Funerals and babies

EggRock

Hi girls,

My father-in-law was killed in a car crash on Sunday night.  There is going to be a wake on Thursday evening and a funeral on Friday morning.

I can't figure out what to do with the girls.  I know the extended family wants them to be there, but at the same time I don't want them to be either too much of a distraction or an interruption.  There's just no way I could get 3 one-year old girls to behave perfectly for a 3 hour wake- there aren't enough Cheerios in the world for that.  I don't know what I'd do if one of them had a meltdown, or a laughing fit, in the middle of a somber moment.  I could see both happening easily.

Do I go, but only stay for a little while?  I kind of have to be there, since it is my husband's father.  And what do you have babies wear for these things?  All baby clothes are cute and happy, not meant for sad occasions like wakes or funerals.

Thanks for your advice.

cands

I'm so sorry about your FIL. I think that generally it is fine to bring babies to wakes and funerals, but in this case, you need to be able to focus on supporting your DH.  I'd get a sitter.  If you think it's important for the family to have the girls there, have the sitter bring them to the wake for 20 minutes or so, and then take them back home.  As for what they should wear, I wouldn't worry about trying to make their outfits funeral.  I'd skip anything with wording on it, but just dress them in a normal outfit even if it's pink or purple or whatever.

FloF9

Oh gosh - how awful for you and your DH.  I too would get a sitter but have them come to the wake briefly.

Lani Lyons

Just wanted to say I'm so sorry about your father in law. If it were my situation, I would probably also bring my babies for a brief time, then take them home.

JBSugar

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.  Can you take them for the "before" part when everyone is talking, etc. and then maybe go into another room for the actual funeral parts, etc?  That way you'll be there when it's over and people can see them again?  IDK....that's a tough one.  GL

pea-kay

oh, no...i'm so, so sorry for your loss. how awful. i guess you would just have to go for a little while. is there anyone who can watch them? will the wake be going on after they go to sleep? can you go after that?

as far as the clothes go, don't sweat it. no one expects babies to wear black at such a time. 

i'm so sorry.

mrskimmieD

First, I am so sorry.  Your family will be in my thoughts.

If it were me, I wouldn't take the babies - for the same reason's you are saying.  However if it is your husband who truly wants them there, I would get a sitter to bring them for a little bit and then take them home.  I would dress them in a solid color outfit with nothing written on it.

caseybog

I am so sorry for your loss.  That is so devastating - I hope DH is holding up.

Unfortunately, I have lots of experience with your situation. My mom died when my niece was 2 weeks old, and my dad died when my babies were three weeks old.  For my mom's services, my sister brought her daughter to the wake.  My mom was sick and her passing was imminent, and everyone thought of my little niece Ava as a beacon of light during everything. So, she brought the baby to the wake and it kind of lightened the situation.  However, she was only a few weeks old, so she slept during most of it. 

I didn't bring my babies to my dad's services, but I did bring them to the reception afterwards. My sitter (ILs) dropped off the girls for me at the reception hall, which was great.  It gave everyone the opportunity to see the babies without them being a distraction at the church services.

HTH, and take care.

EggRock

Thanks for all your well wishes and advice.

I think I am going to bring them, but just for a little while.  The wake starts at 4 in the afternoon, so I can bring them when they wake up in a good mood from their naptime.  Then I think I'll bring them to a relative's house nearby for the rest of the time.

It's a messy situation, the crash is still under investigation- sounds like there was alcohol involved but also some other underlying medical situation.  The crash scene covered 1/4 mile, and he was pulled out of the car by a witness right before the car burst into flames.  There are understandably a lot of heated and conflicting family emotions involved, so I just want to find a way to be respectful and not upset anyone by bringing or not bringing the girls.

Mrs. Destructo

I am so, so sorry about your loss.

I, too, have experience in this situation. My stepdad's dad died when my boys were about 6 months old. He had been sick for a long time, so his passing was not a suprise, so I think the situation w/our families was quite a bit different. It was also the tail end of RSV season, and nobody in the family had met the boys yet.

We took them to the funeral (there was no wake). Everybody loved having them there, even though one of the boys had a major meltdown during the service. It was actually a wonderfully sweet thing when it happened - the pastor worked the meltdown into the services by making  a comment about how one life ends another begins. During the reception after the funeral, almost everybody came up to talk to us and thanked us for reminding them of how life starts.

 So I think your plan sounds great. If the babies tolerate the funeral well enough you may want to keep them there the entire time, but it is a good idea to have a backup plan.

Jessarella

I just want to say I am so sorry. That sounds like a horrible car accident. Your poor DH. I would bring the kids, and as soon as they start being a handful, then leave.

I am sure there will be family there that will find comfort in holding a child, so maybe you wont have to leave as soon as you think.

lovethe1story

I am so sorry to hear about your father in law.  We are in a similar situation and have a funeral tomorrow for dh's cousin.  She died in a car fire on Friday and it is also under investigation.  Such a terrible time.

We are going to bring the babies to the service.  On one hand, I don't want them to be a distraction.  But on the other hand, they bring so much joy to the family.  Dh's aunt especially needs to some distraction right now after losing her daughter.  Dh and I think that it is great that the babies can bring some happiness to everyone during this time of great sorrow.

Our thoughts will be with you and your family...

Trina

FaeryStarGazer

Oh no! I am so sorry to hear about your FIL, how awful Where is the wake? If it's at MILs house, then I think the girls would be OK. People understand that you need to be there and the girls need to be there, too. If it happens- if they srart laughing at a time when they shouldn't, just try to take the offender(s) out of the room, or ask one of your friends to come along and help, since H is going to have his hands full.

As for what to wear, Old Navy had some really cute little navy dresses in a couple different patterns. Throw a little cardigan over it and some thick tights underneath and you're all set.

kyluvsaj

I am so sorry for your loss.

HisLobster

I'm sorry to hear about your father-in-law.

I'm not sure what to tell you but maybe you could see if there was a family room where you could take them away from everyone. I know at the funeral home that my family uses, there's a family room for whatever the family needs (to get away, to eat, to let the kids play).