HELP! My in-laws drive me crazy!
Before my fourteen month was born, I loved my in-laws. They were fun to be around, and we did lots of things together as a family. But once my son was born, I slowly started getting annoyed by them.
First, they would come out here all the time. They never thought to call; they would just stop by because "they were having a bad day." My MIL and SIL would come out together, and sit and whine about my FIL and MY HUSBAND! I couldn't stand it! Maybe it's because I had more to worry about, like a newborn!
And, they talked to my son like a baby. Influxes in your voice, NEEDED, but talking to him in gibberish, NO THANK YOU! (As in, that's so wude. Look at wu, wittle guy, etc.) I can't stand that. My child is a person, not an alien. Maybe it's because I had speech problems when I was little.
I get criticized for feeding my son organic food and for breastfeeding for so long (still nursing) and for wanting him to sleep on an organic mattress (research shows mattresses may be the cause of SIDS).
My DH has asked them to call before coming because quite frankly, sometimes we're not in the mood for visitors. And because they would come at nap time and wake both of us up by knocking and ringing the door bell. They didn't get that, so finally I just sent a nice e-mail asking my MIL to relay the message to call. We have a lot going on, and you show up when we're leaving and don't get the hint.
We go out to eat with them, and my FIL walks him around to people saying "Isn't he the cutest?" and he lets him play with decorations in the restaurant. HELLO? He's at the age where I'm trying to teach manners. That's just what we need, him banging lights at restaurants!
Everytime they are over here, they want to hold him. He's very active, and he doesn't like to be held, but they don't get it when he whines. And over and over they say, "Give me a kiss." Seriously, I hear it hundreds of times at each visit. It's like they have nothing else to say.
And recently, my little doing of asking if they could call turned into we don't let them see our son. Not true, just call. And don't be mad if we don't want visitors or if we have plans.
Ugh, I know it probably seems trivial. But I'm pregnant with my second now, and I can't do this with another baby or Mama will go crazy!
Re: HELP! My in-laws drive me crazy!
They sound a lot like my parents, except that my parents live across the country and can't pop in on us. They would if they could, though. I lived 4 hours away from them in college, and once or twice they showed up for a visit without warning me.
With my parents, they mean well, but they have major issues respecting boundaries. I try not to hurt their feelings when possible, but I have to be very, very firm with them at times. A lot of times, it's just unwanted advice my mom will give me. She keeps going on about how we may want another baby some day and that we shouldn't make any permanent decisions, blah, blah, blah. Every single time she brings it up, I tell her that's a personal discussion and not something she gets a vote on. They do get their feelings hurt, but I do my best not to feel guilty for sticking up for myself.
I know it's probably harder since it's your inlaws and not your own parents, but I'd be very direct with them. And I'd just keep repeating it if they're not listening. As for the kissing, wanting to hold him, walking around the restaurant with him, that doesn't really sound like that big of a deal to me. I'd honestly let that stuff slide.
Good luck!
For them coming over, you've already asked them to call first, so when they do make sure you're accommodating and counter-offer. They want to come over this afternoon, I'm sorry I'm going shopping, but we'd love to have you come over at 6pm after dinner. Don't just say no period. I'm sure they're picking up on your feelings.
If they criticize your choices, just blow it off. You can reply with, "I realize it may seem silly, but it makes me feel better to know I'm doing everything I can for him." There's not much they can say to that. Just make sure that you're not complaining though - you can't complain about the cost of food or how much time it takes to make your own, if you don't want them to give their opinions about it as well.
However, there are some things that you're just going to have to learn to deal with - the baby talk, wanting to hold him, etc. It's not hurting him or anybody else, so just grit your teeth and walk away if you have to.
I'm sure since you're already on edge about them, every little thing is upsetting you. Just try to take a step back and realize what important in the grand scheme of things. Pick your battles, and let the rest go.
First, let me say way to go for BF. I BF only until about 7 months, then started adding in formula, and switched to formula only around 9 months. My inlaws (particulary my FIL) weren't real supportive of our decision to do so and I often got dirty looks from them about it and sent away to another room when my daughter needed fed. Sometimes I would've like to stay in the room to continue conversations, etc. It's not like I just popped out my boob, I did have a blanket over me.
Anyway, I can see why you are frustrated. I would say if they stop over unannounced, and you don't want visitors, just don't answer the door. If they say anything about it, ignore them or tell them you were busy (sleeping, showering, having alone time, whatever).
As somebody else said, some things you'll just have to ignore; the smaller things just learn to let go. You will have to pick your battles.
My husband and I are currently going to counseling and our therapist has told us (mostly when he has issues w/ my parents) the best thing to do is have a "meeting" where everybody sits down, tries to stay calm, and DISCUSSES (not argues) any issues there are, so everybody can see everyone else's point of view.
Also, on things like breastfeeding, print out info on the benefits of doing so and give them a copy to show them the proof.
Good luck!