Do I say something to my mom? She means well

Dr.Loretta

Ever since I told her we were researching adoption, she has presented me with every "miracle adoption" story out there. I should be glad that she's not telling me adoption horror stories, but they still annoy me.

Apparently 2 people in her town were either trying to adopt or were thinking of adding to their family, just happened to meet a woman in the hospital who had just given birth, and took their child home that day to adopt them. And a friend of my SIL's apparently went to Ethiopia, walked into the hut of a dying woman, and took her child back to America to adopt him.

Either I'm woefully ignorant of the adoption process in CA and Ethiopia, I'm getting twisted stories from my mom second- or third-hand, or this stuff is really happening and I don't need to worry about homestudies and background checks.

I am of course concerned that i'll have to do a lot of explaining on the back end when we are doing said homestudies and background checks, and my mom is asking why we can't just take a child home from our local hospital.

So do I smile and nod when she says this stuff, or try and educate her on the process from my perspective?

*Erin&Mike*

From experience-my family has really appreciated all of the information I can give them on the entire process.  Some of our family members had the mentality of going to the hospital to pick up a baby-if it were only that easy!  So in my opinion-I would try and educate her the best you can. 

And while she obviously means well in the stories she's telling you-you can gently tell her-that unfortunately it may not be that easy for you-because of reasons A, B, and C. 

Good luck!

beachgal0114

Lurker butting in here...I would try to explain the process to your mom, and emphasize that while there may be "miracle adoption" stories like that out there, the reality is much more involved.  I posted a while back that my mom thought adoption just involved going to the orphanage and picking up a baby---for free.  She had no idea how lengthy and costly it could be, and was glad I shared my limited knowledge on the process.  Try to educate your mom, and maybe politely ask her not to share these stories as they don't really help you through the process. Good luck!

Ranita

I really agree with the other posters.  It's wonderful that your mom is sharing these with you from the perspective that is seems to show her support and excitment at your choice to add to your family through adoption.  However, the homestudy process can feel like running through quicksand at some points and we all know about the 'hurry up and wait' feeling and if your mom is so supportive now, you'll want that support when you feel like life is going in slow motion rather than feeling your situation aggrevated by someone asking what's taking so long when that's already what you're feeling.  My family has really appreciated being educated both on the legal and burocratic process as well as on attachment, adoption friendly vocab etc.  I would suggest that if you have a close relationship with your mom, be proactive and include her in the to do list portion of your process as much as you're comfortable so that she can know how to support you and so that she can understand what you're going through and what this adventure really entails.

Dr.Loretta

Thanks for the responses. Unfortunately I have a tendency to be short with my mom (even though I love her to bits), especially when it comes to this topic and her stories. I'm more likely to flat out tell her that's not how it works than to explain the process we're looking at. I was really good about being positive over Thanksgiving, so I'll give it a try in this arena as well.

nisems

Would she be receptive to a book on adoption?  I saw one on Amazon a while back that was written specifically for the families of prospective adoptive parents (I don't remember the name, but I'm sure if you search amazon you could find it).  That way, you're still getting her the information and you won't have to worry about conveying ALL of the messages yourself, (I tend to be short with my mom too so I feel your pain!)

Good luck!

CaptainSerious

I, too, would advise you to try to explain the process to her.

If you think you might not be able to do this well, there are a couple of books out there that we found (after much searching) that help.  We bought three, although I can only think of the names of two right now:

When Friends Ask About Adoption: Question & Answer Guide for Non-Adoptive Parents and Other Caring Adults; and

Supporting an Adoption.

We actually gave copies of the third book we bought to our parents, as it was geared toward how grandparents can support the adoptive family.  The book was printed in the UK, so not all the specifics apply, but it gives a general idea of the process and some of the issues involved in adoption. 

One book I would stay away from is:  Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know, because the reviews I've read have made it sound as if it takes a patronizing and nasty tone.

On a separate note, it is possible that your mother's story about that Ethiopian adoption is true.  There are a lot of bizarre and unethical things that happen in the world of international adoption, but it is our job as prospective adoptive parents to make sure that our process is performed as ethically and humanely as possible.

For example, my father is from Egypt, and my parents visited this spring, and told my family about our adoption plans.  My cousins could not fathom why it's such an involved process, because all I would have to do to adopt an Egyptian baby would be to go to the orphanage run by the nuns.  There, I would be able to pick out a baby, they would issue (read "forge") a birth certificate indicating that I was the biological mother, and we would be sent on our way as a family.  This is entirely outside the legal system and entirely unsanctioned, but it is also done frequently and openly enough for several people to have suggested it to my parents.  So, just because some of these stories may seem unbelievable does not mean that they are completely out of the realm of truth.

Mrs_Rod

As far as my family, I always try to educate them.  These are ppl that will be there through out the process and they should understand certain things.

BurkeJax

I would try and educate her a little. My MIL actually borrowed my Adoption for Dummies. If she is open to something like that it might help her.

 

Tell her the doorbell does not ring and a baby is in a basket...LOL 

kirstenw05

Enough said here already, but the one thing I'll add is that it sounds like your mom is really trying to connect with you on the topic and be "excited" for you, I would try to give her as much slack as possible, knowing that moms are here to make us crazy once were old enough to not depend on them for our very lives.