Should this irritate me? — The Bump
Military Families

Should this irritate me?

My husband has a pregnant soldier and bc she doesn't have a vehicle he is required to take her to each of her appointments. She is a married soldier and doesn't have a driver's license. Her husband is stationed in another state and she lives in the barracks. The baby's father is a civilian. DH is not allotted the time to go to any of our LO's appointments. I understand "taking care of soldiers" but at what point is she going to "woman up" and take care of herself? The base she works on doesn't have a OB so DH takes her to another base to see her doctor. Because her base doesn't have an OB there is a shuttle that will take her to her doctor, but DH is still told to take her. Would this bother you? I'm just wondering how this girl is going to support her child and will my husband be required to take the child to it's doctors appointments too? Thoughts ?

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Re: Should this irritate me?

  • Yeah, if there is a shuttle then there's no reason for someone else to take her.   Except...well...if an appointment doesn't go well, then it would suck for her to be alone for that.  
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  • Avion22 said:
    Yeah, if there is a shuttle then there's no reason for someone else to take her.   Except...well...if an appointment doesn't go well, then it would suck for her to be alone for that.  

    In response to your last sentence, what about our unborn child's appointments? Shouldn't he be there with me for those in case the appointment doesn't go well? There's a lot about the situation that doesn't make sense to me

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    Maries1987
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  • Wait -- you're saying that he is being ORDERED to take this soldier to her OB appointments (despite there being a shuttle), but he is not allowed to take you to your appointments? Oh. Hell. No.
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    lizziemoore513[Deleted User]SaraJane137
  • Avion22 said:
    Wait -- you're saying that he is being ORDERED to take this soldier to her OB appointments (despite there being a shuttle), but he is not allowed to take you to your appointments? Oh. Hell. No.
    this is exactly what I am saying

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  • I would be pissed!!! How in the world is it ok or fair for your husband to be ORDERED to take another woman to the OB, especially when she can take a shuttle, and not let him go to any of your appointments. Besides the military, regardless of what branch she is in provides services of all sorts for her. And honestly if she wanted to go and get pregnant by some random guy who isn't her husband, proving that she doesn't really give a crap about things like that, your husband shouldn't have to be responsible for her. IMO. 
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  • kkangl161 said:
    I would be pissed!!! How in the world is it ok or fair for your husband to be ORDERED to take another woman to the OB, especially when she can take a shuttle, and not let him go to any of your appointments. Besides the military, regardless of what branch she is in provides services of all sorts for her. And honestly if she wanted to go and get pregnant by some random guy who isn't her husband, proving that she doesn't really give a crap about things like that, your husband shouldn't have to be responsible for her. IMO. 
    In response to the bolded, I think her not caring is why he is required to take her to her appointments. She has been in less than a year, got pregnant the second she reported to her first unit and bc she never went to inprocess OB,DH is responsible for ensuring she gets prenatal care.

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  • Yes your probably right now that I think about it. Still I would be having a fit if my husband was forced to essentially take care of her and not be able to go to your appointments. You would think that there has to be something else that can be done or at least let him attend your appointments too so it will be fair. 
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  • I would be pissed but if he's using a Government vehicle then I guess it's legit.  After all - she HAS to be at her appointments, just like you have to be at your appointments (otherwise those don't happen).  And if she wasn't mature enough to get proper prenatal care on her own then what else is the chain of command going to do?  If something happens to her because she hasn't been seen by a doctor they're going to be hung out to dry.  So the babysitting begins.  Gotta love the military!

    I'm sure if you were physically unable to drive, or just crazy enough not to want any prenatal care, or needed him to come get you then it would be a different story.  Sorry, that sucks.  If it's any consolation DH has only been to two of my appointments because of work.  
  • unless she is a flag officer or something and he is her designated driver this seems a little ridiculous.

    Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away
    Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect
    4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs
    Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11
    Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:(
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    My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!

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  • I would be pissed but if he's using a Government vehicle then I guess it's legit.  After all - she HAS to be at her appointments, just like you have to be at your appointments (otherwise those don't happen).  And if she wasn't mature enough to get proper prenatal care on her own then what else is the chain of command going to do?  If something happens to her because she hasn't been seen by a doctor they're going to be hung out to dry.  So the babysitting begins.  Gotta love the military!

