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Babies: 0 - 3 Months
The new me doesn't like DH all that much...
I don't post a whole lot but I just needed to vent. Sorry this is so long! TIA if you read this and respond!
I think this may have something to do with being trapped in the house with DS 24/7 since the weather is bad and also the fact that I am seriously lacking adult interaction/conversation. I think I am losing it.
Don't get me wrong, I love DH. I just don't really like him a lot of the time anymore. Before we had DS, I would say that our relationship was amazing. Now that DS is here, I have changed so much. My priorities are completely different (as I think they should be). I can't explain it any other way than that I am a completely different person. I used to be pretty selfish and a little superficial. I liked to drink- a lot and I was "fun". Now, what makes me really happy is spending time with DS. Then when DS naps I have housework, cooking, pumping...etc. to do.
I feel like DH is the exact same person as before DS was born. His interaction with DS is holding him when I ask him to. Not even paying attention to him but just holding him while he watches TV or is on the computer. He still wants to go out every weekend and sometimes will drink until he becomes belligerant and once or twice has drove home that drunk. This made me furious because he could have hurt himself or someone else or gotten a DUI or any number of things. I was disgusted at him. I told him that he was someone's parent now and he should grow up. I don't have any desire to drink anymore and even if I wanted to I couldn't because I EP.I do miss adult interaction but I think it will get better once the weather is better and DS and I can get outside. All of my friends work and few have children so, I don't talk to many of my girlfriends anymore.
The holidays have been rough because I despise DH's family. There is a serious shortage of manners, tact and class in that family. I could go on for days, but bottom line is that all of a sudden DH seems to care more about their feelings than DS and I (pre-baby, he was always on my side). FIL had the flu and wanted to hold the baby, DH got angry at me and didn't speak to me until I let his dad hold the baby. FIL then proceeded to kiss the baby all over his face, including on the mouth.
I feel like DH and I are so different now and our priorities are different. I tell him this and he just tells me that he will want what I want and do whatever makes me happy, but I feel like he just says this. That is always his answer, "Whatever you want..." But nothing ever changes. He isn't growing up or taking parenthood any more seriously. I love him, but I just want to like him like I used to. I don't know if it can ever work if I keep feeling this way.
So, if anyone has made it this far... be honest, am I crazy or can I blame this on cabin fever?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The new me doesn't like DH all that much...
I can totally relate with a lot of what you are saying. DH and I have really had a rough time since DD was born. We are both so in love, but it is a HUGE transition.
Before I had DD I was the same way - drinking a lot, "fun" - geez I was in Vegas every other weekend! DD was a big surprise - a WONDERFUL surprise that changed my life for the better and gave it purpose. The moment I found out I was pregnant my life changed and my priorities changed. Not so much for DH. He was still out drinking and partying, etc.
Once the baby came he calmed down a lot but it's still a lot of the same stuff. After a particulary rough evening my BIL told me something that really made a lot of sense - When I got pregnant and started changing physically, I started changing emotionally. For DH, that change started when the baby was born. You and I both had 9 months to prepare and transition. But our husbands didn't, the real change happened when we gave birth. We have to give them time to get used to all the changes.
That being said, he needs to know when he is in the wrong - putting his life in danger by drinking and driving, or compromising your son's health.
My suggestion is to sit down with him - without anger - and let him know he is trying to get used to all the life changes, and that you are proud of how far he has come, but you are concerned about his partying ways.
I know this is the longest response ever! If you need to talk or ANYTHING email me at cristina.edwards@gmail dot com. I am totally experiencing the same thing, it does get better!!!
I'd say a good bit of what you are feeling is the cabin fever. It's hard when you stay at home and don't get adult interaction. It's even harder because the weather is crappy and you can't get out. I feel bad for you, that you're stuck in the house with a newborn in the middle of winter. It will get better. I used to just go to Target and walk around- to get out of the house and keep my sanity.
I've found that my husband didn't really "get" spending time with DD until she was around five or six months old. She was so much more interactive. He actually told me that he didn't want to work any more overtime because DD was finally "fun" to be around. LOL. Sometimes men take just a bit longer to understand the whole bonding/taking care of a baby thing.
I can't speak to your husband wanting to go out and drink, drive drunk, etc. My husband and I are homebodies. (We live 1800 miles away from our friends and family. The friends we have here aren't married and don't have kids). Your husband does need to get his head out of his ass_ concerning that stuff. My husband stopped the driving tipsy stuff when we got married. He recognized that it wasn't just "him" anymore.
My advice:
1. Talk to him about how you feel.
2.. Pump enough BM to last a day (at least five hours) and then leave DS with DH. You should go get a mani/pedi or just go read a book at a coffee shop.
Best of luck to you.
Well I disagree with the previous poster in that what you are feeling is 'just' cabin fever'.
I think as another poster said, you had 9 months to emotionally grow and your DH didn't. But even now that the baby is here, I assume that you bearing most of the responsibility.
I know that you enjoy and find pleasure in spending time with your baby, but consider one night a week that is just for YOU. Go get your nails done, go out with a girlfriend, go see a movie in peace and quiet, etc Leave baby and hubby at home to bond and this allows your husband to see just a small glimps of what your day is like with the baby - both the pros and cons.
