Telling people...long sorry — The Bump

Telling people...long sorry

So we had dinner last night with the In-laws and two other family members.

The in-laws know we are starting the process and all that jazz. DH blurts out to the other people there all about what is going on. I am talking from fertility to now adoption. I was a little shocked to say the least.

It went well and all that but I am just a little more reserved in people knowing. I don't know why. So I asked him later why he told them and he said "well we were talking about babies and I didn't want them to wonder about us" LOL Stick out tongue Is anyone else like me and a little shy about telling people.  I know they are family and more than 100% supportive, but it still makes me feel strange. I guess it is the process seems so long and we are at the starting gate, and I don't want to have to answer questions every time we see them.

 Please tell me I am not alone here, or this make any sense. I feel like maybe something is wrong with me not wanting to tell every person in the extended family right away.

Re: Telling people...long sorry

  • i agree with you. i think you should do what's comfortable for you. i can totally understand not wanting to share your decision with many people, especially, since it can be a long process. who, honestly, wants questions along the way??




    After 7 years of marriage and 5 unsuccessful IVFs, we have been granted the gift of adopting a baby boy, born 4/21/11.
  • We only told a handful of people about our IF until we were about 10 months into treatments. Then we told our immediate families (parents/siblings). That was all. So far we've told the same people about adoption plus a few more. For me it's more about not knowing how to tell. It's not like a pregnancy announcment. So far I've been waiting for babies to come up and then going with it that way.

    Our SW did encourage us to tell everyone though. Same as if we were expecting. Part of that is for the networking. I think on Christmas when people say "what's new" or "what have you been up to" they'll get an answer they aren't expecting :-)

     Do what you're comfortable with when you're comfortable. I would suggest talking this through with DH though so that you are on the same page.

  • I feel the same way. ?Lots of our friends and immediate family know about the miscarriages, since a couple happened at the end of the first tri. ?People don't understand and say things that just come out wrong. ?Or they don't say anything. ?I'm dreading the same types of things happening when we tell them about adopting.

    Part of me is really excited and wants to tell, but we did that with pregnancies, so I'm a little burned out. ?Plus, unless someone has gone through it recently, I don't want their opinions and I don't want all the questions about what is going on. ?Our family is full of adoption--I'm adopted and DH's aunts and uncles are adopted. But that was most recently in the early 70s! ?I'm dreading all the "when we adopted....." comments.?

    Maybe once we make some decisions on the agency and country, then we'll feel more comfortable telling people. ?

    Good luck to everyone through the holidays with all of those questions!?

  • Hi! We have slowly been telling people about our IF and adoption. As of now, the only people who "know all of it" are our parents, my siblings, and my 2 best friends. There are others who know some of i t, but we want to take things a little at at time, and since we still have 2.5 years until we can apply for the program we want, it does not make sense for us to get everyone excited now. But I can totally understand where you are coming from. DH and I agreed that I would be the one to decide how/when we tell people since the IF is on my side and he did not want to over-share, does that make sense? Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
    Photobucket My Favorite Part of Spring~Red Sox Baseball!
  • We told parents, siblings, close family and the friends who we knew we wanted to ask to write letters of recommendation first.  And after we had personally told the important ones let the moms share with more extended family, and DH started blogging about it.  We are very open about the adoption partly, as a pp said because of networking, but also because you never know who might be in a similar situation. 

    But what I didn't like was that DH kept saying that "home-brewing" wasn't working so we were going to adopt.  I had to tell him to stop sharing that because with the exception of close friends/ some family, people didn't know about our IF and that part wasn't their business.  He finally stopped when he knew it bothered me.  I will share the adoption news with everyone, but the reasons for us are more private and we might talk about it if someone asks, but it depends on who and why. 

    You have to pick what you feel comfortable with, if you want to wait until the paperwork is submitted, or you have picked an agency that is your choice. Just like people wait until different points in their pregancy to tell everyone.  It sounds to me like YH is excited and wanted to share the wonderful news with everyone.

  • Yes.  I was VERY much the same way.  Normally DH is the more reserved one, and I tend to "wear my heart on my sleeve" I guess.  But once we hit IF, that part of me just sort of shut down.  I was painfully private about it.  DH literally had to drag me to tell even my own parents that we'd officially been diagnosed w/ IF and weren't sure how or even if we were going to have children.  That was a fun day.  Confused

    Anyway, I found that once I told a few close people, it actually made things a little easier.  And I was amazed at how many people had had experience with IF and/or adoption.  For me, it got easier over time to be able to share things with close friends or family.  But I also wouldn't feel the need to share EVERYTHING.  When your child is involved, you won't want to be sharing absolutely every detail of their adoption b/c that is really a private family thing, IMO.  So it's a fine line.  Tell what you are comfortable sharing, but don't feel pressured to say more than you want to.  Smile

  • image Married3.22.03:

    Anyway, I found that once I told a few close people, it actually made things a little easier.  And I was amazed at how many people had had experience with IF and/or adoption.  For me, it got easier over time to be able to share things with close friends or family.   Smile


    I agree 110%! 

    Photobucket My Favorite Part of Spring~Red Sox Baseball!
  • My family knows because they've known since my first m/c about our struggles to start a family. DH's family knows nothing. I asked him if he thought they'd be supportive about adoption and he said yes, but we'll wait and see what their real reactions are.

    In the meantime we're keeping this to ourselves. I have to admit, there are times I just want to blurt it out to the world, but I know that we're still REALLY early in the process and I"m bound to get some negative reactions along the way. I want to take some concrete steps in the adoption process before we get the families involved in things.

    Long story short, I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It's a fine line of how much to tell when that minimizes the stress you may already be dealing with.

  • Maybe you should be more clear with DH about who, when and what you want to tell other people. He just might be excited lol?

    We personally are treating how, when and what we tell people as if we were pregnant. So basically all of our friends and family, and few others know all about our adoption process. We even started a web site to keep them all up to date with the process, what step we are in, an FAQ about adoption, and pictures as we built the nursery.

    This is such an exciting time for us and I guess we just love sharing it with anyone as if I had a physical baby bump.

    BUT - everyone is different, everyone has to move through the adoption process at their own speed and in their own way that makes them comfortable and happy. So if it makes you uncomfortable tell DH what information you are okay with sharing and with whom.

    ?Good luck!?

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