Vent/Rant Re: Being Unmarried

MommyKristin88

I have noticed that people keep asking me if me and my boyfriend are still together (always in the context of the typical pregnancy questions: how are you feeling, when are you due, etc). Maybe I'm being too sensitive, but why does that need to come up? Yes, we're still together. No, we aren't married, but does that automatically mean that we will break up? Geez, I have heard of married couples seperating during pregnancy, but no one seems to automically ask married women that question. So, without a piece of paper making our relationship legal, it should be assumed that he's not staying around?? I was asked this by 3 different co-workers this weekend, so I was shocked that it kept coming up.

Ugh, rant over...

WheeLinTheSky3

People are rude and dont know how to mind their own business. Sorry they are saying things like this and making you feel bad but just remember that your relationship title doesnt define how valueable your relationship is or how you all will be as parents.

amarissa85

It's a classic case of stereotyping. It is an automatic assumption now a days that if you aren't married and KU that dad is not around or the couple isn't together.

MinnesotaMomma91

Sorry about the stupid and rude people. I also dont understand why two people cant just be happily unmarried

JBear02

I get that all the time with my BF and I. I think it's stupid- just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean we want to rush into marriage. That seems like a great way to make a mistake and wind up regretting it! Usually I try to ignore them, but one time a lady asked me that and I just stared at her until she got really uncomfortable.

Snowbird7

You could respond with a "Yes ... why do you ask?" to turn it around and hopefully point out what a rude question it is!

MommyKristin88

ayanahazel1 said:

You could respond with a "Yes ... why do you ask?" to turn it around and hopefully point out what a rude question it is!

That's a good idea. I usually just answer, but am left feeling angry. This would be better!

PackersFan315

My SIL always said to reply to the probing questions that you don't want to answer, like when we were TTC, then when I was going through fertility treatments and now pregnancy, "Why do you need to know?" It turns it back on them to think about why they're asking the question and usually they are embarrassed because it's just out of curiosity or gossip, and they don't need to know.

BlondieBia21

I'm in the same boat, except we are engaged. We are also Catholic so we've received our fair share of frowns. It bothers me because I do not want my child to be judged based on this. Yes, we are Catholic, BUT neither of us really associate with the Church. I am a very spiritual person and have formed my own beliefs, and while FI isn't as spiritual, he is similar to me. We were told by numerous people how we should move the wedding up so the child is "legitimate." We weren't engaged before we found out we were expecting, but he did already have the ring. Everyone knew it was coming, but people have asked if we were getting married to "do the right thing." I'm with you, married couples can go through the same trials as unmarried, it's just easier to end things un married because you don't have to go through a legal process. It is upsetting, but the only things that matter is that you and your SO are respectful of one another, and know that your LO is important. I would never rush into a marriage just because of a child because I believe it is important that a child is in an environment where there is a mutual love and respect, and that's not always the case. Just ignore their negativity, and know that you and your BF will be excellent parents together. IF things end between you, you know that your relationship will still be important. 

mommabmb

People are just rude.

TurtleMomma

Rude!

ELauren88

I can't believe someone would ever ask that! Period! Pregnant or not, it's incredibly rude. But, being PG, I pray no one has to balls to ask if I'm still with my husband...they may just lose a vital organ.

nawlinsgrl

If it were me, I'd probably look them dead in the eye and say, "wow, that's such an odd/strange question.  why do you ask?"  Always fun to see the reaction and put them on the defensive.

Smom901316

We are in the same boat, we were engaged before we found out our LO was on her way and everyone expect us to quick get married or expected an update as to what we were going to do. We actually pushed our wedding back so we didn't have so much stress and could focus on one major life event at a time. Keep your chin up! Your family is YOUR family.

MommyKristin88

nawlinsgrl said:

If it were me, I'd probably look them dead in the eye and say, "wow, that's such an odd/strange question.  why do you ask?"  Always fun to see the reaction and put them on the defensive.

You all have some awesome comebacks! I wish I had posted this sooner. Thanks for the ideas/suggestions.

MommyKristin88

@BlondieBia21 : yeah people always ask why we haven't just gone ahead and gotten married. That question annoys me, too. We don't have to be married to have a baby. People need to chill out and stop asking me questions. He and I are very happy with our relationship, and we don't need to validate that to anyone (especially my random co-workers lol).

lorow0715

Ewww. That's a rude question to ask someone. Common sense just isn't the common anymore and people have no filter. I wish I had a snarky reply on hand you could say back.

henderson1026

Please don't flame me, I'm not trying to be a b!tch.  I also wouldn't flat out ask someone this, but I feel comfortable asking here.

