PAL question

lrichmond86

I know I could post this on PAL, but I'm just more comfortable here.

I know it's normal to have the baby blues and not to love every moment of motherhood. I'm not worried about ppd, I feel like my emotions are fairly normal. My problem is that in the moments where I'm not loving being a mom I am feeling really guilty. My non-logical mind keeps telling me that I should be so joyful about having our rainbow that I must be an ungrateful mom for not appreciating every second. I imagine that this is a fairly common response from loss moms, so my question is, how do I move past this irrational feeling? 90 percent of the time I love love love being a mom. 5 percent of the time I just want to get some sleep. And the other five percent I'm feeling frustrated and guilty. I just want to enjoy this time as much as possible.

Heatherhah

Well you are still in the throws of being a new mom of a newborn and an angel  so it takes time to get passed that sleep deprived time. It does get easier and you will get sleep just not right now!! LOL. I think the guilt is also normal as well. I promise it does get easier in time!!

Congrats on the baby!!

Heather

Noethola

This was on stillbirthday.com just today. It may not give you any really direction, but it does validate what you are going through. https://www.stillbirthday.com/2013/07/25/rearing-isnt-easy/

lenya_35

I haven't had a rainbow yet, but I have an older daughter.  I can tell you that your feelings are completely normal.  Having a newborn is hard, no matter what.  Parenting a child when you're mourning the loss of another child is hard, no matter what.  I can tell you that with DD, I started to feel like a semi-normal human at around 6 weeks, by about 8 weeks, I was feeling more confident, and by 12 weeks I felt like I was in the swing of things.  Of course I didn't really feel like I had the parenting thing down until she was one and a half, but maybe that's because she was finally able to talk to me and tell me what she needed.

Please do cut yourself some slack.  With DD1 I remember feeling guilty that I didn't completely "love" her right away.  We just had to get to know each other, that's all (plus wild post-birth hormones didn't really help either).  Hang in there, feel free to feel whatever you happen to feel, and don't feel guilty about it.  You're totally welcome to PM me if you need to vent or have any questions.

ehlersm

I felt exactly the same way. Having a newborn is such an emotional experience and then you add another layer to that with a rainbow. I also felt the guilt for not enjoying every second early on. It gets easier when LO begins to interact with you. DS is 3 months and I still feel really guilty at times. I feel guilty for doing all kinds of things for her that I was never able to do for my boys. I also struggle with the fact that she would not have been here if they hadn't died. I know I didn't offer much advice, but wanted you to know that what you are going through is completely normal. Hope you are getting some sleep!

Mrs Nice

I was feeling the same way after Z was born. I somehow got it in my head that I had no right to feel frustrated or upset about anything bc I finally had him here with me. I would not allow myself to vent these frustrating feelings or talk to anyone about how I felt. Anytime someone asked how I was doing, the answer was always "GREAT!" I was trying to be perfect Zachary since I felt like I wasn't perfect or good enough to be allowed to keep Ian. Then I went to a parenting group one day and was talking with another woman who had struggled with IF before having her daughter. She told me that she was the same way at first too but she realized that she didn't want to try to be perfect bc then maybe her daughter would think that it wasn't okay to have these upset feelings. She wanted her daughter to see her on these bad days and know that it's okay. No one is perfect and its okay to get upset. This REALLY hit home for me. It's okay to feel guilty. It's okay to be upset sometimes. No one can be perfect. I want to teach Z that I'm NOT perfect and don't expect him to be. Parenting is HARD. Especially in those first few months when you are sleep deprived and in survival mode. And regardless what we went through to get our LOs here, we still have the right to get frustrated and breakdown every once in awhile. Does it mean you don't love your LO as much as you should? NO. Does it mean that you regret becoming a mother? NO. Even PAL mothers are allowed to have bad days. As others have said, things will get better with time. Be gentle on yourself and allow your self to feel whatever it is that you feel. Great big hugs to you! You are doing a wonderful job! And big congrats on your rainbow!!!

lrichmond86

Thank you for all of your supportive words. It's nice to hear that this too shall pass.