Guilt and Giving up

cstan663 · July 2014

I am finally calling it quits with breast feeding. My son was in the Nicu for the first 3 weeks of his life and with the blood sugar issues he was having breast feeding was almost impossible to do with him. My milk never fully came in and I haven't been able to get more than an oz with my supply slowly dwindling from that. It's been over a month now of pumping, drinking horrible tasting tea, going to breastfeeding groups, and working with lactation nurses. I'm exhausted with trying and getting no results and hating the women who are like " Oh, I can pump out bottles and my baby latches wonderfully." Is formula really that bad for baby? I can't do this anymore but hate how guilty I feel about not being able to breastfeed him. Anyone else dealing with this and have any advice?

mrsbtobe20122 · July 2014

Sometimes we are our own worst critics... Giving ourselves self imposed guilt. Feed your baby. Enjoy your baby, instead of worry about what and how you feed your LO.

When we were struggling with feeding I was right where you are. I feel like I wasted time not enjoying my boy, and instead was so worried about my boobs, and amounts, etc.

hbird0723 · July 2014

Don't feel guilty! You need to do what's best for you and your family. Formula is just fine

I'm about to give up breastfeeding too if I keep getting mastitis! She won't take bottles though so probably can't. She favors one side and if I'm visiting family and don't have my pump it's always trouble. I feel like it just hasn't been what I thought it would be. My sister has done both and she says she bonded just as well with her kids who were on formula and they are strong and healthy.

Sam0905 · July 2014

Just want to say that I'm sorry you're going through this and I can definitely sympathize. My LO is almost 11 weeks and we are still having trouble with breastfeeding. I struggle all the time with whether we should stop or keep trying. It might be hard to let go, but maybe once you do, you'll feel a lot better. Don't feel guilty. Just know that you are doing what's best for you and your baby.

Tifers777 · July 2014

Yep all of the above what PP said! I had to do the same as I was taking 14 fenugreek a day, pumping every two hours, tea, water, you name it! I felt awful for wanting to give up but I was starting to resent my baby and didn't get to enjoy him. I cried about it for about a week and then just stopped. He's been FF for about 2 weeks now and him and I are so much happier! You did the most important part which is the beginning so don't beat yourself up over it. Hugs!

anations · July 2014

You are not giving up! You are doing what is best for you and your baby. Breast feeding has been a horrible nightmare for me and the guilt is real as I don't make enough for my two either. You do your best, but our generation was raised almost solely on breast milk and we turned out just fine. It is not giving up, it is finding the best way to give them nutrition. I am sorry you are going through this. I agree with PP about needing to enjoy your baby without stress. I hate that I have need so stressed and feel I have missed out on several weeks. Good luck!

whitehousem · July 2014

I tried so hard to BF all three of my kids and had so many problems (repeated mastitis, latch problems, raw nipples that wouldn't heal, clogged ducts, plenty of supply but babies not getting enough milk, etc.). There was so much guilt even though I promised myself I'd let myself off the hook if it didn't work out this time. But... I promise you the guilt goes away and you will look back and wonder why you were so hard on yourself and be greatful that you're not still suffering. At least that's been my experience. You're doing great! Enjoy your baby and take care of yourself.

laurblum · July 2014

As I sit here reading this I myself am pumping and thinking why am I still doing this?!?! It's guilt that's eating me and not letting me just drop it when it's clearly not working. Sounds like we both need to stop being so hard on ourselves. I know how you probably feel, I am so stubborn and hate to say that I just "quit". That's why I'm sitting here still trying to pump the most trivial amount of milk. Try to let it go. Formula is fine. Someone on here gave me a nice pick me up the other day by telling me the best thing we can do is love our babies. It's not like when they're all grown up they're going to say "you were a great mom except for the whole formula thing." Hope you stop stressing soon!

lauralou3x3 · July 2014

Formula is fine! I felt the same guilt although I had to give it up much sooner to get back on meds. The important thing is you are both happy. Physically and mentally!

lauralou3x3 · July 2014

And honestly I've been happier since I stopped pumping. Less parts to clean and one less thing to keep up with. It may sound selfish but I enjoy the time away from that Bc it gives me more time with baby.

ho11yday · July 2014

/hugs

Once I got over my feelings of inadequacy for not being able to breastfeed or pump for my ds1, I actually enjoyed formula feeding.

I don't have any suggestions about how to handle the guilt except time and a good support system.

How/what you feed your kid doesn't determine if you are a good mom.

KBowen715 · July 2014

If formula were bad, a majority of our population would be screwed.

Back when I had my older two (now 12 and 9), I was told that as long as I breastfed for the first two weeks, they'd see a majority of the benefits. I only EBF now because I can. You do what works for YOU, and baby will be happy.

