So conflicted and no one to talk to

CowgirlK39

I have become so painfully baby crazy over the past six months or so, but I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. DH and I decided we will switch modes after our one year anniversary in September, and will go into "not trying but not preventing" mode. We already know that I have repro issues and plan to just see how it goes and then handle it as needed. We get lectures from ILs all the time about how they can't wait for babies from us, even though SIL is expecting. I was at her baby shower today and was getting grilled about it all day. But I do not want to say anything about our plans because it is my body and I don't feel like divulging all that info to them, as well as do not want to get questions about why we aren't pg yet once we stop preventing. So I can't say anything there. My parents are the opposite. My mom believes you have to have everything right in your life in order to have a baby; perfect income, perfect house and perfect timing. When I mention kids, she doesn't say anything, which has always been her sign of disapproval. She criticizes my SIL for not being able to afford more than a one bedroom apt, saying she will have no room for the baby. This is also our situation and I know she feels the same way. I have no friends who are in our shoes either. DHs friends all had kids young and accidentally, and none of my friends have kids or even spouses for that matter. I kept telling DH we would wait till we can buy a house but I feel like I can't wait that long. I know I need to just be patient but its getting so hard. I have no one to talk to about this baby craziness (DH has been baby crazy for years and thinks we sold just have one but he doesn't think of all the things that come with babies). I am stuck between two extremes; ILs who want a grand baby right now, and family/friends who discourage it. Thanks for listening to my vent. I guess this is the place to talk about baby craziness so I thought I'd spill here.

CowgirlK39

And I swear I wrote that with paragraphs.... They never show up when I submit posts though.

JemmaWRX

Why are you allowing everyone else's opinion to create this internal conflict?  This is a decision you and your husband alone make.  Every time I'm around my family or ILs I get the questions, the suggestive hints and it doesn't mean dick.  I have never felt pressured to hurry up and try and I've never felt persuaded to postpone.  As a matter of fact, it goes in one ear and out the other.  It's extremely neurotic to let these people to influence you.  People can say whatever they want, but the onus is on you if you allow it to impact your decision. 

PinkCamino

Your post is about what other people want and expect of you. There is little about what you truly want in this situation. You have babies when you and your husband feel ready not when MIL says she wants grand kids and what not.

amberhoothoot

You mentioned repro issues too. Are they ones that man you need to start trying right away? Like an age factor thing? Just wondering... only if you're willing to share.

I know I'm going to get jumped on because I am one of the people who think you should have some things in place before trying. Most importantly a strong relationship with partner (but you sound like you're good on this one). And truly, babies take a lot of time & money. You need a lot of time and at least some extra money (just calculate diaper and formula costs for a newborn). For us family support was HUGE, but this isn't a necessity.

My mom had both my brother and I while knowingly in a relationship with an abusive man. He often left for days. He actually missed my birth because he was on a binge. He would take the formula/diaper money. Eventually, and as she should have expected, her left her, which meant leaving us. My life wasn't bad. I had a mom who did the best she could, but we lived in crappy/dangerous neighborhoods for a long time and I never knew my father. She worked a lot and she was very unhappy, which is hard to see as a kid. NOT TO IMPLY THIS IS YOUR SITUATION. This is my childhood experience only... But for me, wanting a baby isn't the only criteria in deciding to have one. Planning for a baby is the first step in thinking of someone else over and above yourself and your partner.

If you can picture yourself as your one year old baby and it knows it is loved, it knows you will comfort it when it cries, it knows it's never hungry, and it knows it's home is a safe place (whether it be small or big)... then I say go for it.  

CowgirlK39

GhostMonkey said:

@amberawesome- She maybe has PCOS.

My gyno mentioned in the past that I display a number of the symptoms of PCOS but said we would address them when we were ready for a family. I have an appointment scheduled to have that talk in September. I have never had a normal cycle in my life without the help of BC so I want to get that sorted out soon. As for our situation, I have a good job, DH has a decent one (could be better but he makes money consistently). We have a wonderful relationship and even feel like our social life is conducive to a baby because we really do not do much. Many of our friends are either still partying and bar hopping or others have grown children. Our families are both within 10 mins of where we live now. The only issue we face is our one bedroom apartment. We are saving for a house but that's probably going to be a year or two down the road. I always thought I would have a house first but I'm feeling like there is only so much baby craziness I can fight off before buying a home. I am only 27 so age isn't a factor right now. Thanks for the input. I just get upset because there is no one to share our baby craziness with. Like I said, if I tell ILs they will start buying us stuff compulsively. If I tell my parents I will get a lecture. If I tell my friends they will either not care or ask us if we are sure. It's very frustrating.

amberhoothoot

Sounds like you are ready for sure then.

We took a baby class when prego and it was so great to hear the instructor say "babies don't need their own special room, infact they will most likely be in your room for the first months anyway. They don't need 100 onsies or 2 boppies, or 3 kinds of swings. They need love, nourishment, and to feel safe" Sounds like you've got all that down!

Also, we didn't buy a house until our DS was a year old. SOO much better timing. We had some energy coming back from not having a newborn. Despite time off for baby, both our careers were on track. We were able to renovate quite a bit and the grandparents were happy to help watch DS while we used our weekends moving.

You don't need a 3 bedroom house to give a baby what it needs.

Good luck in the coming months!!!

Also, I told a BUNCH of people we were trying the first time around. It only took us 6 months but it was really disheartening to hear people say "really, no luck? It only took us one try" and seeing our parents/family ask about it all the time. It put way too much pressure on us. This time we aren't telling anyone. We're just going to wait and see and then surprise everyone. Its like our little secret. When people ask we just say "nah, we aren't thinking about it too much". No pressure that way.

mGj3512

So sad! Let the discussion strictly be between dh and yourself!

smushi

This is my first post to this board (not new to Nest though) - I can commiserate with the inlaws pushing for grandchildren.  My mother in law put in her 'order' for at least 4 (holy cow) a few years ago, and she almost jumped down my throat with excitement when she visited and saw a pair of baby shoes (for a friend's shower) on my counter.  It hurt a little to disappoint her, but in the scheme of things, you have to focus not on what others are saying, but on what's right for you and your husband.  Do you want to live in a one bedroom apartment and try to fit in all the baby stuff?  It could work, but it would be tight, of course.  Do you want to have a house first?  Room to spread out, have the actual 'nursery'?  How important are these things to you for your family?  There are 'ideals' and then there are realities.  What does your reality need to look like for you to be happy?  

Your family will push and pull you.  You have to learn to tune them out, and let them know with a kind smile that it will happen when it happens and in your own way and on your terms.  They don't own you or your uterus, and they don't have any real say They can be happy when it happens, and mum otherwise.  And if they continue to bug you about it, (I personally) would be of a mind to let them know that I don't have to be around them if they want to continue to badger.

CowgirlK39

We ourselves are 99% ready for a baby. The house thing does bother me though. I really would rather have a baby with a designated room but the thought of waiting another year to TTC, only to possibly have problems, would make me more upset. We aren't going to start charting and all that just yet, we are just going to do what we do and see what happens. I also want to see how my body behaves without BC. The last time I did that I had my period for three months straight, followed by one week off, and then another month of period. I'd like to get that worked out first for sure. I am just really upset that I have no sounding board for my feelings other than my DH, and he is so baby crazy he doesn't think rationally!