Hi, I'm new to this forum, but since I don't feel like I can talk to my family just yet, I really wanted to get some advice from you all. Please, no negativity.
I'm 25 years old, and my fiance and I are getting married 11-8-14. I also just found out that I'm pregnant two days ago, and that I'm no more than 3-4 weeks (period ended on July 7th).
I am unsure whether or not I should keep this baby. My fiance and I know that we want children, but weren't planning on having them until about a year after we were married. We are in a 1 bedroom apartment, neither of us have very reliable vehicles right now, and even though we both have good jobs we only just started putting money aside. Plus, the pressures from getting this wedding underway are pretty intense. My family is very traditional as well, and I know that they would be very disappointed if they knew I was pregnant out of wedlock.
I have terminated a pregnancy before. When Brian and I first started dating, we were not careful and I ended up pregnant a month into our relationship. We terminated because things were so new, we were no where near ready for that. My family has no idea. Circumstances have changed greatly now, and we are in a good place, but it still feels like it's too soon. I don't know if we're ready for this.
My fiance is very supportive. He thinks we can work things out if we keep the baby, but he also agrees that it is too soon and that we aren't very prepared money wise. He is leaving the decision to me. I've begged him for more input, but he's remaining neutral. I want children very much, but I don't believe we are in the right place in our lives just yet. And I know this is very, very selfish of me, but I don't really like the idea of being a pregnant bride.
Any thoughts and advice would be appreciated, thank you for reading.
Katie
Re: need advice, unsure about pregnancy
Babies don't care how many bedrooms are in the house or how much money his/her parents have.......they just want to feel loved and secure. Once you have a baby, your life does shift and frees up money in other places (a lot of the time).
My parents had been dating three months when my mom found out about me in July......they were married in November that year. This year they will be married 33 years. I know that isn't everyone's story though......
At least you and your fiancée have already decided you want to be together forever. Besides, what is a year really going to prepare you for?
But in the end, this is your decision with your fiancée. Good luck!!
I can't tell you whether or not you should have an abortion. Only you & your FI can decide what is right for you.
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Aaaand when you don't believe in God, how does this help?
OP, the decision is yours. Firstly, discount your family's reaction. You don't live with them, you're an adult and they don't support you financially. I can confidently say that most traditional families will still be head over heels with any baby, even one conceived out of wedlock. It might take until your baby actually arrives for them to come around, but it's been my observation that most of them do.
Secondly, yes, babies cost money. But since you're early enough in your pregnancy, you absolutely have time to save for essentials. You can buy excellent things quality things second-hand if you need to. Infants need very very little in terms of "stuff" Yes, you could buy the super expensive crib and $1000 worth of toys, but the baby won't care about how much you paid for his or her bed and won't be playing with toys for quite a while. You have several months to save and budget, maybe the money you've already put aside for your wedding can become the baby fund.
That brings me to my last point; you don't have to be a pregnant bride. You can either move your wedding up a few months so you're not showing, or you can postpone until after you give birth. I understand you had a vision of your wedding being a certain way but you might have to be flexible.
Choosing to terminate a pregnancy is deeply personal, since you've done it before, you know that. None of us can tell you yes or no, just understand that no one is ever really 100% ready. Yes, some are more prepared than others but there are so many bumps in the road of parenthood, I don't think anyone thinks it's easy.
My point is this: things have a way of working out. DH and I were not at all prepared for this pregnancy. We were using condoms, to be honest, I'm not sure how I got pregnant. I grappled with the same decision you are right now. We're trying to buy a house, we don't have a ton of money or space but we decided to do it.
Whatever choice you make, think about getting an IUD so you can better protect yourself.
Abortion carries risks one of which is being unable to get pregnant in the future. If something goes wrong, can you live with that?
I terminated a pregnancy when I was 16 years old, not only was it unplanned/unwanted but it was forced upon me and I have never regretted the decision.
I have also had losses after terminating and it has never changed my mind on that decision.