    I'm sure if you were physically unable to drive, or just crazy enough not to want any prenatal care, or needed him to come get you then it would be a different story.  Sorry, that sucks.  If it's any consolation DH has only been to two of my appointments because of work.  

    No vehicle or gas money is provided. DH must drive his own vehicle. To save gas and decrease his commute time (HOV lane)  he usually drives his motorcycle, but on the days he has to take her he is required to drive his car.

    Honestly it doesn't bother me that DH cant come to my routine "how are you feeling appointments? Ok see you in four weeks" bc I can attend those alone. However it bothers me that the two appointments he did attend (genetic testing and ultrasound regarding genetic testing) had to have doctors notes from my doctor to his command.

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  • unless she is a flag officer or something and he is her designated driver this seems a little ridiculous.
    and even then that wouldn't be work related so I think I'd side eye that one too.

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  • No.  They definitely cannot make him drive his own vehicle without reimbursing him for mileage/fuel costs.  
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  • Exactly.  He needs to voice his opinon to those that are telling him he needs to do this.  There is a way to approach it properly and if he does so and they still tell him he needs to take her then he needs to go to the IG and put in a complaint. 
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  • Why can't he use a government vehicle?? That would piss me off the most, because the taking her is an order, and what can you do about those but follow them. I would not be pleased with him using his own car and gas for it though. Any way he can broach the subject with his chain about getting use of a vehicle? 
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  • unless she is a flag officer or something and he is her designated driver this seems a little ridiculous.
    and even then that wouldn't be work related so I think I'd side eye that one too.
    In the navy it is normal for Aides to accompany them to doctor appointments. they just sit in the waiting room (said from an Aide)

    Married 11/27/09 and TTC right away
    Dx: Complete septate uterus with cervical duplication, endometrial polyps, PCOS, endometriosis, hypo thyroid, luteal phase defect
    4 uterus surgeries to correct my complete septum and to remove polyps and 2 years of seeing the RE, medicated cycles and IUIs
    Baby 1 and 2: BFP 3/3/11 with 2 babies EDD 11/1/11, M/C 4/6/11
    Baby #3: 8/11 pregnant EDD 4/27/11 and m/c:(
    Baby #4: 10/12/11 BFP! EDD 6/16/12m/c 10/26/11
    Baby #5: 3/13/12 BFP! EDD 11/25/12 ANOTHER m/c :(

    Baby #6: 2/14/13- BFP! EDD 10/24/13, CP 2/19/13
    Baby #7: 3/15/13- BFP! EDD 11/27/13, another CP
    Baby #8.  BFP 5/19/13 EDD 1/22/14. 8 was not our lucky number

    4th septum resection on 5/31/13.
    Baby #9: 6/29/13 BFP. C section scheduled for March 5th!

    My miracle baby was born March 5 at 9:33am. He was 8 lbs 12.5 oz and 21.25 inches long!

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  • Yeah, I am all about above and beyond and caring for Soldiers but this is absurd. I'd call the IG. If nothing else they can tell you whether they're breaking reg or not. I can't imagine him taking her to appointments on his own dime is within the JTFR.

    I worked for the IG, I can call a friend who's still there if you'd like.

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    CJ 05/29/2013

  • Yeah, I am all about above and beyond and caring for Soldiers but this is absurd. I'd call the IG. If nothing else they can tell you whether they're breaking reg or not. I can't imagine him taking her to appointments on his own dime is within the JTFR. I worked for the IG, I can call a friend who's still there if you'd like.
    Please and thank you. It wouldn't hurt to have the info.

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  • That's ridiculous!  The government technically owes her travel money to go to her off-post medical appointments. Transporting another Servicemember for medical care IS an official duty and you CAN be ordered to do that but it should be in a GOV at govt expense and on official time.  The COC cannot order him to incur out of pocket expenses to do an official duty.  If he wants to he can definitely rock the boat on this one.
    cassiej2005shesamommy[Deleted User]
  • This is insanity!!! I would not be happy at all. Is there a way for your husband to explain that it is putting him in an uncomfortable position at home? This seems like an extremely personal thing to accompany someone to. I am curious what the outcome will be in finding out why he is not being reimbursed for travel expenses, etc. 
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  • Ridiculous.
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  • So is he going to be expected to drop everything and drive her to the hospital when she goes into labor? I'm sorry you're in such an odd situation.
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  • I mentioned this to my husband and he said if it were him he'd file an IG complaint.
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  • Yes, please do tell who is ordering him to do this.  This doesn't sound right and I can't imagine you have all your facts straight on this one.  As a military officer, I will tell you no one can order your husband to drive his own car to take another soldier to off-base doc appts.  It just doesn't work that way. 