So if the pregnancy was a surprise for an unmarried couple, I understand not rushing to get married.

However, if the pregnancy was planned, I see that as making a life-long commitment to each other, so why the hesitation to get married?

MommyKristin88

Please don't flame me, I'm not trying to be a b!tch.  I also wouldn't flat out ask someone this, but I feel comfortable asking here.

So if the pregnancy was a surprise for an unmarried couple, I understand not rushing to get married.

However, if the pregnancy was planned, I see that as making a life-long commitment to each other, so why the hesitation to get married?

Marriage isn't always desired. Lots of people have long-term, committed relationships and don't want to get married. I was once told that marriage causes more issues, because of tax purposes and other financial reasons I can't remember at the moment. I have no desire to get married. I was never the type that saw myself getting married. I have no issues with long-term relationships, but I don't want marriage. Sorry, if that's confusing; it's hard to explain.

henderson1026

MommyKristin88 said:

Please don't flame me, I'm not trying to be a b!tch.  I also wouldn't flat out ask someone this, but I feel comfortable asking here.

So if the pregnancy was a surprise for an unmarried couple, I understand not rushing to get married.

However, if the pregnancy was planned, I see that as making a life-long commitment to each other, so why the hesitation to get married?

Marriage isn't always desired. Lots of people have long-term, committed relationships and don't want to get married. I was once told that marriage causes more issues, because of tax purposes and other financial reasons I can't remember at the moment. I have no desire to get married. I was never the type that saw myself getting married. I have no issues with long-term relationships, but I don't want marriage. Sorry, if that's confusing; it's hard to explain.

I can understand that.  I find it to be the opposite, I feel it is financially, legally, etc. easier to be married, but I suppose depending on circumstances, it could be harder for some people.

JilllyBean

I think it was more about how it was worded (whoever said it here), why would we rush into getting married? but you are rushing into having a kid? Not that you didn't really ever desire to be married. That confused me too because having a kid is a much bigger commitment than getting married. If you said, I never wanted to be married.... I think that is easier to understand.

girlmama83

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

MommyKristin88

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

OMG! I just got pissed off reading that. That is horrible!!!

henderson1026

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

jaw meet floor

MinnesotaMomma91

Bf and i have been on and off for eight years. His family keeps asking when they can expect a wedding and we keep saying when ever we get sround to it

fritz799

I've been with my husband for 14 years and married for 8.  This is our first baby.  
My hands are so swollen that I'm wearing my wedding ring around my neck.  OMG, the side-eyes I have received when people (particularly older women) see my empty ring finger...  INSANE.  

Why can't people mind their own business?

And, I love being married, but, yeah--it screwed our taxes royally.  ROYALLY. Deductions?  Who's he?

MommyKristin88 said:

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

OMG! I just got pissed off reading that. That is horrible!!!

PackersFan315

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

That would piss me off! I work in a school and I don't wear my jewelry because I'm in a special ed classroom and it can be physical at times if we have to do interventions. Makes me wonder if any of the parents wondered that when I started showing in June.

But even without a ring or regardless of relationship status, that's a rude question.

girlmama83

MommyKristin88 said:

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

OMG! I just got pissed off reading that. That is horrible!!!


It was so strange too because she's actually one of the nicest parents in my program and said it with a big smile on her face. I wonder if she had no idea how rude it was.

msronzio

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

Oh my god.

msronzio

I have the opposite problem. I wear a ring on my ring finger because it wont fit any of my other tiny fingers and I get asked how long I've been married... I'm not. I usually respond we've been together for over two years.

Might start having this problem if people start seeing me because now the tiny ring doesn't fit any of my sausage fingers..

PB102012

That's terrible.... I wish I had a comment I could suggest for you to come back with, people need to think before they speak.

carlieanddanwedding

I feel like having a child together is a much bigger commitment than getting married. By having a kid together, you are committing to being in each others' lives for the REST of your lives, no matter what; no matter how your relationship turns out, no matter how you feel about each other in ten years, you are committing to being parents, a team, looking out for the best interests of your kid. (and that doesn't just stop when your kid turns 18 either!) So when people say they are ready to have a kid together but aren't ready for the "commitment" of marriage, I side-eye that big time.

That said, I know several people who have chosen not to get married for other reasons (philosophical problems with marriage as an institution, tax/insurance/inheritance issues, etc) but are in a fully committed relationship, and that doesn't bother me. And, I also don't think that there's any reason for two people who are already planning to get married (whether they're officially engaged or not) and get unexpectedly (or expectedly!) pregnant to move up/put a rush on their wedding either if they don't want to. Weddings can be a long, cumbersome affair to plan, and you only get one (theoretically!), so why rush the process if you don't want to? And, I definitely don't think that getting unexpectedly pregnant is a reason for a couple who is either not ready or incompatible to rush into marriage, either - I think we've all seen the long term damage that can do!

