SS and anxiety problems

bebe11

This past weekend my H and I took 3 of our 4 kids out of town for the weekend (my oldest had to work), we had a great time and SS (he's 15 1/2) was very chatty, which is not like him.  I've posted before how he will ignore me or just look down as he walks past me..etc.  Anyway, at dinner one night he was telling my H and I that he was severe anxiety when he has to approach people and talk to them.  He said he can't even walk up to the cashier at McDonalds and order food.  If he goes with his friends, he said he will tell someone what he wants and say that he is going to grab a table. 

I will admit that my H gives horrible advice, he told SS that he just needs to do it to get over it.  I was thinking more along the lines that counseling would help and give him the tools to over come this fear.  He did and occasionally still has a studder, and I think that adds to his anxiety.

I told my H that he needs to talk to BM about this and they both need to get on the same page to help him.  But my H still holds a huge grudge (even though he will not admit it) against BM for all the problems she caused between my MIL and I and he won't go out of his way to talk to her.  My SS broke his knee a few weeks ago and only after I told him he should meet BM at the hospital, and he thought about it for a hour before he actually went.  So my question is, should I bring it up to BM?  I have no problem texting her or sending her an email, we are on friendly terms so it wouldn't be taken as me putting my nose where it doesn't belong.  I just feel so bad for SS, my H always just chalked it up as SS being super shy.

Littlejen22

Tell her what your SS said and ask if she saw this as an issue and go from there. But yes talk to her.

10-4LilBuddy

SS is asking for help and that is huge with anxiety. It will not get better without assistance. My sister went through this and needed help. She is now a confident, successful woman. Talk to BM because this is important. Good luck.

Lavender P

Your poor SS! That has to be so hard. I would suggest doing some research on anxiety and showing it to DH. I would tell him that you think therapy could help and you plan on talking to BM as well. I wouldn't want to reach out to her without telling DH first so that it doesn't effect your relationship.

SimpleJane

Lavender P said:

Your poor SS! That has to be so hard. I would suggest doing some research on anxiety and showing it to DH. I would tell him that you think therapy could help and you plan on talking to BM as well. I wouldn't want to reach out to her without telling DH first so that it doesn't effect your relationship.

I agree with this. Get your DH on board. 

4luvof2boys

Our DS14 struggles with this as well.  When I first met him (age 8) he could barely get out a sentence without stuttering.  He wouldn't talk so that he didn't have to be embarrassed.  He never ordered his own food at restaurants.  When he did speak, he spoke so softly you could barely hear him.  He would get so worked up (anxious) you couldn't get him to express anything.  He just clammed right up.

I agree that counseling is a good idea.  Some of the other  things we did to help him practice:

1) I make DS read aloud to me from the book of his choice while I make dinner - this helped him get into the flow of speaking - and he had to be verbal for an hour everyday.

2) Have him practice taking several deep breaths when he is excited or emotional before speaking.  This took awhile for DS to catch on to.  He is much better now and I will still catch him taking a deep breath and holding his stomach before he tells me things.

3) If he likes music, have him sing along with songs.  DS wasn't a great speaker but when he got really into music, he knew every word to his favorite songs and could sing them perfectly.

4) Let him know anxiety is normal.  We all feel it.  The key is what you do about it.  It is ok to feel anxious, recognize it, and step through it.  Basically it is positive self talk, "I know I feel anxious, feeling anxious is normal, I'm not going to let feeling anxious stop me from ordering a cheeseburger".  Then get up there and do.

5) Always make him order for himself, give his own answers (my DS16 used to answer for DS14 all the time), and make him elaborate on everything (no one word answers).  This gets him talking and practicing.  

Our therapist gave us a list of feeling words to use with him everyday as well.  The exercise is for him to say twice a day, "I feel XYZ.  I feel XYZ because ___.  The first time I remember feeling XYZ was___".  This sounds cheesy but we didn't realize that DS didn't know the WORDS to express himself.  Yes there are words like sad, glad, mad.  But there are much better words like anxious, rebellious, frustrated.  I first realized DS had anxiety not be cause he told me "I am feeling anxious" but because whenever I knew he was emotional he told me things like "my body feels weird or my stomach hurts".

It has taken years of working with DS and he still has set backs now and then but nothing like before.  I can't get the boy to shut up now lol.  I do want to say that for your SS to have come to you, and trust you with this info speaks volumes as to the kind of SM you must be.  Admitting that he is struggling with this is a huge step.  Lastly, just try and be patient.  I didn't realize how long it would take before we saw improvement and got frustrated, thought we were terrible parents and other pain I could have saved myself if I just chilled out a bit.