    Does your husband have an NCO he can speak with?  He needs to do that. Now. 

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  • My husband is an NCO and its his NCOIC that is telling him to "take care of his soldier"

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    shesamommy
  • Yeah I spoke to a friend at the IG, he needs to give them a call.

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    CJ 05/29/2013

  • Thanks for all of the advice ladies!

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

    BFP #2 02/05/2013 EDD 09/19/2013 Arrived via c-section 09/27/2013

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  • seems like everyone else has already pointed out that this doesn't seem right so Ill skip that...what I want to know is what happens when this baby comes? She can't live in the barracks with the baby? She needs to get a car and a place to live.....
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  • Ktbug613 said:
    seems like everyone else has already pointed out that this doesn't seem right so Ill skip that...what I want to know is what happens when this baby comes? She can't live in the barracks with the baby? She needs to get a car and a place to live.....

    No she cant live in the barracks and she will be provided BAH bc she will be gaining a dependent. That's where I get worried. She has no vehicle so once she moves out of the barracks (building next to her workplace) how will she get to work and baby to daycare? Will it by my husband's responsibility to take her around. Oh hell no! I don't want to be "that wife" but if after talking to his NCO changes aren't made, I'll be walking in to see the command. Not really, but its a thought.

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  • Lol, GM, the OP is a SM herself so I really doubt she would seriously go see his command about it.

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    CJ 05/29/2013

    HisChamaoleGirl
  • That's ridiculous!  The government technically owes her travel money to go to her off-post medical appointments. Transporting another Servicemember for medical care IS an official duty and you CAN be ordered to do that but it should be in a GOV at govt expense and on official time.  The COC cannot order him to incur out of pocket expenses to do an official duty.  If he wants to he can definitely rock the boat on this one.
    The government does not pay you to go to off base appointments.  They will only do this if it is outside the "servicing" area which at my last location was 50 miles each way. 
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  • calindi said:
    BLT20051 said:
    Lol, GM, the OP is a SM herself so I really doubt she would seriously go see his command about it.
    GM just likes to say the most sarcastic, nastiest things that can be reasonably considered applicable.  I don't get it, but it seems to be enjoyable to her as she keeps doing it.  I much prefer to try to be helpful rather than condescending, personally.

    I didn't see that the soldier wasn't a licensed driver.  That's definitely a serious issue... definitely have him bring up the long term issues to his command.  They probably haven't thought that far ahead.  This isn't just driving to appointments, this is going to be on-going and get increasingly more complicated.

    Let us know if they get it sorted out!

    Meh. I've known GM for a long time. She's brutally honest and calls stuff as she sees it. I hardly think she's nasty. Sarcastic, well, duh. But that's also why I made a joke of her comment, because I know her personality.

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    CJ 05/29/2013

  • calindi said:
    Ktbug613 said:
    seems like everyone else has already pointed out that this doesn't seem right so Ill skip that...what I want to know is what happens when this baby comes? She can't live in the barracks with the baby? She needs to get a car and a place to live.....

    No she cant live in the barracks and she will be provided BAH bc she will be gaining a dependent. That's where I get worried. She has no vehicle so once she moves out of the barracks (building next to her workplace) how will she get to work and baby to daycare? Will it by my husband's responsibility to take her around. Oh hell no! I don't want to be "that wife" but if after talking to his NCO changes aren't made, I'll be walking in to see the command. Not really, but its a thought.

    Oh heck no!  Perhaps part of "taking care of his soldier" can involve some financial planning advice, help in the process of purchasing and registering a car, and finding a day care?  It's an upfront time investment but it will definitely set her up so he doesn't have to keep driving her.
    How does that help? She isn't a licensed driver.

    Unless he is trained in financial planning, he has no business doling out that kind of advice.

    OP- are you 100% positive your husband didn't volunteer to help her? And yeah, go be "that wife" and whine to his command about this. That won't destroy his career or anything.



