Family Issues with the In-laws ***Very Long Post***
Currently my husband and I are dealing with a very difficult situation. The events leading up to this and following this event have transpired quickly. This all has weighted heavily on our minds and in our hearts. My husband and I have talked about this situation over and over again. I find myself thinking about it when my mind wanders.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
*I have used fake names.
In May, we found out from my father-in-law (Bill) that my husband’s youngest brother (Ryan) and his brother’s wife (Gina) had their then 5 month old infant taken from them due to abuse and neglect allegations. Earlier this year they had a visit from CPS due to a neighbor reporting them on neglect issues. The Ryan and Gina claim it was someone in their apartment complex who didn’t like them reporting them. I personally can’t stand excuses like that.
(Some background on this situation: in January of 2012 Ryan and Gina were dating and broke up. Allegedly, Gina became pregnant from someone else on a break from dating Ryan. After a couple of months, Ryan and Gina reunited. Ryan was there for the birth of her baby boy in late 2012 and put his name on the hospital birth certificate.)
In May when we received the call from father-in-law, Bill about the horrible events he let us know that he and his new wife (Nancy) were going to take custody of the baby. That night my husband and I drove to their house and asked them about this situation. We found out this child had been horribly abused. He had broken ribs, a broken foot and a cracked vertebra in his upper back. My father in law is a gruff, newly retired, and newly married man. His new wife is submissive, but overall a nurturing type of woman. My husband and I thought this decision to take the baby was Nancy’s. When we were talking it over with them, they said it was Bill’s decision and he didn’t really talk it over with Nancy. When I spoke with Nancy she said that she felt the baby should go to foster care and be adopted out.
During our discussion we were talking about what had happened. Ryan and Gina told the authorities they didn’t do any of this to the child. They placed blame on a caregiver they left the baby with. It turns out that the baby also tested positive for THC in his system when he was born. So basically it was one bad thing after another. During our talk with Bill and Nancy we let them know we didn’t want to become involved in this tangled situation. At the time we were 5 months pregnant. During our talk Bill said that he is giving Ryan and Gina one chance to go through parenting classes and after that they are on their own. How is that taking into account the best for the little baby? Bill is acting like this is a business deal while it involves a vulnerable infant. CPS told Bill and Nancy that they could have the baby from 2 weeks to two years depending upon the outcome of the situation.
Two days later Bill, the father-in-law calls our house asking for our address because he wanted to list us as emergency contacts. I answered my husband’s cell phone, but he was in the bathroom. I told Bill that his son would call him back. Bill said, “I just need your address”. I told him again that his son would call him back. When my husband got done in the bathroom I told him what happened and we talked it over again. Bill assumed that we would be onboard with this whole situation which we weren’t. My husband called him back to let Bill know that we weren’t comfortable with being the emergency contact. Bill couldn’t tell us what the responsibilities of the emergency contact were. We also didn’t want to become entwined in this situation given we are trying to focus on keeping ourselves healthy and preparing for the arrival of our first child. Bill responded with, “I knew by the tone of her voice you would say no”.
So now we are the bad guys. Especially me. After a couple of heated conversations between my husband and Bill it was made known by Bill that he thinks I manipulated my husband to feel this way. My husband and I are in this together and we make big decisions together. Bill was jumping to conclusions and my husband told me his father’s mind was made up about us. I was shocked and hurt to see how quick my father in law has turned on me. Both my husband and I have always been there to help out with family members, dependable and caring. We felt like this is a situation we don’t need to be included in because we don’t want CPS in our lives as a new family and we don’t agree with the choices Bill and Nancy are making.
Bill and Nancy ended up asking Nancy’s daughter if she would be the emergency contact, she agreed and also unfriended me on Facebook. I don’t take much value in this but, it tells me that I am being unfavorably looked upon.
Also, it turns out Ryan has been charged with child abuse in the second degree, which is a felony and has a no-contact order with children under 16. Ryan is currently awaiting sentencing. Something tells us that Bill and Nancy will have the baby for quite a while.
My husband and I have discussed that the best interest needs to be in that of Gina and Ryan’s baby. Why keep this baby in an environment where he could potentially repeat the same cycle he is exposed to? I have since spoke with Bill’s wife, Nancy and told her we could support them with our love, but we want to remain removed from this situation. She couldn’t understand our opinion and thinks we are not being reasonable. She had changed her opinion since the night we saw her and she was vying for the adoption of the baby.
My husband’s mother is completely defending Ryan and seems to have no remorse for what has happened with the baby. Totally crazy.
Long story short, I have left out a lot more details, but this has been a very hard situation for the family. My husband and I have decided to focus on ourselves and our baby which is due to arrive in 8 more weeks. We feel bad that we can’t find a resolution, but we can’t agree with the actions of the other involved parties.
Also to add a vent. Not once has my in-laws asked how the development of the baby has been going or how we are doing. I find this to be selfish and it makes me feel a bit angry.
All and all, I am finding it difficult to detach from this situation. My husband and I have been completely cut off from any contact with his father and they have always been very close.
Anyone else have any perspectives or opinions regarding this matter?
Re: Family Issues with the In-laws ***Very Long Post***
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Proud Mommy of my Chloe Cat
Jan 14 Mom's January 2014 Siggy Challenge: Post Delivery Indulgences
Why is this child's welfare up to your father in law? Wouldn't this be a CPS related decision?
Hi MelissaRae1525,
I wasn't very clear about that part in my posting. That is a very good question, but as it turns out CPS has taken the baby from Ryan and Gina. Until Gina can successfully complete the classes. It turns out that Ryan will most likely be going to prision since he has been convicted of child abuse and has yet to be sentenced. CPS asked for family volunteers to take the baby until Gina can finish the classes. (Which could take 2 weeks to 2 years.) My FIL volunteered.
Thank you