And really, regardless, it's SUCH a rude question to ask, especially of some random coworker/stranger/etc! SO none of your business!

P.S. @lindsey61811 WTF???? People are brain-meltingly rude and stupid sometimes, but I can't believe anyone would ever actually say that to another person!

Smom901316

henderson1026 said:

Please don't flame me, I'm not trying to be a b!tch.  I also wouldn't flat out ask someone this, but I feel comfortable asking here.

So if the pregnancy was a surprise for an unmarried couple, I understand not rushing to get married.

However, if the pregnancy was planned, I see that as making a life-long commitment to each other, so why the hesitation to get married?

We pushed back the wedding (after our surprise pregnancy) because, although we are committed to each other, we want to be able to have to celebration that we want which includes giving our families and friends ample notice to be able to plan to attend. I can understand why you wonder not just doing it but we want to be able to have the wedding we have been talking about, plus now we will have a built in flower girl!

CaliforniaDream87

amarissa85 said:

It's a classic case of stereotyping. It is an automatic assumption now a days that if you aren't married and KU that dad is not around or the couple isn't together.

Exactly!

MommyKristin88

lindsey61811 said:

MommyKristin88 said:

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

OMG! I just got pissed off reading that. That is horrible!!!

It was so strange too because she's actually one of the nicest parents in my program and said it with a big smile on her face. I wonder if she had no idea how rude it was.


Ugh. That was definitely a good opportunity to teach her.

MrsBlindLove

lindsey61811 said:

When a parent of one my kids at work found out I was pregnant, she looked at my finger then asked if I knew who the father was.

Oh ummm oh! What was going through her mind that she thought that was something appropriate to say?

JordanL1221

I was 17 weeks when I got married. (We got engaged last July). I had some family members not come to the wedding when they found out I was pregnant at 13 weeks. That sucked . Now that my fingers are so damn fat and my rings don't fit, I get side-eyed a lot in public, which is unfair. When I was looking at baby memory books at B and N the other day, this older lady made the comment that "it's a shame people aren't waiting until marriage to have children anymore." People are just rude.

DaisyMaeMommy

I HATE when people ask questions like that! What does my marital status have anything to do with the fact that I'm pregnant!?!?

I'm engaged, and will be for quite some time. FI and I planned on getting married before having a baby, but we decided we didn't want to wait so now we'll have a baby and we'll get married after we save up more money for the wedding we want.

I know I get loads of odd looks from people because FI wears his ring I bought him, but my engagement ring won't fit due to swelling in my hands. I can get it on, but it's tough as nails to get off and cuts off circulation in my finger. I'm sure some people are wondering if he's a married man with his pregnant mistress...

I proceed to roll my eyes and say:

JHarris8166

People can be so rude. I had been asked "can you even afford to go on maternity leave?". I met this woman only once before. Back out of my life!

MinnesotaMomma91

Ive come to accept that people say and do stupid things.

Celestialjensen

carlieanddanwedding said:

I feel like having a child together is a much bigger commitment than getting married. By having a kid together, you are committing to being in each others' lives for the REST of your lives, no matter what; no matter how your relationship turns out, no matter how you feel about each other in ten years, you are committing to being parents, a team, looking out for the best interests of your kid. (and that doesn't just stop when your kid turns 18 either!) So when people say they are ready to have a kid together but aren't ready for the "commitment" of marriage, I side-eye that big time.

That said, I know several people who have chosen not to get married for other reasons (philosophical problems with marriage as an institution, tax/insurance/inheritance issues, etc) but are in a fully committed relationship, and that doesn't bother me. And, I also don't think that there's any reason for two people who are already planning to get married (whether they're officially engaged or not) and get unexpectedly (or expectedly!) pregnant to move up/put a rush on their wedding either if they don't want to. Weddings can be a long, cumbersome affair to plan, and you only get one (theoretically!), so why rush the process if you don't want to? And, I definitely don't think that getting unexpectedly pregnant is a reason for a couple who is either not ready or incompatible to rush into marriage, either - I think we've all seen the long term damage that can do!

And really, regardless, it's SUCH a rude question to ask, especially of some random coworker/stranger/etc! SO none of your business!

P.S. @lindsey61811 WTF???? People are brain-meltingly rude and stupid sometimes, but I can't believe anyone would ever actually say that to another person!

All of this! It all boils down to people loving to gossip...