February 2013 Moms

It's your fault (vent)

Anytime anything goes wrong with our son (like for example, if he spits up... Heaven forbid)... Or is having a hard time going to bed (yes, if you saw my post below, he is incredibly overtired due to one nap today. We went grocery shopping when he should have been napping and I thought he would fall asleep during it), my husband likes to tell me " it's your fault". He told me it was my fault because I chose to leave the house and grocery shop.... He tells me it is my fault the kid spits up because I don't sit him up long enough after he has eaten.... Or I should have given him a burp cloth and it's my fault there is spit up everywhere because I didn't give him one.... Or it's my fault because I didn't tell him he just ate and didn't burp him enough.... Or what am I thinking putting a long sleeve onesie on him for bed time.... 

We just had a huge blow up about it. I am DS' primary care giver. I know my son pretty well... And you can't control the price of rice in China any more than you can control a kid with spitting up and I didn't know the poor guy would barely sleep while we were in the store (usually anything on wheels puts him to sleep. And how the h-e- double hockey sticks would I have known he wouldn't nap in his swing when we got home). So it's my fault. I hate it when he says that and how dare he make me feel so low about something that isn't that big of a deal. 

Not sure if I will talk to him for the rest of the night... Or the week for that matter..  

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Re: It's your fault (vent)

  • Wow. Yeah, I think my DH knows better. :)  I would be furious if everything was suddenly "my fault".  Perhaps your DH needs an entire day alone with the baby?  That usually solves a lot when they realize it's much more difficult than they thought! And no phone calls to ask mom questions!

     

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  • Whoa...that would send me into a fit! lol  Hubby has made a few comments of that nature before.  He usually gets a death glare, followed by a 'really?'

    I like the idea of a day alone for DH and baby

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  • That would infuriate me and hurt me all at the same time. I think you did the right thing calling him out on it, because even if LO is having some sort of issue, does it make it go away by placing blame for it? Nope. Babies are such gifts in so many ways, but they can be wrecking balls for a marriage. Which is entirely NOT anyone's fault, especially not the baby's. I say take the space you need to calm down and when you feel like you can hash it out rationally with him, let him know how much that upsets you and for what reasons. FWIW, I'm sure you're a great mom.
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  • Sorry you have to deal with that. What a hurtful thing to say. I know my DH has made a joke in that vein once or twice like 'haha, you should have known better' and that stung, and I knew he meant it sarcastically, because he is also used to dealing with our kids 1 on 1.

    I ended up just saying 'That really doesn't help, and only makes me feel more frustrated, perhaps instead of saying that you could say 'What can I do to help?'. 

    And that has made a bit of a difference, even if we both end up feeling frustrated when nothing goes according to plan! 

     

    LO born Feb 2010 m/mc 03.25.12 @ 11 weeks measured 8 Pgal/Pal always welcome
  • I'm sorry hun : my husband gets frustrated when left alone and the baby cries lmao he says he's crabby then. I'm like no, he's bored, he's not 2 months and will just sit sleeping in your lap for hours any longer. Men.....they just don't get it lol you are doing a great job, ignore him!
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  • I am so sorry. What an incredibly insensitive thing to say. He probably is acting that way because he doesn't know what to do when there's an issue with LO but really he should be kissing the ground you walk on for taking care of the baby all day! I hope you get a massive apology pronto!

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  • I totally agree with him taking care of baby for a whole day, that usually shuts them right up. You are doing an awesome job. These kids don't come with manuals and as soon as we figure them out they switch it up on us.
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    Lilypie - (kxiS)
    Lilypie - (BG2d)
  • That sounds like a really unhealthy dynamic. I would honestly seek out couples counseling. You should be a team, children pick up on issues quickly and daddy always tearing down mommy (or vice versa) is definitely an issue. 

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • image Teacher Clark:
    I totally agree with him taking care of baby for a whole day, that usually shuts them right up. You are doing an awesome job. These kids don't come with manuals and as soon as we figure them out they switch it up on us.

    This.

    I also agree with the PP who said you should think about seeking couple's therapy. Him blaming you for something that is so obviously out of your control is very unhealthy. Does he do it in other areas of life, or do you think it's the stress of having a baby?

    And FTR, no matter how long we've held my DDs up, they still have massive spit-ups. It happens faster when we lay them down, but holding them up is just prolonging the inevitable.


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • He did end up apologizing... But more about how he reacted and not for saying the "it's your fault" part. I apologized for yelling too. Thankfully, as one PP mentioned, we didn't argue in front of DS as we are aiming to never have blow ups in front of him...for the reason of him ever thinking we are divided. And our blow ups are usually pretty few and far between. 

    As to the belittling, he never would do it in front of other people, and I call him out on his $hit psychologically pretty well on my own. This really isn't worth couples counselling because when he says these things without thinking it, we usually go through a pattern of me telling him it hurts my feelings, me again repeating myself, then finally flipping out about it (if it really bothers me). Usually, if I flip out about it (as I did today), I aim to make a big impact that he can't ignore. Hope this one did. I told him he needs to take those words out of his vocabulary.  I appreciate the opportunity to vent ladies. And thank you for support. 

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  • image pitterpatter129:

    Wow. Yeah, I think my DH knows better. :)  I would be furious if everything was suddenly "my fault".  Perhaps your DH needs an entire day alone with the baby?  That usually solves a lot when they realize it's much more difficult than they thought! And no phone calls to ask mom questions!

     

     

    I love this idea. 

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