NPR: in knots over situation with my friend

femmegem

This is guaranteed to be long since I've been obsessing about it for, oh, the last three years or so. So if you can make it through this, I commend you and really appreciate it.

I have (had?) a friend named Amy. We were friends for 8 years. We lived together for 2 of those years and later bought condos in the same building and lived one floor away from each other for another year. We were really close and both dated a lot, so we joked that if we didn't marry by a certain point we would be each other's life partners.

We're both Geminis and tend to be a bit flighty, so we did have times during our friendship where we would fall out of touch for months on end, sometimes as long as a year at a time.

Anyway, in December of 2004 her mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It had already metastasized by the time they discovered it. They did chemo and she fought really hard, but she ended up dying in August of 2005.

When her mom was diagnosed with cancer, I was in the midst of planning my wedding (which was in June) and preparing to move across the country to live with my new ILs. We moved two weeks after the wedding. It wasn't exactly a stress-free time in my life. I'm ashamed to say that I was not as supportive of Amy as I could have been as a result. I rarely called her, although of course if she called me I would spare as much time as she needed to talk. She was deeply hurt that I wasn't more available for her. We had a big, blow-out conversation that involved a lot of tears sometime in July where I apologized for not checking in on her more often and vowed to do what i could to make up for it by calling every day after that.

I did, up until my honeymoon, when I felt like I should devote my attention to my new husband (our honeymoon was about a month and a half after the wedding because of our move). Her mom died while I was on my honeymoon and I couldn't make it to the funeral- it was literally impossible because of the timing of our flights.

Anyway, our friendship has never been the same since. Whenever I talk to her she talks about how her mom's illness and death was a time when she found out who her true friends were, and I know I'm one of those friends who let her down. She also was very angry with me when all was said and done, angrier than I think was warranted. I feel like I bore the brunt of her grief over her mom's death. I just got to the point where I dreaded talking to her. As a result I have stopped calling and so has she. We don't speak any more. I think the last time we spoke was when I told her I was pregnant with DS.

I can't help but feel that so many things are left unsaid, but I don't know what to say. I think about her often but I feel sick just thinking of picking up the phone. I've apologized. I've told her how weird it seems that we just don't talk any more. I know how hurt she was and I know it sucks that I wasn't there for her more during such a pivotal, painful time in her life, but I can't turn back time. So what else is there to say? I already feel like the world's biggest a-hole for letting her down in the first place, so to have it reiterated pretty much every time we talk is bad. Hence the reason I no longer call her.

This is on my mind again because I sent her one of our holiday cards this year and just got a very brief response that I'm reading way too much into. But basically it's just confirming that we're really no longer friends.

I don't know what I'm looking for her. Perspective? Any thoughts? I guess, I don't know. I've just been turning this over in my mind for so long and it's been eating away at me. I just feel so sad over the whole thing.

Try not to flame. I already feel horrible about this. And I'm certain I've left all kinds of stuff out that I should have mentioned, but I seriously just can't see the forest for the trees in this situation any more. 

oparcm

I think you are a good friend because this does bother you.  My mom died suddenly and there were ppl who were more supportive than others but I think you are bearing some of her anger because when your mom dies, you want to blame someone.  You just happened to be it.  I think you should write her a letter telling her how you really feel about her and the situation.  I can tell you that my mom died 3years ago and it is still hard.  Not on a daily basis but I do think about my mom everyday.  Everyday.  I would just tell her that you miss the friendship and all that you are feeling.  You also can't carry the grief that she carries because it is her grief.  That is something everyone deals with differently.  I can tell you that my sister and I are so not close since my mother died.  We handled the grief differently.  My sister became angry about the death and .....it has never been the same.  You are a good friend to her that you care.  I hope it works out.

ready2go

what was her brief response? 

in times like this where you'd ideally LIKE to preserve the friendship, I say give it one final shot of telling her how you feel -- one last apology to say you're sorry you weren't there for her in the way you wish you had been and would like a chance to be friends again.  If she agrees (and stops mentioning what you did or did not do every time you talk) then maybe you can get back to the place you were a long time ago.  If she isn't responsive, then I think that's it, but at least you'll know you tried that one last time to say the right things and start over.  Like you said, you can't change the past.  There are always things we'd change if we could.  I'm sure you weren't terrible or anything and are beating yourself up more than you should. 

I've been in similar situations (wishing I did things differently in a friendship) and it sucks.  Chances are your friend has done the same with another friend of hers.

(((((hugs)))))

kjr

I would never flame you for that.  It sounds like a really awful situation for everyone involved. 
I am sorry that you lost a good friend. 

If you feel like so much is left unsaid, then I would write her a letter telling her everything you have to say and how you feel.  It may not fix anything, but at least you will know you did everything you could.  And you will know that you didn't leave anything unsaid that could have changed things. 

I hope that you two can one day find your way back to being friends, and if not, I hope you can find peace with that.  Just don't beat yourself up over it!

shouldbeworkin

I think you are right when you say that she took her grief out on you.  I'm not sure if there's anything you could have done to make her happier.  Maybe it upsets her that you were going through such a happy time when she was going through such a sad time? 

IMO, friendship goes both ways.  It doesn't really sound like she was there for you during a happy or stressful time in your life either.  It sounds like she wants it all to be about her.  If it was me, I wouldn't be so inclined to make it anything more than a casual acquaintance.

 I have a friend like that, as well.  She was roommates with another friend (actually chose to live with her over me) and their relationship soured during the year they lived with each other.  I chose not to get stuck in the middle and maintained a friendship w/both of them.  During that same time my sister was going through an awful divorce and I had some pretty seriously relationship problems of my own.  She ended up not asking me to stand up in her wedding b/c I wasn't there for her.  She could never see that I was going through something at the same time and that she really wasn't there for me either.  IMO, a true friend is understanding about these things and accepts that you did the best you could. 

femmegem

Man, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted just by posting this. I've started to write this so many times and always stop because I've been so afraid people would flame me or think less of me. Thanks so much for these kind responses.

I think I will sit down and write her a letter telling her how much I regret how I behaved and how I feel about how our friendship has been since then. I just think it sucks that so many years of friendship is now gone because of this. I have to at least try. I think if I do that and she still is angry or unresponsive I can at least finally have some peace with the situation. 

femmegem

Oh, the note is nothing bad at all, and given that it's in response to my holiday card that was a photo with nothing personal written on it I'm probably reading way too much into it. This is what it says:

"Happy holidays! Glad to see you are all well. Hope Alex enjoys the beach; looks like he is a momma's boy. As it should be.

Please tell your mom and dad I said hello and that I think about them. I hope they are both well and in good health.

Hope this message finds you well."

Like I said, nothing bad at all. It's just really brief and it hurt me a little that she said she thinks of my parents and not of me. But, again, I wrote absolutely nothing in the card I sent her (I wasn't even sure she was at the same address so I didn't want to send anything too elaborate in case it got lost in the mail) so I really can't complain. I tend to be overly sensitive and I'm moreso in this situation because of everything that's happened. 

femmegem

Thanks PMQ. Good advice!