    BLT20051 said:
    Lol, GM, the OP is a SM herself so I really doubt she would seriously go see his command about it.


    No he didn't volunteer and BLT you are correct in that I wouldn't go to the command. I am not in a hurry to be "that wife" bc I've seen the damage its done over my career.

    As for the financial planning, he could point her in the direction of ACS bc they do offer baby budgeting classes. The soldier's father just bought her a car in GA so he will be bringing it to her in VA this weekend according to her. The dad says he is going to help her get her license so hopefully this issue just solves itself.

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  • That's ridiculous!  The government technically owes her travel money to go to her off-post medical appointments. Transporting another Servicemember for medical care IS an official duty and you CAN be ordered to do that but it should be in a GOV at govt expense and on official time.  The COC cannot order him to incur out of pocket expenses to do an official duty.  If he wants to he can definitely rock the boat on this one.
    The government does not pay you to go to off base appointments.  They will only do this if it is outside the "servicing" area which at my last location was 50 miles each way. 
    At our base there is no maternity care on base.  A pregnant AD member can request a government car to travel to the appt but no one else can be in the car - meaning no one else can drive her.
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  • There must be another person that can handle this. Someone in his office that isn't expecting himself. Or heck have a female go with her. I'm sorry you are going through this. I definitely wouldn't be happy either. Good luck!
  • hlm184 - a non-govt civilian shouldn't be in the car for liability reasons because if there's an accident the govt may get sued.  However, if a govt employee (including an active duty servicemember) is performing official duties like driving a non-driving servicemember to an appointment, then yes they can be in the car.  If there is in fact a blanket policy like that I'm sure an exception can be made because the regulation does not preclude it.  They probably just say that because they don't want someone's mom driving a GOV.
    [Deleted User]
  • I would be really upset if this was me and I would probably tell my husband to fix the problem before I do.  She needs to GROW UP. 
    I was a poor single mother E3 and I NEVER EVER had my nco take me to appointments. Does she not have any friends. 
    And if the NCOIC is the one forcing your husband go...why cant his ass take her since he seems to care so much?
    If you knew better, you'd do better.
  • i think your husband needs to take care of his soldier. he can take her to ACS, to the DMV to figure out what she needs to do to get her license, and maybe a trip to the lemon lot to look at some cars. how far along is she
    sorry you have to deal with this, i'd see if your husband can talk to his ncoic and go to more of your appts since he is taking this woman to hers. but he definitely needs to talk to someone about using his POV for stuff he is ordered to do. 


  • Is there not a female in the office who can take her?  She should get things together herself, but that doesn't look likely.  I think it would be more appropiate for a female to take her than a male, and her supervisor at that.  She could say anything happened on the way to her appts, that could possibly get your DH in trouble (like if she says hes making unappropiate comments to her).  She is new to base so probably doesn't have any friends yet who could take her.  I had a suite-mate who got pregnant her first week on base, she didn't drive but BD did and they ended up getting married and moved to base housing. 

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  • She can live in the barracks until she reaches 20 weeks. It will not be his responsibilty to take her and her baby around. I'm dual militay and went through something similar. Its is very annoying when  your DH is being told to take someone else especially a female to an appointment or in my case to go get a license even though she didnt have a car. Needless to say, she found another way to get to the DMV. There is always another way.

    They have a shuttle and im sure they have a "duty" vehicle and driver so noone should be using their own resources. It's annoying to be a military spouse and even more when your military yourself and you know better.

    I agree that she needs to use other resources because the rest of us are expected to do the same.  I'm pretty sure she was able to get around before she was pregnant without wasting command man hours.

    Sometimes the DH has to look out for their troop, maybe he needs to encourage her to explore the resources and make a plan to have transportation. Unfortunately some people can't think for themselves.

     

  • I agree with pretty much everything everyone else has said. I would not be happy if I was in this situation. The whole thing is ridiculous. I completely understand an NCO having to take care of his/her soldiers. The problem is that being her chauffeur (which is essentially what's going on right now) doesn't really help in the long run. What really needs to be done is connecting her with the resources she needs to be able to take care of herself. I would be encouraging DH to speak with whomever he would need to talk to in order to get some changes made. I hope all works out well for you!
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