Hi Dads, advice please! long
Hope you don't mind me posting here, this is kind of a vent AND asking for advice...
SO & I are parents of a 23 month old son and a 3 month old daughter. DS was not "planned", but SO wanted a child and (apparently) luckily got a boy. Once I got pregnant, I knew I didn't want an only child, so I thought about when we could have another. SO, however, wasn't sold on having another. But he didn't take any precautions to prevent another child, even though he knew I wanted another one. So we got pg again. I honestly worried about how it would be with not only 2u2, but once we learned she was a SHE, how SO would do. Long story short, he ISN'T DOING WELL. And I think its's because she's a girl.
She's not an easy baby...has reflux, cries a lot, and I'm apparently the only one who can soothe her. Or so SO says....he doesn't even TRY; as soon as she starts fussing, he dumps her in the bouncy seat and says she's a "tit baby" (she's FF, BTW). I try to make him feed her, but she does start crying when he takes her...he NEVER tried to bond with her and I think it's b/c she's a girl...when we fought earlier to the point of me kicking him out, he actually said "Can I have DS?" As though he can just choose to parent one child and not the other...I'm at my wits end here... He never kisses or talks softly to her, when he DOES dare to hold her...I feel like he just "tolerates" her...and she deserves MUCH more than that from her FATHER...
Do you have any advice on how to get him to MAN UP and parent his daughter? Or should I just cut my losses and be a single mother of 2 kids...(because there is NO WAY IN HELL he's "getting" DS as he wanted)
THANK YOU!!!
Re: Hi Dads, advice please! long
It sounds like he wants to selectively parent, as in parent who he wants, when he wants. He knew full well that a girl was a possibility when you were having unprotected sex. Based off the little information given here, it sounds like your daughter has some issues... the reflux and perhaps colic, which makes it hard to deal at times. However, you said he doesn't kiss his daughter anything of the like, it sounds like the guy is a bit of a tool. 2 under 2 is no easy task... there are times when my 23 month old son can drive me up a wall, but that doesn't mean I don't want to love him, add in the "harder" baby with her issues, I can't imagine that it is an easy task. That being said, you have to man up as a dad, accept the responsibility and do your job as a man and as a father. As far as getting him to do it, frankly, if he's not interested in your daughter, I don't know how you are going to force him to do it. It isn't like taking your son and going somewhere for the day is going to force a bond between him and your daughter. It sounds like he'd do the bare minimum to keep her alive and that is about it.
As far as ending the relationship, I'm not going to tell you what to do there because aside from this particular issue, I don't know how your relationship is. I will simply say, minus some kind of a miracle, I do not see him changing when it pertains to his attitude towards his daughter (at least not for the time being)... maybe when the reflux is less of an issue and she isn't as fussy he may warm somewhat, but that is a crapshoot.
I don't get this at all. I am thrilled to death my wife and I are having a girl. I would be just as thrilled if we were having a boy.
Just because the child is a girl, doesn't mean she won't want to do boy things with Dad. Some girls like to fish, hunt, watch sports, throw the ball around, etc. And some boys don't like that. He should understand that each child is going to have its own interests and personalities. His son may grow up and not want to do the "guy things" like sports and outdoor activities.
And even if his daughter does develop into the stereotypical girl, so what? You are her Dad. You get to be the #1 guy in her life. You get to be her hero. You get to go to Father-Daughter dances. You get to scare away potential boyfriends. You can show her the traits in what to look for in a man by the way you treat your wife/SO/girlfriend, etc.
I know I am preaching to the choir here. I guess I don't have much of advice here. If you knew he wasn't that onboard having a second child, why did you choose to have another one with him? I know that isn't the point because he should step up and be a father to both of his children. It just seems like you had some doubts beforehand and here you are.
I agree with Coltsdad. I don't think this is something that is going to change overnight and I am not sure how to instill the value of wanting to be a parent to ALL of his children. I wish I had more to offer you. Good luck with your situation and I hope he turns around to be a great father to both his son and daughter.
He's being a turd.
The dad's who post here are non-turds.
You'd probably have better luck asking the ladies on other boards about how to deal with a husband who acts like a turd.
This!
This too!!
I think the problem you will run into here with our little group of dad's is that we just have no idea how any man could behave this way when it comes to their children, regardless of gender.
What we really want to do is call him out as the loser that he is being right now. And trust me, he is being a big time loser with this. But that does nothing in terms of how to protect your daughter from a father who is really oblivious to the issues that his behavior will bring to his daughter.
So we hope that this man will actually start to behave as a man and begin to show his daughter the love and support that she deserves. But I think we all see it too many times to hope too much. The fact that she is having some issues right off the bat would only re-enforce in us dad's here the need to step up to the plate and be the best dad we can be. My son has a cold right now, nothing major, but enough for me to worry about him and feel bad for dropping him off at daycare. It would be the same for a girl....because love does not know gender!!!!
You have every right to question him and call him out for his lack of committment. He does not get to feel good about himself as a father when he is turning his back on his own child. He needs a boot up his a**, actually!
My guess is that his father was not much to write home about as well, so this knucklehead never learned how to be a man, a father, and a provider.
Thank you Dads!!! I don't know how to quote multiple responses, so let me say that YES, he can be a turd! And he does seem to selectively parent sometimes, but he's not a very "hands on" Dad in general, even w/ DS. And to the above, he did/does not have a father in his life at all. His male influence was his grandfather, who, from what I can gather, was very "old school"...ie the woman takes care of the house, babies, etc. while the man does the "manly" stuff. But interestingly enough, he's fine w/ me being the breadwinner and paying for all the kids' clothes, daycare, etc.
I did call him out, and he has been doing better. But DD still doesn't seem to like him very much. She doesn't cry just from him looking at her anymore, but she has yet to smile at him. It makes me sad. And he doesn't give up immediately, but still gets frustrated easily. It seems to be a work in progress I guess, one that I'm going to continue to encourage! I need help! LOL Thanks again!!!