I absolutely live the PAP's I chose and have enjoyed bonding with them. We're going to have an open adoption with set para maters to avoid confusion for her and too much hurt for them. I've struggled with her name lately. I don't want to take that from them, but I want to give her an identity these next few months. I 'd like to be involved or aware in the process and call her by the name she'll have her whole life. I know some birth moms name their babies during pregnancy and it hurts when the aparents inevitably change it at finalization. I just don't want to push them or make them uncomfortable because I know this is scary and emotional for them, too. They mentioned before that they won't name her until after she's born, which had been really, really hard for me.
I'd like to know your experience with naming (AMoms and BMoms) and advice on what to do. I think I've been very flexible so far in compromising to what we feel is best for her (of course) and what will make this easiest for them. But not having a name for her has been harder and harder.
Birthmom to A, 1/8- the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
A Journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-Tzu
Re: Naming your babies?
For our next child we are thinking we will change his name at adoption, which is likely years away, for safety purposes. I picked the name Shane after my grandmother but we won't call him that until he is adopted, if we get to adopt.
I feel like naming is something that should be left to them but would be really nice if they include you. The men I donated eggs to named their children Hebrew names to honor my Jewish heritage which I thought was very nice but not something I would have expected at all.
Maybe you can have a nickname that you use like something special just between you and her?
The birth parent we matched with and who placed with us asked us well before we matched at one of our first meetings what our thoughts on names were. We told her we had a boy name and a girl name that we loved, but that we'd be open to her input if she didn't like them. It turns out that she liked both the names and we used the boy name we had picked out. We asked her to pick out a middle name -and she chose one that is meaningful to her family-and we just happened to like it as a name.
Once the baby was born we asked her permission to keep her last name as a second middle name. After all, our son's first name, middle name, and birth last name would be on his original birth certificate- we didn't want to take any of that away from him. Like when he sees his original birth certificate (which we have) and his revised one (which we will have) we don't want him to think we erased any part of his identity. So rather than replacing his birth last name with ours, we just added it to the end. Does he have a longish name? Yup. Was it important to us to preserve as much of his birth connection as possible? Yes.
Additionally, his parent called him a nickname that only she called him. We never ever use it with him- it's her name for him, and there are plenty of other nicknames we can use. She used it throughout her entire pregnancy along with his name. I'd talk to the AP's about it...
Also- something in your post makes me a bit curious-- you said you are planning an open adoption with set parameters "to avoid confusion for her and too much hurt for them."
I'm not quite sure how an open adoption can cause hurt for the adoptive family--- in my open adoption, there are parts of it that are hard for me-as an adoptive mom, but in the grand scheme of it all? I think I've got the easier part... at least for now- perhaps as my son grows up my role becomes harder. Make sure that when you are agreeing to parameters, you are not overly compromising your desires and your wants. And while it's awesome that you care about your PAP's, and I'm sure that they feel cared for by you, remember to care for yourself.
Our situation was unique. DD's bmom didn't know she was pg until she gave birth. She gave DD a name, but only to have something on her birth certificate. She asked us what we thought we'd name her, and I wad nervous. We had a very Irish Gaelic name. Fortunately she worked with a group of Irish people, and is half Irish, so she loved our pick, and calls DD by that name.
We did go into the discussion willing to be flexible. In your situation I'd look at it as a team effort. GL!
I think names are a pivotal part of the AP/Emom relationship. Everyone has an opinion and worries about it.
I think you're probably both skirting the issue because you don't know what the other party is thinking. If you don't have a name in mind, I think it's important to let them know that. They might be walking around thinking a particular name is a dealbreaker for you, and that this will be the end of the match. Knowing that you don't have a name in mind, and you just want to attach some sort of identifier to the baby will probably help everyone. You'll have a name to call her, they'll know that you're OK with them choosing a name, and you can all focus on other things.
It sounds like they're seeing this match is very different from the last, and I'm actually glad to hear you have some expectations in writing so you at least have some guidelines to start with.
Hope your talk goes well.
You may not realize it, but these PAP are in awe of you. I bet (hope) they will be very willing to have your input.
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Mother of two wonderful boys! Blessed through adoption.
Adopted a baby girl in January 2013 via domestic infant adoption
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