What's the AP take on this

KateLouise

Does anyone else feel like their snitching on their kid to others.. In that they tattle to someone else about something bad their kid has done?

I find it really distasteful, like it could humiliate the child. However, I am guilty of doing this sometimes. 

My other concern, that kind of links to this is that the child could end up feeling nagged at.

For example DD1 punched another kid in the face at daycare the other day. So naturally I talked to her about it with the daycare teacher, so we could all understand everyone's perspective. Then we visited my parents and I told them about it, and my Mum talked to DD about it (she said something like, "Oh Elizabeth, why did you do that? Was the little boy very upset?". Then on the way home I told DH about it, and he had a talk with DD in the car about it.

None of these talks were unfair, aggressive or unpleasant, but it did get me thinking about how freely I tell others about DD's negative behaviours.

Part of me thinks this has come from the habit of being able to talk about your baby freely in front of them which of course changes as they age, and part of it is me sharing things that have happened that day. Obviously I'm going to tell DH about things LOs have done, but is there a respectful way to do it? 

I think it's absolutely ok for me to talk to my Mum about things the kids do, but should I be more careful to do it discreetly, away from the children?

Thoughts?

Emerald27

I think that if you include "we/I discussed the incident with DD already, and we'd like to let it go and not bring it up again" when you tell your mom, that might prevent her from asking DD about it or making her feel embarrassed. Also, I would definitely tell your mom about these things when DD isn't in the room.

With DH, I feel like it's more important that he know about the situation and feel free to talk to DD. Maybe just be sure to tell him how the situation has been handled already, if you think DD will benefit from further discussion/consequences, and ask him what else, if anything, he thinks needs to be done or said so that you can plan together how to reapproach her.

Jennifer Anne

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My DD is approaching 2 and a half, and I've noticed that when I'm talking to other adults about her, she is really actively listening to some of my conversations. One time I noticed a sad change in her face as I was talking to a friend about a difficult week with her tantruming a lot. I felt pretty bad about it, and after that, I've been more careful. I have this memory of when I was 6 years old, and my mom was telling her friend about a recent incident - basically I'd been going down the zipline at the park and when I hit the end I fell down on the ground my face. I felt so embarrassed about it and I wished that she wouldn't talk about it to other people. I know that isn't the same as them doing something "bad" necessarily, but it still evoked negative feelings, in that case embarrassment. And yeah, 6 is older that 2 and a half for sure, but I'm taking the precaution anyway and trying to either talk about incidents in more positive terms if she is around, like emphasizing the good outcomes or how proud I am of DD for doing the right thing in the end, etc., or waiting until she's playing further away out of earshot. The one exception to this for me is talking to DH about it of course, when it's something that would be helpful for him to talk to her about as well.