Don't shy away from an occassional girl away weekend and allow him time for him and just baby to be together. I know a lot of women who feel that they can't just leave their husband with the baby and of course they themselves do not want to be away from baby but ... it is healthy and will really be good for both baby and hubby to have that special bonding time and this allows baby to be able to be with someone else without you.
Good luck!
I just want to reiterate that I did not say it was "just" cabin fever.
Thank you! I already feel so much better knowing that I am not crazy.
Crissyjo-It makes sense that I have had more time to become a mom because really, I have been a mom since the moment I found out I was pg. He didn't feel like a dad until the day DS was born. I really never thought of it that way. I definitely want to talk to DH and let him know exactly how I am feeling (this time when he is sober!)
jacksjerseygirl and levens- I know that I also need to give him more opportunites to bond with DS, but it is hard for me when I see that he doesn't interact with him, but just hold him while he watches TV or whatever. Hopefully it becomes easier for them to bond as DS becomes more "interactive". Then maybe I can get out of the house and -gasp- do something for myself!
Thank you all again!
i really hope this gets better for you as the baby gets older and more interactive. i noticed that you are 23. i'm not sure how hold your dh is, but if he is around you age it may take him a little longer to get used to the role of dad and not just of doing what he wants.
the only thing i would suggest is asking him to turn off the tv when he holds the baby. just tell him it's not healthy for the baby to be exposed to too much (or any) tv, and maybe the two of them could just hang out for a bit. i'm sure baby is starting to smile, and that will help. i hope it gets better.
Ditto this advice. Although I need to take the advice from #2 myself. Lol.
I think that you are more frustrated than you would be due to cabin fever, but really... he can not go around thinking its okay to drink and drive, or to let sick people kiss the baby, thats just plain irresponsible. Those major things are the ones I would address first if I were you.
I totally think that the explanation of men not having time to emotionally prepare for parenthood makes some sense. However, I refuse to use that as an excuse for such dangerous choices.
Ditto all the pp. And I just wanted to let you know that there are lots of times that I don't like DH too much either. I still love him a lot and can't imagine my life without him. But, jeez, he drives me nuts. And he is soooo helpful with DD, so I'm not really sure what MY problem is except that I am 100% focused on baby and I don'tgive other aspects of my life priority at all.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I read another post about the realtionship being easier when DCs get to 4 months. I hope so...
You are definitely not alone in your situation. I totally agree with PP's that we had 9 months to transition to mommyhood and it will take our husbands awhile to make the transition.
My DH wasn't super interactive with the baby when he was really young, He would hold him and talk to him, but when he wanted to watch t.v he would do it and kind of ignore that the baby was fussing. One major thing that helped us was my going back to work nights. Now hubby has him for 2 whole nights a week. I have noticed that he is much more helpful now and his relationship with DS is even stronger. I know its hard but leaving your son alone with your husband might be a really good thing.
I realized this week that my husband and I have always had little rough patches but they were balanced with fun nights out, weekend camping trips, trips to the movies, etc. Now we have rough patches and baby! We haven't been alone together since the baby was born and hopefully that will change soon.
Just realize that this is not forever. Once baby is more "fun" your husband will most likely take more interest in him. He needs to stop partying so much and the whole thing with your FIL would have put me over the edge. But he does need some time to change.
Ok I think i just rambled for a pretty long time! Just wanted you to know you are not alone.
drinking and driving and drinking to the point of belligerence sucks - whether dh is ps used to the idea of being a dad or not. and letting his flu-ey dad hold and kiss the baby?? not to mention it sounds like your fil is a complete selfish priiick - insisting on holding and then kissing the baby while he's ill. who DOES that?? besides someone who is mentally challenged?
you need to stand your ground. and no excuses for dh's horrible behavior. it is not ok for him to show complete disregard for you and the baby - which is what he's doing by driving drunk and by acting hostile because you want to protect your child from getting ill - regardless of whether or not he's "used to" being a dad. tough shiit.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I find that flipping out on DH every once in a while does wonders. I totally lost it on Christmas night after coming home (later than expected) from his family party and needing to BF and get DD ready for bed immediatly after coming home. I hadn't eaten dinner so I was dying. I finish getting DD to sleep, and I walk out to find that DH spent the entire time filling his face while watching TV rather than cleaning up the kitchen, stuffing inserts in our cloth diapers, or making me a snack. This is after I spent most of the Christmas gathering sitting around BFing, often in a room away from the action because DH's 2 brothers and father didn't want to invade my privacy. I proclaimed it to be the worst Christmas of my life.
Since that blowup, he's been asking me what he should to do help more often, especially in the evenings. He still doesn't contribute nearly as much as I do to the parenting process, but knowing that he's paying better attention (at least for a few days) helps me get through it.
He's also a big advocate of BFing, and I basically told him I was quitting if I didn't get more help around the house. Like you, I spend all of my "baby breaks" pumping, cleaning parts or bottles, and doing laundry. We're also stuck inside due to nasty weather. It's making me crazy.