If you've gone through a rough patch in your marriage, please come in

femmegem

I don't know. Things are just bad right now. DH is completely stressed out and everything I do gets on his nerves. He's constantly snapping at me or rolling his eyes at me or sighing over something I've done and I'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it. My feelings are hurt all the time. I struggle a lot with my self esteem and this is not helping. I feel like a gigantic pain in the ass and nothing more.

I told him yesterday that recently he's making me feel like he wants me to be a pretty face and to not speak at all. But I don't know what to do about it. We've both said our piece, but he's still constantly annoyed and I'm still constantly hurt. How do we move on? If you moved on, how did you do it?

I know part of it is that it's the end of his semester so his stress levels are high, but it always seems like there's something stressing him out. I feel like we're always aiming for the next thing that means relief will come, but it never does.

Ack, I don't know. I'm just not sure sometimes what to think. 

femmegem

Okay, just to clarify, I'm being a bit overdramatic here. It's not that bad. But he's annoyed at me a lot. Like at least half the time. Not all the time.

I just had to clarify that or I'm making things out to be a lot worse than they are. 

ElizabethD

could he have depression?  Would he be willing to talk with a counselor at his school? 

I'm sure the loving side of him is annoyed at HIMSELF for being such a @ss but he doesn't seem to understand why he's so nasty, so instead of figuring it out he just keeps on keeping on...

My dh and I have had the most intense 5 year marriage with a lot of things I'll never post about on a public message board.  The key is to keep the respect... and when you lose that potentially seeking a trained counselor who can help get you guys to a place you used to be in with more love.

*hugs*

Kersbear

I haven't, but just wanted to say I'm sorry things are rough right now and *hugs*.  Maybe talk to him about going to couples counseling together?

finallymarried

we reached the point where we needed counseling....if you would like to talk to me more about it you can email me at leibner at centurytel . net

femmegem

I'm going to log off so I can get ready for bed (maybe I'll actually go to bed early tonight), but I will check back tomorrow to see if there are more responses.

Thanks to those who have already responded. I think we may be at the point where we'll have to do counseling. We don't communicate very effectively. 

Hooray2005

I have no great words of wisdom (as you've seen with my most recent posts, I'm in a similarly stressful situation), but just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you

I've liked what marriage researcher John Gottman has to say gottman.com. 

ElizabethD had some great advice/recommendations for Jodi a couple of days ago ... another therapy approach which made a lot of sense - emotion-focused, but can't remember the exact name.

Another book I love, which may be helpful to you for other moments in your life (when anger sneaks in... I've found the book quite helpful) is The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and there's also other books by this author, all very good.

(((((hugs)))))) 

brightning

We're kind of going through something like this right now, though it's getting a little better. I'm not sure how things got so bad, and I'm not exactly sure how they got better. But I just had to keep telling him all the time that he wasn't being nice, wasn't treating me like an equal, was belittling me, etc. In fact, a few days ago I had a mini-breakdown (crying, the whole bit) and said that for one day I would only like to hear kind words from him. No mocking me, no criticizing, no annoyance. He made fun of it, but he for the most part he did follow through and it felt so nice for one day to hear nice things. It felt silly at the time, but it made me realize how snippy he's been lately and I'm hoping it made him realize it too. Good luck! God knows it's not easy. I knew marriage was supposed to be difficult, but I didn't think this was part of the bargain.

pincushion

First off...You are beautiful and have a beautiful family.

.. you all have had a child, moved away from family, your DH is under a lot of pressure in 2 short years. You all have a lot on your plate. I know you are stressed about money and other things but you both need some "good times". Is there anyone that can watch your DS while you and DH have some reconnecting time?

ditto ElizabethD about respect. It sounds like your not getting any. That needs to stop.  I would try to find  a therapist. If you are having a hard time comunicating a 3rd party would help. Also you said that you were having severe PMS. That may need to be under control before moving things forward. This would probably also help with your migraines.

I can tell you that even my DH who is a licensed practicing psychologist sounds very similar to your DH.. and mine should know better. We have hit a rough patch and have been talking more lately. It is slowly getting better but we still need a lot of work.

 

 

 

femmegem

Thanks pin. I know you're right. Things are a bit unsettled right now, plus we know we're going to be moving again next year (well, we're 95% sure). I guess I keep thinking something has to give because this has been our life since we met. First he was in grad school, then we started moving for his jobs, so it's not like it's ever been easy. But I suppose it will get easier at some point. Say hopefully a year from now when he will hopefully have a tenure-track job and we'll hopefully be in the place we'll be living for the foreseeable future.