I don't have any advice because terminating/keeping is such a personal decision and I don't feel like there is a wrong answer. I wish you luck and peace with your decision!
I don't want to come off as rude, but you should have protected yourself if you weren't ready. Especially since it's happened before. And being that you are so concerned with your family and wedding, there is probably no chance of you giving this baby up to a couple who can't have kids, i'm assuming? I have a hard time with it because I feel it's a bit selfish. I'm a bit biased though because I struggled with infertilty for numerous years and never thought I'd be able to have kids. I have never been put in your position, so I can't say I understand.
My DH and I were planning our wedding and were actually looking at venues the day before I got my BFP. The wedding has since been cancelled. We still married as we were planning on it anyways, but had a friend get ordained and did our wedding short, small and sweet. I didn't even wear a wedding dress. There are ways around it. And to be honest, my family is SUPER excited about baby on the way, WAY more than they were for the wedding.
I wish you the best of luck in your decision.
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TTC 10+ | Stage 4 Endometriosis
3 Laparscopy's
BFP - 06.15.2014
EDD - 02.16.2015
No I'm not suggesting that I do, however she did say that they both have good jobs... So that was my main point.
Perhaps they haven't saved yet for a child but if they're well off enough to pay for a wedding, I assume they can maybe rearrange some finances and make it work.
Welp. If you're not ready, then use protection. Easy as that. And it wasn't stated that she was using birth control or not. But being that it's happened once before, it doesn't sound like it. So you shut up.
ETA: If she was trying not to get pregnant, then I stand corrected. And as far as people "judging". Coming onto a website called "the bump" where 99.9% of the woman on here are trying to have kids, pregnant or already have kids, it's gonna get a little judgy. If you have the guts to ask that, then be prepared for answers you might not wanna hear.
Ultimately it's her decision. I'm sure she'll make the right one for her situation.
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TTC 10+ | Stage 4 Endometriosis
3 Laparscopy's
BFP - 06.15.2014
EDD - 02.16.2015
I'm not pro life, but when it came down to me having an abortion I couldn't do it. Yes the risk is low that something goes wrong and you can't have future kids, but it is a factor why I decided to keep my son. However little the risks, they should still be considered. Especially because she does plan on having kids in the future. How would you feel if you ended your last chance at ever having a baby?
Either way good luck.
I actually am pro choice. I called to schedule an abortion the second it said pregnant on the test. But when the person on the phone asked me if i wanted a d/c or to take the pill, I had to do some research to see what was better for me. That's when I decided I couldn't do it. And trust me, I had my parents in my ear saying I didn't have to marry him and I could have an abortion. I'm still pro choice.
With that said, I will always look at someone side eyed if they have more than one oopsie whether they abort or keep the babies... Because clearly they didn't learn anything from the first time.
Try to imagine the future. You seem very at peace with your decision several years ago, so IMO you made the right choice for you at the time. Your circumstances are different now. If it's worrying about your family's reaction, don't let that be he deciding factor. You are an adult. If you are independent of them then they should have no weight in your choice. This is between you and your FI. You have to weigh the pros and cons of each choice and choose those that's best for both of you. Good luck.
I am not going to say I was never judgmental on these things but that experience changed my perspective. We decided to terminate. It was a horrible thing to go through but it is what we decided and although I do think about the what-ifs from time to time - I don't regret it. Not only were we not ready - but I have autoimmune disorder that requires heavy meds which I was taking.
I am not going to say it was easy and you are always thinking is this right and what happens after and will I have a baby again? But isn't that the point of decisions - there will always be what-ifs, no matter what you decide.
I also understand where some people are coming from but unless you are in that position you just can't tell.
I am happy to say- I am 5 months pregnant and my DH and I are so happy!
You just need to write down the so called pros and cons of each choice. I wish you nothing but the best in what you decide!
I think Albert Einstein said, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
I guess dumb runs in the family.
You said you felt sorry for my kids and that I wasn't compassionate.
You act like you know me... my beliefs, my situation, my life.... well now you actually know a little bit.