Someone posted this on a blog that I follow and I thought it was too beautiful not to share.
Chocolate Cake
Imagine
yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband
are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in
town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say
the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the
atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a
good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet
soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you
see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart
you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The
table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table
begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and
you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly
and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have
been hearing about this restaurant's marvelous and divine desserts.
Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert
the most!
Everyone
at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate
cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too
please."
The
waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order.
In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and
the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just
couldn't get any better."
The
food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you
tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you
know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just
exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter
with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and
starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and
to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now!
The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You
are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what
to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my
chocolate cake soon too."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how
amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep
down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and
desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is."
You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that
have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's
busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a
sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong,
something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake
that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you
must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on.
You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All
the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time
keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our
dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think,
"Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it
has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't
received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't
know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that
people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of
dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides
chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes,
raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more
pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie
too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you
just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts
you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table
and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't
though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look
around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate
cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already"
another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake
onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others
that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish
there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts.
It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that
familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for
your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't
hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as
happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to
relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last
thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of
your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet
perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter
comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says.
"Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just
deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't
know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and
too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You
have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just
not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the
baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask
your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you
my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to
notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so
magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the
music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's
all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again.
Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the
person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there.
Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at
your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes.
Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on
those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert
is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the
biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your
husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but
you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No,
this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real.
You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's
then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of
your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken
into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I
wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves
you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door,
through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his
eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your
husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears.
You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this
simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their
eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious
and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's
then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The
waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make
this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
I gave you life, then you gave me mine.
TTC February 2008 to October 2008 One year forced break due to OIF deployment #2
Resumed TTC in October 2009 HSG, Hysteroscopy, S/A all clear
Five total medicated cycles and IUI #1-3 = BFN and all while we were still "unexplained IF"
25 August Lap revealed Endo, adhesions and blocked left tube
September 2011: Femara + IUI #4 (IUI #1 post endo removal) =BFFN
November: IVF #1: Stims started 11/16 ER 11/25 (7R, 5F) ET 11/30 Transferred 2 beautiful expanding blastocysts +HPT 12/6/11
Beta #1 at 9dp5dt=153! Beta #2 at 16dp5dt= 4009!
Ultrasound 12/30 showed one beautiful heartbeat! EDD 17 August, 2012
Hazel Evelyn arrived 10 August, 2012!
Surprise natural BFP March 2015. M/C at 5 weeks
Another surprise natural BFP April 2015
Re: Chocolate Cake: An IF Analogy
That brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for sharing.
(I can't help but add... "Now where's my damn cake?!?!")
Severe MFI. Me: supposedly all clear but eggs showed vacuoles.
IVF #1 January 2012, ER Jan 14th: 34R, 27M, 23F. Day 3: 18 embies still strong. Day 5: zero "good," one "fair," the rest "poor." Transferred 3. None made it to blast or to freeze. Jan 28: BFN.
Lucky IVF #2: Transferred two beautiful day three embies on St. Patrick's Day. BFP on HPT 7dp3dt. Beta 1 (14dpER)=106; Beta 2 (16dpER)=140; Beta 3 (19dpER)=264! First u/s 4.17.
Hope is the thing with feathers - that perches in the soul - and sings the tune without the words - and never stops - at all - (Emily Dickinson)
I know, right?!
I gave you life, then you gave me mine.
TTC February 2008 to October 2008 One year forced break due to OIF deployment #2
Resumed TTC in October 2009 HSG, Hysteroscopy, S/A all clear
Five total medicated cycles and IUI #1-3 = BFN and all while we were still "unexplained IF"
25 August Lap revealed Endo, adhesions and blocked left tube
September 2011: Femara + IUI #4 (IUI #1 post endo removal) =BFFN
November: IVF #1: Stims started 11/16 ER 11/25 (7R, 5F) ET 11/30 Transferred 2 beautiful expanding blastocysts +HPT 12/6/11
Beta #1 at 9dp5dt=153! Beta #2 at 16dp5dt= 4009!
Ultrasound 12/30 showed one beautiful heartbeat! EDD 17 August, 2012
Hazel Evelyn arrived 10 August, 2012!
Surprise natural BFP March 2015. M/C at 5 weeks
Another surprise natural BFP April 2015
Happily Wed DH in May 2010
June 2012: DD#1 born after countless fertility cycles, our 4 year old miracle
TTC #2: current cycle: 225iu Menopur for 4 weeks, Ovidrel Trigger= BFP! Beta #1; 333, Beta #2 713! 1st u/s showed TWINS (7/18)
Hahaha!
I gave you life, then you gave me mine.
TTC February 2008 to October 2008 One year forced break due to OIF deployment #2
Resumed TTC in October 2009 HSG, Hysteroscopy, S/A all clear
Five total medicated cycles and IUI #1-3 = BFN and all while we were still "unexplained IF"
25 August Lap revealed Endo, adhesions and blocked left tube
September 2011: Femara + IUI #4 (IUI #1 post endo removal) =BFFN
November: IVF #1: Stims started 11/16 ER 11/25 (7R, 5F) ET 11/30 Transferred 2 beautiful expanding blastocysts +HPT 12/6/11
Beta #1 at 9dp5dt=153! Beta #2 at 16dp5dt= 4009!
Ultrasound 12/30 showed one beautiful heartbeat! EDD 17 August, 2012
Hazel Evelyn arrived 10 August, 2012!
Surprise natural BFP March 2015. M/C at 5 weeks
Another surprise natural BFP April 2015
I love this analogy. I now want some chocolate cake....
That just brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing!