  More than likely BM overslept and that's why they didn't make it there.  She told DH she's going to try and have it rescheduled for this week, or else next week when K is with us.  DH tells me this and I just looked at him and said, "If that woman schedules anything while K is here then you better stay home and deal with it because I certainly am not."  Who does that?  Who just makes appts during the other parent's time and doesn't consult them first, or more importantly, consult the person who's going to end up being the one to take the child to the appt?

sweetwalks

I'm so frustrated for you. Definitely maddening that she would make an appt during your DH's time. Probably because history says she'll get to the appt because you'll take her.

Good for you for standing your ground. I hope your DH steps up

Lavender P

She really is a piece of work. Next time she accuses you of overstepping, tell her you wouldnt need to step in ever if she would be a good mom. Don't actually tell her that, but I'm so mad for you. P.S. Whatever time she makes the appointment for, tell your DH you have plans already.

CFjo2010

Lavender P said:

She really is a piece of work. Next time she accuses you of overstepping, tell her you wouldnt need to step in ever if she would be a good mom. Don't actually tell her that, but I'm so mad for you. P.S. Whatever time she makes the appointment for, tell your DH you have plans already.

Oops, I've already told her that...  Not over this appt, but over other issues that have come up.

Lavender P

I fully support it. She sucks.

CFjo2010

Lavender P said:

I fully support it. She sucks.

Ironically enough, it was over this same type of thing.  BM kept K out of school all week claiming that K had a fever.  Then she kept saying she was going to take K to the Dr, but scheduled the appt on that Friday, expecting me to take her (DH was out of town).  I already had planned to go on DD's field trip so I informed BM I couldn't take her and that she would need to arrange the appt during her time.  She flipped out and said I had "some nerve" to tell her what to do and that my "attitude regarding K's health was disappointing".  I freaking lost my sh!t.  I told her that the necessity of my constant involvement in K's health and BM's lack of involvement in her health care was disappointing and that if she would step up I wouldn't have to do her job for her.  Seriously.  There's no winning with that woman. 

4luvof2boys

What did your DH say when you told him he better be there to deal with it?  Was he understanding that this is his responsibility?  Or did he give you attitude for standing your ground?

CFjo2010

@4luvof2boys he just kinda stared at me.  I repeated myself and asked if he understood what I was saying.  I know that seems like me treating him like a child, but I really needed to know that he heard and understood what I was telling him.  He told me he understood and said he'd talk to BM and get it figured out.  We'll see if he handles this the right way.  

But I'm really angry again.  If he thinks I'm bluffing or tries to guilt me into doing this for him and BM I'm done.  Genuinely done.

twister22

jobalchak said:

Lavender P said:

I fully support it. She sucks.

Ironically enough, it was over this same type of thing.  BM kept K out of school all week claiming that K had a fever.  Then she kept saying she was going to take K to the Dr, but scheduled the appt on that Friday, expecting me to take her (DH was out of town).  I already had planned to go on DD's field trip so I informed BM I couldn't take her and that she would need to arrange the appt during her time.  She flipped out and said I had "some nerve" to tell her what to do and that my "attitude regarding K's health was disappointing".  I freaking lost my sh!t.  I told her that the necessity of my constant involvement in K's health and BM's lack of involvement in her health care was disappointing and that if she would step up I wouldn't have to do her job for her.  Seriously.  There's no winning with that woman. 

Good for you! That woman is BSC, and sure has some nerve. I wouldn't have stood silent when she's saying sh!t like that, because she's the type of crazy that would take your silence as agreement in what she's saying.

jobalchak said:

@4luvof2boys he just kinda stared at me.  I repeated myself and asked if he understood what I was saying.  I know that seems like me treating him like a child, but I really needed to know that he heard and understood what I was telling him.  He told me he understood and said he'd talk to BM and get it figured out.  We'll see if he handles this the right way.  

But I'm really angry again.  If he thinks I'm bluffing or tries to guilt me into doing this for him and BM I'm done.  Genuinely done.

If he wants you to do something, he needs to freaking ask, not guilt you into something or leave you stranded forcing you to do it. Stand your ground Jo. I'm waiting for him to get some sense and come apologize to you and realize how under appreciative he's been.

CFjo2010

piffle42 said: I really hope he steps up and apologizes. I also really hope that K's health doesn't suffer. Is there a point you would step in?

If there's a genuine emergency, then I will definitely step in and take care of K's needs.  

But considering I'm the one who took K to her initial Dental visit (after BM pitched a huge fit that K needed to get to the dentist ASAP) and I've taken her for her 2 root canals, there's no reason the 2 parents can't take her for her last appt.  Her parents need to start stepping up and taking an active role in K's health.  I'm already on the hook to take K to her physical next week, and that's all I'm doing.  

I have 3 other children that I have to take care of, and I receive zero help from DC and very little help from DH.  If I can manage to make sure my 3 kids are healthy, happy and getting the medical care they need on my own, there's no reason BM and DH can't take care of K's healthcare.  Especially if I'm getting attacked by BM everytime I do it.  If she wants to b!tch, let her be the one to do from now on.

Lavender P

I get that dental work can be serious but if Jo gives in now then all of the arguments will have been for nothing. I would never want K to suffer, but if her bio parents can learn from this, it is better and healthier for everyone involved in the long run. It is at the point where Jo and her DH are having issues because of it so I think standing her ground is definitely warranted. Plus it would be much worse for all four kids if things don't work out due to issues relating to K. Without Jo being responsible for her, K probably would go years without any appointments before her BD and BM figured it out. I am definitely the type of person that prefers to and advocates to keep the peace and suck it up for the good of the family. However, the best thing for the family is for Jo's DH to step up. If she ends up being the one to take K to the dentist, BM and DH will continue taking advantage of her.

J&A2008

I really hope he steps up and apologizes. I also really hope that K's health doesn't suffer. Is there a point you would step in?

Ditto. K definitely deserves three adult parents who put her needs first above petty bullshit. Hopefully you and DH can work it out so she can get one or hopefully two grown up parents.