And the hormone stuff definitely isn't helping. I need to call to make an appointment tomorrow about that.

As far as the respect thing goes, he is trying, he's just tired and frustrated. He apologizes for making me feel bad but then does it again, but I don't think it's malicious- I really think he's just DONE, KWIM? He's physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted by all his job stuff, and then I come along and I'm all emotionally high-maintenance and he can't deal. Not that that makes it okay, but I can kind of understand, honestly.

Not that it makes it less hurtful when it happens. It's never particularly nice to feel like an annoyance, especially to your spouse. 

emilykristene2006

We hit these patches every once in a while.

"He's physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted by all his job stuff, and then I come along and I'm all emotionally high-maintenance and he can't deal." This was me. Always has been. I was very emotionally high-maintenence. Finally after years of it I went on medication for anxiety. I am much more relaxed and he is still tense.

The last time he was awful I wrote him a letter. I told him that our DD hears him speak to me the way he does. I will not allow him to show our DD that this is acceptable to take from a man. He will also teach our DS to be just like him. I guess that worked for him. He doesn't want our DD to have low self-esteem like I do. I asked him one day how he would like some man speaking to DD the way he does to me. He kept the letter so he can read it and put himself in check when he needs it.

I also started writing down every bad comment down. EVERY ONE of them. If I could have our camcorder going all the time I would, but the writing helped. He couldn't believe some of the things he said.

I suggest making that appointment. You can control you. Once you get yourself under control, you can work on the both of you with a clear head.

Just keeping communicating. I hope everything works out. GL!

Angela814

We go through the same thing a lot.  DH gets annoyed that I'm easily distracted and always trying to do multiple things at once.  I've been like that my whole life.  I'm not going to change, and it annoys me that he keeps bringing it up.  He's the one who chose to marry me. 

Most of the time I feel like we're not much more than roommates.  He wants to do family time on his watch, not on mine, which makes me want to deny him when he finally wants to do something together.  Why should I sit around waiting for him to be ready to spend time with me?

Even yesterday we were supposed to spend a nice day putting up the Christmas tree together.  To start the day, DD was a disaster in church.  We were both frustrated with that.  Then DH leans over to tell me that I need to wear a belt next time, and the tone he said it in just pissed me off.  It wasn't like a girlfriend saying, hey, your crack is showing.  It was a completely judgmental how could you wear those jeans tone.  So I was pissed at him and it carried over the rest of the day.

Sorry to take over your vent.  I completely understand how you feel.  I think our main problem is lack of communication, and I'm not quite sure how to fix that.  We have a few good days followed by a few bad weeks.

Chrisy-Wyobride

We did a few years back when I was pg w/ #2.  DH just was acting cruel & uncaring a lot to me.  It was really weird & out of character for him.  We were in the midst of getting ready to move out of state as well.  Well I had this really vivid dream that DH & porn (something we had agreed on would not be part of our marriage) when I was away for a couple days (looking for a new house) & it bothered me so much I mentioned to him I had a horrible dream...when I got home a couple days later, I decided to look on-line & see what he's been looking at...well sure enough, he had started looking at porn.  I know lots of people have it in their marriage but the way he treated me was directly in coorelation to his self gratification.  It all made sense.  I was beyond furious & thought about leaving.  He cried & said he never would again, begged for forgiveness. etc. But he never volunteered any further info or confession.  We had to go on vaction, so I went, then we moved but when I had time I looked more into it.  Found out the extent, got so mad & felt betrayed & left him (I went to my vacation home, thankfully my Mom had bought my sister & I a place to go if we ever needed it)...I didn't tell him when/if we'd (I had my older DD) be back.  We talked every night on the phone, he sent me letters, I held nothing back, nothing I was feeling nor ever felt, my options, etc...we talked more in that couple weeks than we had in the previous 2 years.  Finally 2 wks later I told him he could come up & see us (it was 6 hours away).  He begged me to come back w/ him & I did.  It was still rough for another year in that I didn't trust him, but he's NEVER treated me cruely or disrespectfully again.  He OK'd anything I wanted in order for me to trust him...and I required a lot.  Now over 2yrs later we are very good, probably better than we were ever.  I guess I am saying it was a process & I found the root of the way he was acting & dealt w/ it.  Maybe for your DH it's just stress, but you guys really need to figure out what brought this out & how to fix it.  Good luck.