Jelainey24 · July 2014

Switched to formula a few weeks ago and I've been enjoying having my body back, not wearing a bra to bed, not leaking at all hours of the day, ANYONE can feed my babe, I'm not strapped to the house on a schedule, I can stare at my LO in the eyes when I feed him and I've connected with him so much more that way, I can eat and drink whatever I want, I can take medication when I'm sick, DH can enjoy my boobs and sex is better. The only bad part for me is all the bottles. So lots of good stuff and only one bad!

caballo718 · July 2014

I feel your pain. I'm still breastfeeding but mostly pumping at this point. DS did really well with weight gain at his first month appt but not so well at his 2 month. He went from the 42nd percentile to the 25th. I feel like my supply has also went down and I wonder if that was from him not nursing well. So now I pump to monitor how much he eats and BF during the night. But a part of me just wants to throw in the towel and give formula. Pumping is stressful and I feel like I'm always stressed when/if I leave the house. I'm also scared for when I go back to work in September. Will I produce enough milk? Can I stay on schedule at work? I've already vowed if I have another child I highly doubt I will BF. It's very stressful and a lot of work. I give credit to moms who stick with it. If I didn't have to go back to work maybe I'd feel different. I'm going to stick it out as long as I can because I know the guilt will consume me. My goal was a year and still is but at this rate I'll be lucky to make 6.

CamrynnsMommy · July 2014

Don't feel guilty, formula is perfectly fine.

You being stressed and overwhelmed isn't good for anyone. Like PPs said, relax, enjoy your baby, and kudos for trying.

bridetobe9132013 · July 2014

Dont feel guilty! It sounds like you tried very hard. I gave up at 2 weeks and felt the same way. Everyone, even her pediatrician, reassured me that our happiness comes first and that formula is perfectly fine!

britab · July 2014

Don't feel guilty! I can breast feed easily and understand it doesn't happen that way for a lot of people. Enjoy your baby and FF!

We need to stop the mommy wars!

letal316 · July 2014

In my opinion, it's like choosing to feed your kid an apple or an orange. Would you feel guilty about feeding your kid an orange instead of an apple?

frasey · July 2014

don't feel guilty! I gave up around 7-8 weeks with dd - now mind you I never had any real problems, she just would not stop crying, ever, and I basically hated every minute of it. I love FFing, and we chose to do it from the start this time. Just do waht feels right for you and your baby!

QOTR · July 2014

I don't have anything new to add. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're feeling bad. Go easy on yourself. It doesn't sound like a decision you made lightly.

cnbean · July 2014

With DS1 I struggled with BFing and hated every minute of it. It got to the point that it was effecting my relationship with my baby and honestly just about everything else. But I was so guilt ridden at the thought of switching to formula. Finally after a month of that I realized that either way I was going to feel guilty/have regrets about something. I was either going to be feeling guilty that I didn't want to spend time with my son, or I was going to feel guilty that I wasn't BFing. That realization was what gave me the push to switch to formula. I figured I'd rather enjoy my baby than regret the time I missed later. DS1 is 2.5 now and honestly the only thing I regret about that choice is that I didn't do it sooner. He is happy and healthy and so am I.

Because of that I decided that with DS2 I was only going to BF as long as it was easy and I was enjoying it. We had a great, short BFing relationship and he is also now happily eating formula.

Only you can decide if BFing is right for you and your family. And if you decide that its not, don't feel guilty about it. You are making the best choice for your family

momthatlifts · July 2014

Feed your baby. Who gives a fuck what anyone has to say about how you choose to do it. That sounds miserable. I would have switched to formula a long time ago. I think you're making a decision best for you and him. Don't beat yourself up. Good luck!

Empireceo · July 2014

Formula is not bad for your baby. Forcing yourself to breastfeed when it is just not working for you or baby is bad for you both. Hugs and be confident that you are doing what is best for your family.

rainstar752 · July 2014

I just wanted to add that from what I've seen, the NICU makes it nearly impossible to successfully breastfeed, though I'm sure a few people succeed. My son was in NICU for 2.5 weeks, but because you are basically forced to pump from the beginning (we had to fortify the breastmilk to get enough calories), it just sets you up to fail. Even if I had continued pumping, at 8 weeks old he still would need fortified milk so I'd still have to be pumping at least most of the time. Even though mine started off with a decent latch, within a week of exclusively bottle feeding his latch completely deteriorated.

I successfully breastfed my daughter for 5 months. So my point is that sometimes there are things beyond our control that happen. This isn't your fault, mama. It's hard sometimes to change our vision of how things were going to be, but try to see the advantages to formula. My son is thriving on it and I'm so much happier now that I have more time to enjoy with him rather than pumping.

jcf2133 · July 2014

Most important is keeping your LO healthy and growing. I've been struggling we supply issues too and initially felt such guilt. But I guess my zen moment came when I'd been supplementing formula for a few days and realized my baby was happier and healthier than when I was trying to do it all myself without adequate supply. Ultimately, it's about baby, not my desire to breastfeed (or take a decent shower, or eat a hot meal... But maybe that's a subject for another post) nothing is as we expected, is it?!

cstan663 · July 2014

Thank you so much everyone for your words of kindness and advice. I have to say now after some time has passed I am happy with my decision. Not to mention little one is getting a lot more attention now that i'm not spending so much time trying to pump, and I think much happier for it. And I know I will never regret never having to drink that nasty tasting Mother's Milk tea!

raebee18 · July 2014

Don't feel guilty! You've tried lots of things and what's best for your baby is getting the nutrition he needs and not having a stressed out mama. For you that might mean formula, this does not make you a bad parent this makes you a parent that had to make a tough decision. You had to put the well being of your child ahead of your pride and your personal goals. It's not the last time you will feel unrationally guilty. It's just a sign you love your LO.

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